


I Hate The Feeling (But It's All Love)

by meracanaries



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-01-24 09:57:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 74,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21336367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meracanaries/pseuds/meracanaries
Summary: When Alex is traded to Utah and comes to live with her, Kelley knows that she will have to confront the feelings that she has been hiding away for quite some time now.Will they be able to fix their friendship and what's going to happen to Alex's already failing marriage?
Relationships: Alex Morgan/Kelley O'Hara, Alex Morgan/Original Character(s)
Comments: 172
Kudos: 487





	1. I Only Want What's Best For You

It was Friday morning, the sun was shining brightly through the windows as Kelley stood in her kitchen preparing some coffee for herself.  
Despite the fact that it was close to ten a.m. she was still half asleep because she stayed up way past her usual bedtime the previous night, now really regretting it.

When Kelley’s phone rang and she saw Alex’s number it wasn’t much of a surprise because they did catch up regularly and while it was usual limited to texting, sometimes when they haven’t seen each other in a while and missed each other they did call and chatted for hours instead. 

Kelley was quick to take the call, grinning when she said "Hey there, haven’t heard from you in a while." 

Alex sounded slightly out of breath when she answered, Kelley assumed that she just got back from her morning run, unlike Kelley who overslept and was now completely out of her usual routine.  
"Hey, are you still looking for a roommate?"

Kelley almost dropped her spoon into the mug of coffee in front of her at the question, because that was pretty much the last thing she expected Alex to ask.   
"Yes, I do. Why?" She asked curiously although she might have had an idea what this was about. 

"I’m transferring and need a place to live." Alex replied, sounding a little bit uncertain, Kelley was pretty sure that she heard the sound of a door being closed and seconds later she heard the sound of Alex’s coffee machine, telling Kelley that she was indeed right about Alex just getting back from her morning run. 

"I thought you’re happy in Orlando, don’t they want you anymore?" Kelley asked surprised and part of her already knew what she was probably going to hear next, but she wanted to hear it from Alex.

"I am happy here or well I was and they do still want me, but Dean asked if there was any possibility of me transferring to a club that’s closer to L.A. because the whole long distance thing is hard for us. So I looked around for some offers and yeah… now I need a place to live." 

Kelley sighed before she replied.   
"Look Al, don’t get this the wrong way but are you sure that that’s what you want because it sounds like you’re just transferring because Dean asked you to do it." 

It took a while until Alex responded which told Kelley everything she needed to know about this.   
"I love him and I can handle another move, it really is no problem to have another transfer."   
Kelley knew that it was no problem because Alex was regularly swarmed by offers to play pretty much everywhere, the real issue was why she took on certain offers while declining others. 

It wasn’t like Kelley disliked Dean, he had always been a good guy, he was certainly charming with his steely blue eyes and that self-confident smile that had won Alex over back in college but Kelley still felt like he didn’t appreciate Alex enough and it has always bothered her.   
It often felt like he thought that he was better than Alex, which simply wasn't true.  
He somehow thought that being an actor made him more relevant than Alex and that it gave him the right to make the decisions not only for him but also for Alex.  
Alex was the one who always had to sacrifice something to keep their relationship going and it shouldn’t be this way, if one of them should be moving it would have to be Dean, not Alex.

"That’s not what I asked." Kelley replied and she heard Alex groaning on the other side of the line, they’ve had this conversation before and it never ended well. 

"I know that, okay? No I had no intentions of moving again, but I kind of have to think about my marriage, it’s not just about what I want."   
It clearly wasn’t about what Alex wanted, because it had always been about what Dean wants, Kelley thought but she couldn’t say that out loud because it would only cause Alex to get defensive and lash out and she didn’t want that to happen, at least not right now, not when Alex was halfway across the country. 

"If you’re really moving you can live with me, but Alex please rethink this you know that making professional decisions based on personal reasons isn’t always a good thing." She hoped that it would get through to Alex, but Kelley knew that she probably already made her decision.

"I already decided to accept Utah’s offer." Alex said and Kelley stopped for a brief moment taking Alex’s statement in. 

"Wait you’re actually going to play here, with me?" She asked stunned and Alex laughed before she replied "Yes, what did you think?" 

"Uh I don’t know, I thought you’re just going to take an offer nearby, maybe going back to Portland or something. So we’re going to be teammates?" 

"Yes, I’m already excited about it." Alex said cheerfully and Kelley tried to convince herself that maybe this wasn’t such a bad thing after all, even though she still thought that the decision was made for the wrong reason. 

"If you’re excited so am I. Too bad that we won’t be able to get Tobin to play for us as well, we’d have such a blast." Kelley said making Alex laugh. 

"We can still have a blast while kicking Tob’s ass though." Kelley chuckled before she took a sip out of her coffee mug. 

"Sounding quite competitive over there." 

"I am competitive, don’t you dare suggest otherwise." Alex replied laughing and Kelley could imagine the expression on Alex’s face when she said it. 

"So about you moving… When exactly would that happen?" Kelley asked and she knew that she sounded excited about it because she was, but the reminder that this was only happening because Dean wanted it to happen was still lingering in her mind and it made her enjoy this a little bit less.

"I thought like maybe next week?"   
Kelley who had just taken a sip of coffee almost spat it out, but instead gulped it down too fast and it caused her to almost choke. 

"What?" She asked coughing trying to regain her composure but ultimately failing because she just couldn’t stop coughing and Alex‘s request obviously took her by surprise because this was fast, one week was really fast.

"Like I said, the contract is already signed and I‘m ready to move, so if that‘s alright with you, next week." Alex said and it almost sounded too casual, like she was trying to make it sound like less of a big deal. 

"So for how long were you planning to do this, exactly? Because if you‘re already prepared to move you must‘ve been convinced that I‘ll let you live with me." Kelley said because usually Alex was organized which meant that she never would've made a decision like that within a week’s notice. 

"Well I was." Alex simply said and it wasn’t like Kelley should be surprised by that, because she would never say no to anything that Alex could possibly request, but she wasn‘t aware that Alex apparently knew about that. 

"So what you‘re essentially saying is that you‘re giving me a notice that you are moving in next week?" Kelley asked and Alex laughed and really, Kelley should’ve been mad that Alex just assumed what her answer would be, but Alex sounded so happy and excited about living together that she just couldn’t be mad at her. 

"Yes, if you put it that way that’s probably what I am doing." Alex was still laughing and Kelley was still skeptical about all of this, she loved the idea of living with Alex, she really did but she wasn’t too sure if this was really what Alex needed.  
Her mumbled "Ok." probably came out a bit harsh or annoyed because there was silence for a few seconds from Alex’s side. 

"You don‘t sound excited." Alex said and she sounded hurt and Kelley could’ve slapped herself for making Alex think that she wasn‘t happy about her moving. 

"I am excited, I get to live and play with my best friend, I just would‘ve liked it if you told me a bit sooner." Kelley replied and she wasn’t sure how convincing her statement sounded, because while partly true, she did leave out the part where she’s wasn’t happy about the reason for the decision.   
It was a big decision to make, moving, changing clubs once again and Kelley still thought that it was wrong to do it just because Dean asked Alex to do it. 

"Is that all, or is something wrong?" Alex asked and she still sounded sad but Kelley knew that they couldn’t have this conversation over the phone, because there would probably be tears involved and she wanted to be with Alex if that were to happen. 

"We‘ll talk about it when you get here, okay?" Kelley asked and she heard Alex sigh and maybe she did sniffle a little bit when she finally said "Okay". 

"Are you going to text me your flight information so that I can get you from the airport when you arrive?" Kelley asked, trying to sound cheerful and she really hoped that it worked because she disliked it when Alex was sad and she absolutely hated it when she was the reason why. 

"Yes, I will. Thanks, you‘re the best."  
Alex sounded happy again and Kelley could basically see her smile through the phone and it was all that she wanted. 

"Is there anything specific you need when you move? I could probably organize it for you before you get here." Kelley offered and Alex quickly assured her that there was no need for that before she told Kelley that she needed to hang up since she still had tons of stuff to organize.   
Kelley told her that she really is excited about Alex moving in one last time before they ended the call and only then it was truly sinking in that Alex was going to move in with her and that they were going to share an apartment together and Kelley still had tons of stuff to do until the next week, because the room that Alex was supposed to move into was honestly a mess.

She thought that there had to be a bed somewhere in there, under all of the boxes and other stuff that Kelley had never bothered to unpack and she still had lots of stuff to do before Alex would get there, because right now the room wasn’t exactly inhabitable.  
Kelley thought that maybe it would be a good idea to just drop her training routine for the day, moving boxes and everything else that was currently in the room would’ve probably been enough work and the cleaning out of the room would also take up her entire day.  
She actually made a check list of stuff to do before Alex would move in. 

The first point was cleaning the room, sorting through all the boxes that were stacked in there and decide on what she still needed, considering that she didn’t bother to unpack the boxes it was probably not going to be a lot. 

The second point on her list was making the room look somewhat homey, because she knew that Alex was going to bring some stuff with her, but she wanted her to feel welcome and some flowers and blankets and pillows never hurt anybody, bringing Kelley to point three on her list, going to the supermarket to get Alex a little welcome present and also do her usual grocery shopping but for two people instead.   
Somehow the thought of getting to shop for an additional person made Kelley seriously excited, or maybe that was just the part of her that craved some domesticity.

Point four was something that Kelley added once she stepped into Alex’s future room and noticed that the walls looked, well boring.   
Plain white would’ve been okay if your roommate were someone you didn’t know, but Alex deserved something nice, so she needed to repaint the walls before Alex got there.  
She put wall paint onto her shopping list before she continued to rummage through the boxes, after three hours Kelley was halfway done with them and decided to take a lunch break. 

When she got into the kitchen she noticed her phone on the table, it was flashing with a new message from Alex.   
Kelley laughed when she read the message, it was Alex telling her not to stress out too much about everything and that they were going to decorate the room together once she would get to Salt Lake City. 

Kelley decided in that moment that she was just going to buy wall paint and wait with the blankets and pillows for Alex to actually arrive.

It was around five p.m. when Kelley had finally cleaned out the last box and when her phone started ringing again.   
Kelley picked it up without looking and to her surprise heard Alex’s voice. 

"You’re not already decorating my room, are you?" Alex asked and Kelley chuckled, because if it hadn’t been for all the boxes in the room she might’ve been decorating.   
"No, I’m waiting for you with that, but I did some cleaning because the room honestly was a mess. And I might’ve been thinking about painting the walls until you get here, so I kind of need you to tell me what color you want." Kelley knew that she was rambling but she couldn't stop herself and soon enough Alex was laughing. 

"Now you’re sounding more excited than me, how did that happen?"   
Kelley frowned because she was happy before, her excitement was just dampened a bit because Alex was only moving because of Dean and not purely because Alex wanted it.

"I guess the whole cleaning and preparing stuff made me just really aware of the fact that this is happening and that I get to live with you." Kelley replied and she might not have been able to see Alex during that moment but she knew that she was smiling, blue eyes probably sparkling in excitement and the thought alone made her heart beat a bit faster and she needed to get a hold of herself, she wouldn’t let her feelings get in the way of this, she could handle sharing a place with Alex and being close to her pretty much 24/7, this wasn't going to damage her heart in any way because she was stronger than this and their friendship was more important than her feelings for her best friend, she’s handled it over the last ten years, she could handle it for a few more.


	2. you can bandage the damage (you never really can fix a heart)

Alex was excited about moving, or at least she thought she was.   
Moving on from Portland three years ago had been hard and she didn’t want to do it back then, it probably showed sometimes when she was playing for Orlando and she honestly felt bad about it. 

It wasn’t that she didn’t fit in with Orlando, but with Portland it had always been different, maybe there was more chemistry between her and the Thorns, but it never felt like she truly belonged when playing in Orlando.

Things had been okay while Dean was there with her, he had been filming for a few movies and then had some time off and it had been good for their relationship but then the job offers around Orlando slowly got less and less and he went to L.A. and she refused to follow along and ever since then things were rocky. 

She tried to fly over as much as possible, be there for him and see him film whatever movie he was currently working on, not that there were too many lately, but that didn’t matter to her because he seemed genuinely happy. Somehow it seemed like he never got around to return the favor. 

Alex tried to blame it on the fact that he didn’t get as much projects as he would’ve wanted, he was just putting so much work into this and she understood that sometimes that meant that he didn’t have any time for her. 

Admittedly a little part of her was glad when Dean asked her to transfer again, it wasn’t like she explicitly wanted to leave Orlando, she was doing alright but the distance was getting to them and they were fighting about it more frequently and it really wasn’t doing any of them a favor to be on different sides of the states for most of the year. 

She knew that there still was no team in Los Angeles, maybe at some point in the future there would be but Alex wasn’t sure if she could let her marriage suffer for this long without it taking permanent damage, so her only options were either to go back to Portland or to try and get transferred to Utah.

Alex still missed Portland and playing with Tobin instead of against her, but she knew that Utah meant spending more time with Kelley which in the end just seemed a tad bit more appealing, which was the reason why she decided on the Royals in the end.   
Dean didn’t seem too happy about her decision and mumbled something about liking Portland better for her, they even had a fight about it, but ultimately Alex had won this time around.

She was the one who had to move so she should be the one to decide where she was going to play, an argument that not even Dean could argue with, even though he certainly tried to argue against it but at some point he had run out of arguments and Alex could be very stubborn when she wanted to. 

Dean was still pissed about her choosing the Royals over the Thorns, but Alex honestly couldn’t care less because either of them brought her closer to him and maybe that would finally solve their problems. 

The trading negotiations were exhausting, she had to do a lot of convincing but in the end she got her contract with Utah for the season and a promise that if she played well enough they would most likely keep her on. 

She wanted to wait to tell Kelley until everything was decided and until the contract was signed, she kept telling herself that it was supposed to be a surprise and that she just wanted to make sure that everything worked out before telling her best friend. 

Truth was, and deep down Alex knew it, that Kelley would’ve been the only person who could’ve changed her mind about another transfer.   
Alex knew what it meant, she was very much aware of the fact that sometimes a change of teams can be difficult, she felt it in Orlando, hell after three years it still felt like she was just slowly settling in, but she put all her hopes into Kelley and Christen being there for her when she would get settled in with the Royals. 

She had wanted to call Kelley the minute that she finally signed the contract since there was no need to keep this from her any longer.

She didn’t even bother to call Dean, he would find out soon enough since he was basically living on the transfer market side ever since they started talking about her possibly changing teams, well when he wasn’t busy filming or playing basketball and going down to the beach to surf to keep in shape as he liked to say.

Alex felt a bit anxious about telling Kelley, so she decided to go for a run before calling her, running wasn’t necessarily her favorite activity but it calmed her down and centered her and she knew that there would be at least some backlash from Kelley.   
She knew that it would probably come from a place of love, but that didn’t mean that she had to look forward to it. 

She wasn’t sure what it was but for some reason she could never shake the feeling that Kelley didn’t like Dean.   
It wasn’t like she was behaving hostile towards him but there seemed to be a hidden kind of resentment and Alex was never able to figure out where it came from. 

Kelley having doubts about her decision to transfer was no surprise, it stung a little bit how against the decision she seemed at first and Alex couldn’t help but feel hurt because it did sound like Kelley didn’t want to play with her, but she knew where her best friend was coming from. 

Maybe she was right, maybe she shouldn’t have decided to transfer just because of Dean, it didn’t work out too well for her the last time and maybe she would struggle again this time, there was never a guarantee for fitting in right away, they both knew that. 

Somehow Kelley sounded a bit more excited towards the end of their call and Alex felt nothing but relief, since Kelley did play a huge part in her decision, even though she didn’t know about that. 

If she was being honest Alex was way more excited about getting to live with Kelley than she was about transferring.  
The thought of them living together once again, being able to see each other daily and getting to play together not just internationally but also on the national level, carpooling together, enjoying movie nights together, the list of possibilities was endless and Alex could’ve gotten on and on about everything that was in front of them and it made her love the thought of playing for the Royals just a little bit more. 

She already felt at home, something she was never truly able to achieve during her time in Orlando and she felt a bit bad about it because she honestly wanted to give this team everything she got, but things just didn’t seem to click and until now she still wasn’t able to explain why that was the case. 

After her phone call with Kelley Alex went on to sorting through her stuff.   
She was glad about getting away, she was absolutely ready to move on and start fresh. She would pack most of her clothes and some personal belongings into her suitcase and the rest would be neatly stacked into a few boxes. 

She had already hired a company to help her with moving her stuff to the new place that her and Kelley would share and she had made sure that her old furniture would be taken care of once she were to move. 

She still had to make decisions on some of her personal belongings, there were old magazines and articles including both her and Dean, over the years the collection had grown quite a bit and while she had insisted on taking the collection with her when she moved from Portland to Orlando, she wasn’t so sure if that was a good decision this time.   
In the end she decided to send the articles about herself to her family, they would appreciate them and add them to the already huge collection that they had back home.

Dean never understood why she collected those articles in the first place, so he surely wouldn’t mind if she threw them away. 

The thought hurt a little bit because she had spent a lot of time and put a lot of work into it, cutting every little snip of information out from magazines and newspapers and sorting them chronologically, but he never even bothered to look at the collection so it was probably useless to take it with her. 

She looked down at a picture from the first movie premiere that she had attended with Dean by her side. She had been eighteen and so excited to walk the red carpet with him and he had barely paid any kind of attention to her the whole night. She had been hurt by that but told herself that it was normal, it had been his big night after all and back then she had just been his girlfriend, it had hurt but it was alright, just like it was alright now that he never came to her games. 

She did pack all of their albums that were filled with pictures, some were with her family, some were with Dean’s family, most were with either Kelley or her teammates and a few were of Dean and her. 

The fact that the amount of pictures of them together was getting significantly lower during the last few years wasn’t lost on Alex, she could only hope that that would change once she was living closer to her husband again. 

Her gaze got stuck on a picture with Kelley, showing them wrapped into the flag after their 2015 World Cup win. Alex smiled tracing her finger over the picture, to this day it was still one of her best memories. 

She closed the album in front of her and put it onto the stack of things that would go directly into her suitcase.  
Alex moved on to her gold medals, smiling when she held up the most recent one before she put them to the photo albums. 

Her closet was the most difficult to clean up she had been going through it for three weeks now, deciding what to keep and what to give away and slowly she was getting somewhere, she would still have problems to fit the remaining clothes into the boxes that she had prepared for them, but she was determined to make this work.

A gaze to the clock reminded Alex that she was supposed to meet with Ashlyn and Ali for dinner, she still had to tell them that she was transferring, she knew that the both of them would understand but it still felt a little bit like she was leaving them hanging.

She knew that they could take care of themselves, hell there were countless times when they had taken care of her when she had a fight with Dean because he was somehow always busy whenever they were playing and he was supposed to come and watch.  
She wondered if that would change now, with her being located a lot closer to L.A. but for some reason she thought that it was doubtful. 

She would probably have to fly over to Los Angeles a lot more than he would fly over to watch her play, it was something that she had gotten used to during the last few years, she hated it because it made her feel like her job was less important to him than his own job.

At first it was something that was drawing her towards him, his passion for acting had always been fascinating to her, they had both shared an interest in turning their hobby into their job and had both managed to do it. She thought that it would provide them with an invisible bond and maybe in the beginning things appeared to be this way. However things had changed, she had gotten more famous while Dean was often struggling and spending more time looking for new projects than actually getting to stand in front of the camera. 

She understood that it frustrated him and it didn’t bother her that sometimes he snapped at her because of it, what really bothered her was the fact that Dean tended to act like everything was just thrown her way. 

She worked just as hard for this as he did and it wasn’t her fault that she was a bit more successful, she had to suffer through multiple injuries but always got back up and he just acted like everything always went perfect for her, like he was the only one who was struggling which was simply not true. 

Alex went looking for a change of clothes, she didn’t exactly want to meet Ali and Ash dressed in sweatpants and a shirt that was absolutely drenched in sweat from all the packing. 

She silently swore to herself that she would stop to worry about Dean at least for the rest of the evening, she actually wanted to enjoy her night out with her friends.


	3. All We Do Is Drive

Kelley was pacing through the airport, Alex should’ve been there five minutes ago and the airplane was nowhere in sight and Kelley felt so nervous.   
She bought flowers, she felt stupid for bringing flowers because Alex was her best friend and not her girlfriend, because Alex was married, but Kelley saw a flower shop on her way to the airport and was just too tempted not to buy some. 

Kelley thought about getting something to eat for the both of them when she finally spotted Alex coming her way with a suitcase that looked super heavy and when she saw Kelley she just dropped it and came running towards her and Kelley almost dropped the flowers that she bought specifically for Alex when she swept her off of her feet, spinning the taller forward around before she set her back down onto the ground. 

"God I missed you so much, I’m glad that you’re sticking around." Kelley said laughing before she held the flowers she bought in front of Alex’s face.   
"Here I got those for you, thought they would look nice on the kitchen table." 

Kelley thought that she might’ve been blushing but Alex didn’t seem to notice because she was too busy with smiling, Kelley was a bit concerned about it she wasn’t aware that someone could smile so much, but it suited Alex, she was looking absolutely radiant and Kelley did get why Dean wanted her nearby because missing out on that smile in your daily life was seriously a shame, but then again she wasn’t so sure if Dean was aware of that. 

"Those are so pretty, that wasn’t necessary though." Alex said but she took the flowers from Kelley and she was still smiling and Kelley hurried over to where Alex suitcase was standing, completely abandoned by its owner. 

"I can carry that myself, you know?" Alex asked amused gesturing towards the suitcase.

"Oh I know, but so can I." Kelley replied with a smirk and Alex just shook her head laughing.

"Is that all that you brought along or will there be more stuff?" Kelley asked looking down at the suitcase, because as big as it was, she couldn’t imagine that it contained everything that was important for Alex. 

"There’s still some more stuff, it will arrive at some point this week, but I threw most of my old stuff out because I thought a fresh start would be a good idea." Alex explained.   
Kelley just nodded along while they walked back to the car.

"Are you going to tell me why you were upset when I told you about my decision?" Alex asked as soon as the car doors were closed behind them. 

"I wasn’t upset with you." Kelley replied and it was true, she was upset about the situation and about the way Dean was constantly treating Alex, she wasn’t upset with her best friend. 

"Oh come on Kelley." Alex said sounding a little bit annoyed but also kind of hurt and it sucked but it wasn’t like Kelley could just tell her the real reason why she was so upset.

"Alex I am not upset with you, okay?" Kelley said and she was proud of how convincing it sounded.   
She felt Alex’s gaze on her and for a second she doubted that Alex bought it, but then she sighed and mumbled "Okay fine." and the conversation was over. 

Kelley knew deep down that it was probably just postponed until they got a quiet moment because Alex wasn’t the kind of person who just forgot about stuff like that, so there was a high probability of this coming back around at some point, but Kelley didn’t want to worry about that right now. 

"So did you actually paint my room?" Alex asked and Kelley’s gaze drifted away from the road for a few seconds.

"You told me to wait with that, but I did buy the paint." She decided on a light yellow because it wasn’t too bright but it reminded her of warmth and sunshine, both things that she connected with Alex so she thought that it was fitting. 

"To be honest I thought you wouldn’t be able to wait." Alex mumbled while Kelley shook her head laughing. 

"I do have some self control." She replied, a fact that surely was true because there were more than one instance where she could‘ve kissed Alex in the past but she didn‘t. 

"I mean I know that you do but still, didn’t think you could wait until I got here." Alex said laughing and Kelley rolled her eyes, but ultimately started smiling.   
"Yeah well, it was kind of hard, I almost did it multiple times." 

Alex chuckled and whispered "Knew it." and Kelley was tempted to give Alex’s shoulder a little shove, but she was supposed to keep her gaze on the road in front of them, so she just let it slide. 

"So, what is our plan for today?" Alex asked turning up the volume of the radio and Kelley’s heart missed a few beats, because right, from now on it was going to be their plan for the day. 

Kelley wondered how she was supposed to survive this, living together sounded good in theory but right now she was feeling more than just a bit scared about it, because she knew that she could control herself, she wouldn’t slip up by accidentally kissing Alex in the heat of the moment, but what if being with Alex all the time would make her want to tell her best friend how she feels? 

"Penny for your thoughts?" Alex voice cut through her thoughts and Kelley blinked before she hit the brakes because the traffic light in front of them just turned red. 

"I uh was just trying to come up with a plan for the day." Kelley said when the car stopped abruptly.

"Are you saying that you haven’t planned this day through and through yet? Where is my best friend and what have you done to her?" Alex asked laughing and Kelley’s heart started beating a bit faster at the sound. 

Alex had the kind of laugh that she could recognize in a crowd of thousands of people, sometimes she hears it echoing through her mind shortly before she falls asleep at night.   
She wished so many times to be able to hear Alex’s laugh for real before she goes to sleep or as the first thing when she woke up in the morning but she knew that it was only wishful thinking and likely wouldn’t ever happen. 

Her best hope had to be that Alex was still being all cuddly and intended to slip into her room at night sometimes and falls asleep there and she felt so selfish for feeling this way, because she shouldn’t take advantage of their friendship like that, it’s not fair to any of them, because she’s only hurting herself and Alex doesn’t know and Kelley isn’t sure if she would be comfortable with cuddling if she knew and this was all kinds of fucked up and she’s already worrying about living together when they haven’t even arrived at their apartment yet.

"Kel, are you okay? You look like you keep spacing out?" Alex sounded worried and Kelley didn’t have to look at her to know that she was chewing on her lower lip, they knew each other well enough by now to recognize certain patterns, one of them being that Alex tended to chew on her lower lip whenever she was worried about something or someone. 

"I am, sorry just got distracted. I thought we just start with painting your room, maybe go and buy some decorations, I want you to feel at home." Kelley said and she was probably smiling a bit too much but right in this moment she couldn’t have cared less, because this was really happening, they were living together and as much as the thought scared her, it was also extremely exciting and they were going to add so many new memories to the ones they already created over the last decade and maybe all the fun that they were about to experience could outweigh all the anxiety and fears that she had. 

"Painting and shopping, sounds good to me." Alex replied laughing before she looked out of the window, eyeing the city that flew by as Kelley drove. 

"Do you still think that I’m making a mistake?" Alex asked when a few minutes of silence had passed between them and Kelley couldn’t help but look at her in surprise. 

"I never said that I think you’re making a mistake. I was voicing my concerns about you doing it for the right reasons. Look Al, I would never tell you what to do, you know that, I just want you to be happy and if that means that you’re going wherever Dean wants you to go that’s fine with me. I just want to make sure that you’re alright with your own decisions." Kelley meant it, all she had ever wanted was for Alex to be happy and she hated that Dean made her move halfway across the country every few years, but if it made Alex happy to be closer to him she was going to accept it. 

"I am convinced that this was the right decision for me, I liked Orlando but it never felt like I truly belonged. I already feel much more comfortable being here with you, it’s almost like coming home." Alex replied and for a few seconds she looked so thoughtful that Kelley wondered about what was going through her mind until she realized that Alex basically just admitted that being with Kelley made her feel at home and she wasn’t sure wether that was warming or breaking her heart, maybe it was a bittersweet mixture of both. 

"Give it another ten minutes and you can actually look at your new home, because we are almost there." Kelley replied with a smile and Alex laughed before she said "It isn’t necessarily about where you are, it’s more of a who you’re with. That’s what counts, right?" 

Kelley’s throat tightened so she just nodded, because Alex was right, home wasn’t always a place sometimes it was a special person, sometimes it was your best friend with whom you’ve been in love with for ten years, but it never occurred to her that Alex could see her like that as well.   
It might’ve only been in a platonic way, but Alex seeing her as her home meant so much to Kelley and she felt her heart hammering in her chest because she was so close to being completely overwhelmed and Kelley needed to remind herself to stay focused, otherwise she might’ve crashed them into the next best tree or against a traffic light. 

"What do you think, if we’re going to renovate my room we could also give your room a makeover, right?" Alex asked and Kelley looked at her surprised before her gaze quickly snapped back to the road. 

"Do you think my room isn’t good as it is, or why do you think it needs a makeover?" She asked amused and Alex laughed.   
"Oh I am sure that your room is just fine, but what’s the fun in that?" 

Kelley shook her head laughing but she knew that by the end of the day her bedroom was probably going to look different because there was no way that she was going to deny Alex that wish. 

She parked her car and then got out, opening the passenger door so that Alex could step out as well.   
"How nice of you to open the door for me." Alex said chuckling and Kelley just shook her head because Alex was being ridiculous but that probably was one of the things that she loved most about her. 

"Always, you know deep down I’m the very definition of a Gentlewoman." Kelley replied joking and Alex smiled back at her, blue eyes sparkling in the sun and Kelley felt herself getting lost for a few seconds until Alex started talking again, shaking her out of her trance.

"Well I won’t say that you aren’t. But let’s go inside, I can’t wait to get started. Have I ever told you that I am an excellent wall painter?"   
Kelley laughed as she opened the trunk of the car and got Alex’s suitcase, setting it down onto the ground before she fished for her apartment key in the pocket of her pants. 

Triumphantly she let the key dangle in front of Alex’s face who rolled her eyes and mumbled something that sounded a lot like "God you’re such a dork." 

"But I’m your dork, right?" Kelley asked and Alex shot her a soft smile before she nodded and put her arm around Kelley.   
"Of course, you’re the only dork I like." 

Kelley laughed slipping Alex’s arm off of her to get her suitcase. 

"Don’t let Tobs hear that, she can be quite dorky and she won’t like to learn that you dislike her." Kelley noticed that Alex was staring daggers at her and shot her a questioning look. 

"You don’t seriously think that I’m going to let you carry that?" Alex asked and pointed at the suitcase. 

"Uh I don’t see why not, it’s not that heavy." Kelley replied and Alex shook her head at her. 

"I get it, you lift a lot of weights at the gym regularly and have really nice and muscular arms, you don’t need to prove to me just how strong you are." Kelley felt herself blush, because yes she was able to lift heavy weights, Alex’s suitcase really got nothing on her, but she didn’t know that Alex apparently was so appreciative of her arms. 

"I uh… wasn’t trying to prove anything, I know that you can carry it yourself. I was just trying to be a good best friend, offering to carry your stuff and…" She was interrupted by Alex’s laugh and she looked at her in irritation because she didn’t know what was going on. 

"You’re so cute when you’re rambling. I’m sorry I was just messing with you but I am still taking that suitcase. If you really want to carry something inside, wait until we go partying together, you can carry me inside when I’m not able to walk anymore." Alex winked at her and a little part of Kelley died, she felt her mouth going dry and she laughed nervously, because how was she supposed to overplay this? 

Alex didn’t seem to notice, she was too busy carrying her suitcase towards the door and Kelley just shook her head and followed behind her, opening the door for the both of them.


	4. I see your true colors (and that's why I love you)

"Oh that is such a pretty shade of yellow, how do you always know exactly what I need?" Alex asked as she dipped her brush into the paint before she turned around to look at Kelley who was climbing up a ladder, a second bucket of paint in her hand. 

"I‘ve known you for ten years Al, I basically know everything about you and I thought the color fits you, it‘s like sunshine and so are you."   
Kelley turned and smiled down at Alex who suddenly looked deep in thought and Kelley wondered if Dean would ever know Alex the way she knew her, wondered if he even knew her favorite color or her favorite flower, somehow she doubted that that was the case. 

"You think I‘m like sunshine?" Alex asked a smile stealing its way onto her face and Kelley grinned sheepishly down at her because of course she did, Alex‘s smile could probably light up a whole room, it certainly lightened up Kelley‘s whole world. 

"Yeah I do and now get to work, those walls won‘t paint themselves, Miss I am really great at painting walls."  
Alex stuck out her tongue but laughed afterwards and turned to start painting. 

They worked in silence, at some point Kelley turned on some music on her phone and Alex started dancing around while she tried to continue the painting process.   
Kelley was watching her from the ladder, wondering how she got so lucky to have someone like Alex as her best friend. 

She would‘ve loved to join Alex but dancing on an already unstable ladder seemed like a pretty bad idea so Kelley tried to tear her gaze away from Alex and continued to paint the parts of the wall that Alex couldn‘t reach. 

Occasionally her gaze drifted down to watch Alex again and once Kelley was finished with painting the upper half of the wall she joined Alex on the floor, effortlessly joining in on the little dance party.   
Alex threw her an appreciative glance nodding slowly along as she eyed Kelley who was copying every single move that Alex did. 

"You know we should do a dance battle. Like not right now, because we need to get stuff done, but once I‘m fully moved in and settled down. It‘d be mad fun, don‘t you think?" Alex asked after the song came to an end and Kelley couldn’t help but smile because they were already planning stuff that she never would‘ve done on her own. 

"You just want to show off how freakishly talented you are, don‘t you? Is there anything you‘re not good at because I could swear that you‘ve got a talent for everything." Kelley also could've sworn that Alex blushed a bit at the remark and it took her a few seconds until she replied. 

"You know that I could say the same about you, right?" Kelley’s gaze went back to Alex as she stared at her for a few seconds before she was able to put together a reply. 

"You think so?" 

Alex frowned at her before she came over to where Kelley was now standing leaning against the ladder.

"Come over here." She ordered and Kelley looked at her irritated because she wasn't sure what Alex was planning to do, but she did as she was told and pushed herself off of the ladder and walked towards Alex until she was standing right in front of her.

Alex grabbed her shoulders and dragged Kelley even more towards her until they were directly face to face their noses almost touching and for a moment Kelley forgot how to breathe or think. 

"Listen to me. You are one of the most determined and talented soccer players that I know, it doesn’t matter what position you’re in, you’re acing every single one. You could probably go pro with surfing as well and there’s so much more stuff that you’re good at. And even when it comes to the stuff that you don’t necessarily excel in, the passion you put into it, it always makes up for it, you’re such a fighter that you could probably achieve whatever you want, hell, I’m convinced you could run through a wall if you wanted to." Alex laughed at the last part of the sentence while Kelley was just staring back at her best friend, trying not to start crying.

"Hey don’t cry, everything I just said is true, you tend not to give yourself nearly enough credit, but you deserve it, Kel." Alex was smiling at her and she was still so close and all Kelley would have to do was to lean forward and kiss her, but she couldn’t because Alex was married, Alex didn’t feel this way about her and there was never going to be a them.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Alex who suddenly took a step back and before Kelley knew what was happening Alex’s paint brush hit her nose. 

"Oh no you didn’t!" Kelley yelled when Alex started laughing, quickly racing away from Kelley who followed swiftly behind her, her own brush held up high.

They both knew that Kelley was faster, Alex dodged her first few attempts but Kelley managed to corner her and she grinned triumphantly when Alex realized that she had nowhere else to run to. 

"I surrender, I surrender! Just please don’t come near my face with that paint brush." Alex held her hands up dramatically waving them around while Kelley just laughed stepping closer to her.   
She struck quickly, hitting Alex’s arm with the paint brush, who made a noise that was probably supposed to sound dramatic before she let herself drop down to the floor while she yelled "Woman down!"

Kelley shook her head laughing, holding her hand out for Alex. 

"You’re a great actress, did anyone ever tell you that?" Alex smiled at her before she took her hand.  
"So I’ve heard, didn’t you see my movie?" 

Kelley chuckled before she shrugged her shoulders.   
"Movies were never really my thing." She saw the shocked expression on Alex’s face and it took a lot of work for her not to burst into laughter immediately, because of course she watched the movie, several times actually, though she never would’ve admitted to doing it. 

"You really didn’t watch it?" Alex asked a pout on her face, she looked genuinely disappointed and Kelley felt a bit bad about it, but she couldn’t contain her laughter anymore so she just burst out laughing and Alex rolled her eyes at her, slapping her shoulder lightly while she mumbled "Asshole." 

"You know you love me." Kelley replied before she walked back to the ladder, placing it against the next wall, they needed to get the room painted after all.   
Alex shook her head smiling to herself before she resumed painting as well. 

Kelley finished with the upper part of the room way sooner than Alex did, Alex groaned in annoyance while Kelley grinned down at her. 

"We have the same amount of wall to paint, how did you manage to pull that off?" Alex asked leaning against the ladder eyeing Kelley, admiration in her eyes. 

"What can I say, I did actually try to paint, contrary to a certain someone who was busy dancing like half of the time." Kelley replied with a smirk while she climbed down from the ladder, Alex’s eyes widening at her comment. 

"That is not true you’re making it sound like I barely did any work, I tried." Alex protested loudly accusingly holding her brush in front of Kelley, almost hitting her shirt with it. 

"I swear if you put paint on that shirt, you’re going to regret it." Kelley said taking a step back but Alex followed swiftly behind raising her eyebrow at Kelley. 

"Did you think that sounded threatening?" Alex asked grinning while she stepped even closer.

"I didn’t need it to sound threatening you know that I always deliver." Kelley smirked smugly and noticed that Alex was distracted for a second, using the element of surprise to her advantage, reaching for the brush quickly and taking it away from Alex, before she turned it to point at her best friend’s shirt. 

"See?" Kelley said satisfied with herself while Alex looked at her wide eyed.

"How did you do that?" She asked still looking completely stunned and Kelley couldn’t help but laugh because Alex being stunned had to be one of the cutest things she’s ever seen and it didn’t happen too often, so she cherished those few moments a lot.

"I’d show you but that would take my advantage away." 

Alex was pouting and Kelley already felt her resistance wavering, because as much as she tried to hide it, she was horrible when it came to saying no to Alex. 

"I don’t think that painting a room is something that we do very often, so do you really need the advantage?" Alex asked and it was a good argument, Kelley had to give her that and her resolve was vanishing by the second and then Alex was looking directly at her saying "Please?" and her eyes looked so damn blue and Kelley just sighed, because someday her feelings for Alex were going to be the death of her, but what could she do against it?

"Fine. Here take it again and hold it out like you did before." Kelley said handing the brush back to Alex who wrapped her hand around it tightly, almost like it was a real weapon and Kelley almost started laughing when she saw the dedication on Alex’s face, because this certainly wasn’t a life or death situation but Alex looked like she was absolutely ready to fight. 

With everyone else it would’ve been completely and utterly ridiculous but with Alex it simply looked endearing and for a moment Kelley forgot what she was supposed to do and Alex was looking at her patiently, waiting for instructions, but Kelley had problems with putting her focus back at the task at hand. 

"With the way you‘re holding it now it would be way more difficult to get the brush, earlier you didn‘t expect me to just grab it, which was why you were holding it more loosely, besides that you were distracted..." Kelley began to explain and Alex slowly nodded along meeting Kelley‘s gaze and Kelley grinned satisfied because she could see that Alex was once again distracted, focused on Kelley‘s words instead of expecting another attack. 

"Hey!" Alex said pouting when Kelley managed to steal the brush from her for a second time. 

"Told you, always have you’re defenses up." Kelley said with a wide grin before she handed the paint brush back to Alex, who mumbled "Easy for you to say, you’re literally a defender." 

Kelley shrugged her shoulders still smiling when she said "What can I say, I’m multi talented. We’ll work on your defense techniques, I promise we have a lot of time to train together now." 

Alex smiled at that, nodding her head enthusiastically, Kelley was almost surprised about how excited she looked, but a happy Alex was always a good thing and it didn’t really matter what exactly it was that made her smile.

"Come on, I’ll help you with the lower half of the wall, otherwise we might never finish this thing." Kelley said and dipped her brush into the bucket of yellow paint.

"What would I do without you?" Alex said dramatically, a teasing smile on her face.

"We don’t ever have to find out." Kelley replied with a soft smile on her face, Alex shooting her a look that she wasn’t quite able to read before she smiled and nodded.


	5. I’m gonna be okay, right?  (I wish I could tell myself that at night)

"Oh my god, my arms feel like they’re about to fall off." Alex said letting herself fall down onto the couch while Kelley walked into the living room with two water bottles, raising her eyebrow at her best friend. 

"That is nothing compared to your usual work out, are you alright?" She sat down next to Alex, handing her one of the water bottles before she placed Alex’s feet in her lap. 

"I’m okay, I think the flight just got to me a bit more than I’d like to admit. Can we go out and grab something to eat, because I am absolutely starving. Besides that we could stop at the supermarket and get some stuff for my room, while the walls look lovely now, it is still pretty empty." Alex yawned and Kelley smiled at her fondly. 

"I think you should get some sleep, to be quite honest. I’ll cook us something and we can head to the supermarket first thing tomorrow, deal?" Kelley saw the resistance in Alex’s eyes but she also saw how tired she looked and knew that it would be no trouble at all to to convince her to just stay in for the evening. 

"But what about my room? I don’t even have a mattress for the bed yet." Another yawn on Alex’s side, Kelley shot her a concerned look because sometimes Alex tended to over work herself and tire herself out to a point of absolute exhaustion and she didn’t want that to happen.

"You can sleep in my room tonight, it’s no big deal. We’ll buy you a mattress tomorrow when you’re well rested." Alex sighed and Kelley knew that she had won.

"Fine, but only if you’re sleeping in there as well, I won’t let you sleep on the couch." Kelley hesitated, they shared beds before, it wasn’t that much of a big deal or at least it shouldn’t be.

"Kel?" Alex asked and when Kelley looked at her she saw that she had her eyes closed, smiling sleepily. 

"Yeah?" Kelley replied while she traced circles with her fingertips over Alex’s leg.

"I’m really glad that I chose to come here." Alex sounded like she was about to fall asleep but the silent smile on her face told Kelley that she really meant it.

Kelley laughed and said "You haven’t even started training or playing with us yet, maybe you should wait with your judgement."

Alex opened her eyes and looked straight at Kelley.   
"That’s not what I meant. I’m glad that I’m here with you. I probably would’ve chosen Portland if it weren’t for you."

She yawned again while Kelley’s heart missed a few beats because this revelation meant something, it wasn’t a romantic gesture, Kelley knew that because Alex was married, Alex was in love with Dean, but having her best friend tell her that she chose something just because it meant to be together, it meant more than Kelley could ever tell Alex, though she certainly was willing to try and show her just how much it meant to her.

"You really decided to come here because of me?" Kelley asked silently and Alex grinned sheepishly at her before replying. 

"Yeah, nothing can beat living with your best friend, nothing can beat getting to share a home with you." It felt a bit like being stabbed, because sharing a home with Alex was what Kelley so desperately wanted, but she knew that it meant different stuff for the both of them, for Alex it meant living with her best friend, for Kelley it was more of a living with what could possibly be the love of her life situation and it hurt that Alex would never see her this way, but it meant so much that she was playing an important role in Alex’s life and really, what did it matter if Alex didn't love her like that, friendship could be pretty rewarding as well.  
Kelley tried to shove the thought that someday Alex was going to leave to build a family with Dean far back into her mind, it didn’t work.

"Stop being so cheesy, you’re gonna make me tear up." Kelley said lightly pushing against Alex’s shoulder, trying to overplay the fact that she had tears in her eyes. Alex didn't have to know that they weren’t necessarily happy tears.

"Kel? I think I want to go to sleep." Alex said closing her eyes again and Kelley laughed, motioning towards the door.

"Like I said, feel free to use my bed, I’m going to prepare us something to eat while you sleep."

"I don’t want to eat, can’t you just take me to bed and stay with me?" Alex asked and Kelley shook her head at the forward.

"What am I supposed to carry you into my bedroom now?" 

"Yes, why not? We both know that you won’t have any problems with that. I’m too tired to walk, please." Alex looked back at Kelley with those stupid blue eyes pleadingly and Kelley just sighed, because of course she wouldn’t say no to that.

Her mind slipped up for a second, thinking that this was not how or why she wanted to carry Alex into her bedroom and she felt herself blushing at the thought because that was such an inappropriate thing to think and she felt bad about it immediately. 

Alex didn’t know about her feelings, she was taking advantage of their closeness and it was something that Kelley had been struggling with for years because while nothing had ever happened, there were moments when her mind would slip, where she thought about kissing Alex until she was breathless, where she thought about what it would be like to have Alex’s body beneath her and it was so wrong, she knew that it was, but what was she supposed to do about it? She tried to shove those thoughts and feelings away, she tried so hard but sometimes they still managed to bubble to the surface and Kelley wondered if this was going to get worse for her, now that they were sharing a place. 

"Come here." Kelley said with a sigh, standing up from her place on the couch and then leaning down, to pick Alex up who smiled at her, lazily throwing her arms around Kelley’s neck.

"Hmm you really are strong." Alex whispered when Kelley carried her to the bedroom effortlessly and Kelley couldn’t help but smile smugly at that comment, even though a part of her wondered if Dean ever bothered to carry Alex into their bedroom and she scolded herself because that was something she definitely shouldn’t be thinking about.

Alex fell asleep as soon as her back hit the mattress, Kelley wrapped her into one of her blankets before she slipped into the bed next to her.

Kelley wasn’t really able to fall asleep, Alex was sleeping peacefully next to her, she sometimes stirred a little bit and at some point she wrapped her arm around Kelley’s waist, pulling her closer to her and Kelley didn’t know how to react, because she didn’t want to wake her up, but she was so close to Alex in that moment and she felt torn between wanting to move even closer and wanting to move as far away as possible, her heart winning over her mind in the end and so she just hugged Alex, hoping that it wouldn’t be weird when they wake up.

She must’ve fallen asleep at some point because Alex was the one who woke her up with a soft smile and she was still in Alex’s arms, their faces were only inches apart from each other, Kelley tried not to gaze into those blue eyes that she grew to love so much, but then her eyes moved to Alex’s lips and she thought that might’ve been even worse so she settled on looking back into Alex’s eyes.

"You didn’t leave." Alex’s voice was raspier than usual, she still sounded sleepy but she did look well rested.

"Of course not, you asked me to stay." Kelley replied truthfully and Alex seemed to drift somewhere else with her mind and she looked sad and Kelley wondered if she said something wrong.

"Al?" She asked gently after a few minutes of silence did pass and Alex looked back at her, like she only now remembered that Kelley was even there. 

"Are you okay?" Kelley asked and she couldn’t help but feel concerned about her best friend, because Alex usually didn’t act like that. 

Of course she could be quiet and reserved and she knew that the forward didn't really like to talk about her feelings or show them, but it seemed like she was holding back even more than usual and that was what really worried Kelley.

"I don’t know, it’s just a lot. It’s been some crazy months and I feel that now that things slowly start to go back to a more normal pace, I just feel a bit lost? Doesn’t really help that I haven’t talked to Dean since I signed my new contract."

Kelley’s eyes widened at that, she assumed that they had talked about the transfer since Dean was the one who wanted it in the first place, but apparently that wasn’t the case and she wasn’t sure how to react or what to say.

"You haven’t talked to him? Why, I thought you did this to get closer to him again?" Kelley kind of wanted to offer Alex more of an answer but at the same time she didn’t really want to hear about Dean, because it only reminded her of the fact that he had what she has wanted and craved for so long, someone who was right in front of her right in this moment and yet so far away.

"I mean… yeah that was the intention. He wanted me to go back to the Thorns, you know? I told him that I would probably choose the Royals and he was pissed about it, so I didn’t bother to talk about it again. He doesn’t even know that I signed the contract, or well he probably heard about it by now. It’s just, I don’t want to provoke another argument, we’ve had enough of those lately."

Kelley saw the tears in Alex’s eyes and it broke her heart to see Alex like that, she was trying so hard to make things work and Dean didn’t see it or didn’t appreciate it and it made her furious because Alex deserved so much better, it looked like she was the only one who was really fighting for this marriage while continuously being blamed for it not really working.

"I just… I want things to be okay again and I don’t know if they will be." Alex whispered before she started to cry and Kelley just pulled her in, whispering into her ear soothingly.

"It might seem like everything is shit right now, but I promise you that everything is going to be fine. You’re going to be fine and I don’t know about Dean, but I can promise you that I will never leave your side, understood? You’re my best friend and you’re badass and inspirational and absolutely exceptional. It doesn’t matter what life throws your way, you can make it through, understood?" Alex was looking into her eyes, blue mixed with tears and Kelley tried her hardest not to start crying as well and then Alex slowly nodded and offered her a small smile.

"Now we have to go back to sleep, because tomorrow we have a shitload of work to do and training starts."

"Way to end the day on a positive note." Alex said laughing a little bit and Kelley rolled her eyes.

"Go to sleep, dork." She said before Alex pulled her closer again.

"Thank you for always being there." Were the last words that Kelley heard before she fell asleep.


	6. And I will try to fix you

"How are you so damn fast?" Alex came to a stand next to Kelley, drenched in sweat and breathing heavily while Kelley looked almost fine.

"I’m a defender, I need to be fast and I run this route every morning, you’re going to get used to it. Cheer up, drink something and then let’s continue, we still have thirty minutes until we get back to our place." Kelley said sounding way too cheerful for Alex’s liking.

"The coffee that I was promised for completing this run, better be good." She said grumpily while Kelley chuckled.

"You know I make the best coffee in the world." Alex couldn’t really argue with that because she was the one who once claimed that and judging by the smug look on Kelley’s face she knew exactly that it was her who originally said it. 

"Is that the only training we’re going to do today?" Alex asked drinking from her bottle while Kelley did stretching exercises on one of the park benches. 

"No, we’re going to the training center later today, we’ll meet there with Christen and Becky." 

Alex groaned because she still felt somewhat tired from the previous day.  
"I feel like I am so out of shape, do we really have to go?" 

Kelley shot her a look that clearly said "Are you being serious right now?" and it was promptly followed by a "Without training you will stay out of shape."

"I should be seriously offended by that." Alex said joining Kelley in doing stretching exercises on the bench. 

"It’s the truth and you know that, we have to train to stay in shape. It’s the same for me." 

Alex laughed and shook her head, earning a confused look from Kelley.   
"You know that I was joking, right? You’re pretty damn adorable when you get worked up about training." 

"I swear if you keep talking, you’re going to regret it, this is serious Al." Kelley said staring Alex down who slowly held her hands up into the air. 

"Okay, okay. I get it, training is a serious matter to you and it’s not something to joke about."   
Kelley nodded slowly before she sat down on the bench, patting the empty spot next to her. 

"Sit down." She said when Alex didn’t move. 

Alex sat down next to her, eyeing Kelley curiously, not knowing what to expect next. 

"I get that you‘re exhausted, but we do need to start training, I need you fit for this team because I want you to get the play time you deserve, but you have to work to get there."

"Well that isn‘t putting me under pressure at all." Alex said and Kelley sighed before she turned to look at her. 

"I‘m sorry, I don‘t want to put you under pressure, this team just means a lot to me and so do you." Kelley was biting her lower lip while Alex looked down at the floor.

"I get it, I promise to give it my best. I guess I deserve it that you have doubts because I never fully reached my potential in Orlando and I still feel bad about that. I was just so distracted with everything that was going on with Dean and I guess that really showed in the way I played."  
Alex looked genuinely sad and even a bit discouraged and that was the opposite of what Kelley had wanted to achieve and it made her feel like an asshole. 

"Al look at me." Kelley rested her hand on Alex’s knee waiting for her best friend to meet her gaze which she promptly did. 

"You don’t have to feel sorry about that. It’s not your fault, it is normal to struggle sometimes, you might not have played your best in Orlando, but you said it yourself, this is a fresh start. We both know that you can achieve everything if you have the right mindset, so get your butt off of that bench because training continues now." With that Kelley jumped up and jogged away from Alex who just shook her head with a smile, before she followed behind, catching up to Kelley pretty quickly. 

"See, you can keep up." Kelley said grinning and Alex wondered how she was able to talk while running, so she just nodded and tried to keep up with Kelley, which proved to be quite hard, but she managed, collapsing onto the couch once they finally got back to their apartment. 

"Oh come on, it wasn’t that bad, take a shower and then you’ll get your coffee." Kelley said laughing walking towards the kitchen.

"Do you really do this every single morning?" Alex asked groaning before she pushed herself up. 

"Yes, it’s good training for the field, you know how fast I have to be and it works wonders when it comes to stamina." 

"Ugh yeah, I’m sure that comes in handy." Alex said while she headed towards the bathroom to take a shower while Kelley silently questioned Alex’s statement, because what was that about? 

Kelley got two mugs for them and started the coffee machine while she waited for Alex to get back from the shower. 

Meanwhile Alex was standing under the shower, letting the cold water hit her skin, closing her eyes at the feeling.   
It felt soothing for her muscles that already felt sore before they went on their run, making it even worse afterwards and she kind of wanted to stay right there forever, but she knew that coffee was waiting for her in the kitchen and Kelley probably wanted to take a shower as well, so she turned the water off, wrapped herself into a towel and headed for Kelley’s room where her clothes were currently stacked, due to the fact that she didn’t own a closet of her own yet. 

She put on sweatpants and a simple black t-shirt before she headed to the kitchen where Kelley was already sipping her coffee, handing Alex a second mug when she came closer. 

"Thanks, this might save my life." Alex said with a grin while Kelley shook her head laughing, before she stood up. 

"Where are you going?" Alex asked and Kelley raised her eyebrow. 

"Uh into the shower? I might not look like it, but I do need a shower." Kelley said setting her now empty mug down onto the kitchen table. 

"Want to join?" Kelley said it without really thinking about it, she was already halfway through the door when the words just slipped out and she heard Alex choking on her coffee before she called after her. 

"Yeah sure, was that really necessary? Do you have wipes, I spilled the coffee all over the table." It was probably for the best that Alex thought that it was a joke, but Kelley somehow still felt disappointment cursing through her veins so it took her a few seconds to reply to Alex’s question. 

"There should be some next to the sink." She heard Alex standing up and figured that she could handle things on her own, because Kelley really needed that shower, she desperately hoped that she could get the thought of Alex joining her out of her mind because otherwise she was probably truly screwed and she didn't mean it in a good way. 

The water was ice cold when Kelley turned it on, she almost yelled in surprise because she knew that Alex liked cold showers but she didn’t know that she liked them that cold. 

After a few seconds of initial shock the cold water felt really good on her skin though and it took her mind a bit off of things, which could only be good considering what she had been thinking about not too long ago. 

She hurried up with showering though, because they still needed to buy some stuff for Alex and if they wanted to be on time for their training session they had a schedule that was barely manageable. 

She almost ran into Alex when she left the bathroom.  
"Whoa, why are you basically running?" Alex asked amused and Kelley quickly pointed to the clock that was hanging on the wall. 

"We are already late with our schedule, we need to dress and then head into town. You need a new mattress and a closet or like… furniture in general. We have until noon, which is two hours, it’s not a lot but it might be doable. We’re supposed to meet with Becky and Chris at one, so we have one hour for a lunch break and…" She was stopped by Alex who put her hands onto Kelley’s still very naked shoulders and Kelley looked up into blue eyes that were looking back at her intensely. 

"Relax, we can make this work. I don’t need much time to make up my mind, it should be easy to find furniture." Kelley nodded hesitantly before they both headed towards Kelley’s room, because right, Alex’s clothes were still in there and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to change while Alex was in the room and it felt ridiculous because they have literally been sharing a locker room for ten years, she was used to changing while Alex was close by, she was used to Alex changing when she was right next to her, but somehow it felt different when it was just the two of them. 

Alex didn’t seem to see it this way though because her shirt was off the second they entered Kelley’s room and Kelley thought that they really needed to buy a closet for Alex because she wasn’t sure if she wanted a repetition of their current situation. 

Alex might’ve said that she didn’t need much time to make up her mind, but they couldn't seem to find a mattress that fitted her standard.  
"What about this one, it looks soft." Kelley said for what felt like the twelfths time since they walked into the shop and Alex flopped down onto the mattress with a bit too much excitement and since she was holding onto Kelley’s hand, Kelley was dragged down with her, crashing into Alex hard. 

"Yup, I like that one." Alex said looking into Kelley’s eyes who quickly looked away and pushed herself up, lying on top of Alex was not something she wanted to do right now. 

Alex looked at her a bit irritated when Kelley basically jumped away from her, but Kelley just ignored the gaze and smiled at Alex. 

"Great, now we have at least decided on a mattress, on to find a closet for you." 

"Uh did I say that we’re taking this one?" Alex asked and Kelley stared back at her wide eyed. 

"You just said that you like it." Kelley tried not to sound frustrated, but she wasn't sure if she was very successful at it. 

"I did, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to buy the first thing I like."

Kelley almost slipped up and made a comment about Alex choosing the first guy that came her way, but she bit back the words, she might not like Dean much but she knew that the comment would hurt Alex and she absolutely wanted to avoid that.

"Al please, we’ve already tried over half of the mattresses that they have available here, you hated every single one of them except this one, why not buy this one?" She looked at Alex almost pleadingly who skeptically looked back at the mattress and sighed. 

"Fine, we’ll try one more and if I don’t like that one, I’m taking the one we just tested." Alex tried to hide her own smile but Kelley could tell that she was happy about finding a mattress, they both knew that Alex wasn’t going to say yes to whatever mattress they were going to try next.

They bought the soft mattress, Alex looked really content but Kelley knew that if she were to make a joke about it, Alex would probably snap at her because for some reason Alex looked tense and Kelley wasn't sure why yet. 

"Do you think that maybe we should look for a closet tomorrow? It would give us some more time for lunch and the car is probably full with the mattress anyway." 

The question surprised Kelley because Alex had seemed so excited about buying a closet earlier and her suddenly changing her mind seemed uncharacteristic. 

"Are you okay? You sure that you want to do it tomorrow and not today? I can reschedule the training for a bit later if you need more time, I’m sure that Chris and Becky will understand. Just tell me what you need and we’ll do it." Kelley looked at Alex who was staring back at her eyes filled with something that Kelley wasn’t quite able to place. 

"You would really reschedule training for me?" She asked and Kelley hated how surprised she sounded about that, hated that it implied once again what she already knew to be true, that Dean always put Alex’s needs behind his own and that it meant that Alex wasn’t used to people doing stuff for her and she wanted to change that, she knew that she could, it didn’t matter if she wouldn't get anything in return because a smile on Alex face was absolutely worth it. 

"Of course, Al. I just want you to enjoy all of this." Kelley said gently and Alex teared up a little bit, shaking her head a little bit while Kelley looked at her worried. 

"It’s okay, I’m good with getting the closet tomorrow, we don’t need to reschedule. Can we find something to eat now?" Kelley knew better than to push, so she just accepted Alex’s decision, right now it seemed like she needed her to just be there for her. 

At any other time Kelley probably would’ve tried to argue her case and convince Alex that it would be best to get the closet right then because that was their initial plan and she knew that Alex wanted to get it, but considering the fact that Alex was basically begging her to take no for an answer, Kelley just accepted it.

"Fine, what are you in the mood for?" Kelley asked and Alex seemed to think about it before she sighed and replied   
"I don’t know, pick something you like?" 

She said it with a small smile and Kelley thought hard, she wanted Alex to decide what they were having, she wanted Alex to be happy, she wanted so many things and she didn’t know how to achieve them and it sucked, but then she got an idea and maybe this was one of those things that she could influence. 

"Okay, how would you like to go to that place near our apartment where they have delicious Mexican food, they even have some vegan stuff." 

Alex threw her a look that told Kelley that she knew exactly what she was trying to do, but then she smiled and said "Yeah I think I’d like that." and Kelley exhaled, maybe she could get Alex to a place where she would be more comfortable asking for things again or where she expected people to stand up for her.

"Kel?" Alex asked, Kelley looked at her with a questioning look and Alex was biting her lip nervously before she started talking. 

"I think I want to look for a closet after lunch." Kelley smiled and took Alex’s hand into her own, giving it a gentle squeeze. 

"Sure, we can do that." 

Kelley thought that maybe the smile on Alex’s face was worth more than Olympic Gold and Two World Cup wins combined.


	7. I loved you in secret

"I look hideous in yellow." Alex said pouting as she stepped out of the locker room, dressed in one of Kelley’s Royals tricots while she looked down at it skeptically.   
"No you don’t, there’s not a single color that looks hideous on you, promise." Kelley replied laughing and she meant it, she was absolutely convinced that there wasn’t a single color that would look bad on Alex.

"Aww Morgan, already getting in the mood playing for us, how touching." Christen said walking over to them with a smug grin on her face before she gave Alex a hug.

Kelley raised her eyebrow at the playful banter but didn’t comment on it, even though she was a bit surprised, Christen usually wasn’t acting that smug and she knew that her and Alex were friendly but somehow she never thought that they legit were friends. 

"You’re really making me regret transferring here, Pressy." Alex shot back and Christen laughed lightly before she hugged Kelley as well.

"Yellow looks good on you though." Christen added turning back to Alex who rolled her eyes but there was a small smile on her face. 

"Where’s Becky?" Kelley asked looking around for the other defender while Christen said "Oh, she shot me a message earlier, she’s going to be a bit late, told us to get started without her."

Kelley nodded before she looked at Alex who was looking around the hallway, like she was trying to memorize where every single room was located.  
She looked overwhelmed and Kelley had to give her that, the training center was pretty big and she got lost the first couple of times she trained there, admittedly it still happened now and then, but with time she got more used to it and it would probably be the same for Alex. 

"Hey, it takes some time to get used to all the rooms, don’t stress yourself out about it. We’ll show you around, right Chris?"   
Christen looked up from her phone, clearly not having heard a single word that Kelley just said, Kelley thought that it was safe to assume that she was either reading a text from Tobin or sending her one. 

"Sorry, what?" Christen asked shooting both of them an apologetic smile.

"I just told Alex that we’re going to give her a tour around the training center and that she just has to ask whenever she has a question." Kelley repeated her previous statement and Christen nodded excitedly.

"Yeah sure, oh by the way ARod said that she’s looking forward to practice with you, she was super excited that you’re joining us." 

Alex raised her eyebrow before she replied.  
"Why does that sound more like a threat than anything else?" 

Christen chuckled and said "Well it could be one, but I’m sure it’ll work out fine." 

Alex didn’t look too convinced, Kelley shot her a reassuring smile, hoping that it made Alex feel better.  
Christen looked between the two of them and raised her eyebrow, but didn't say anything, instead leading them into one of the training rooms. 

They started with running drills, Alex complained loudly about having to run again, Christen laughing loudly and telling her that that was probably just the risk of living with Kelley. 

"I know, I just never thought that I would be dragged into her inhumanly training." Alex whined and Kelley shot her a pointed look. 

"You do know that I can hear you, right? Besides, you‘re clearly not able to outrun me so my job isn‘t anywhere close to being done." She said it half as a joke but also half serious, Kelley was very passionate about her training routine after all and she couldn’t imagine why somebody wouldn‘t be.

"I thought your job is to defend the goal, did you switch jobs just to make sure that I‘m being tortured?" Alex asked winking at her and Kelley shook her head laughing.

"In a few weeks you‘re going to be thankful for all the running lessons, now go and practice some shots, I‘ll do some more running."

"Aye, aye Captain." Alex said with a laugh, saluting Kelley. 

"Last time I checked, that was my title." Kelley and Alex both spun around towards the door that had just opened, revealing a smiling Becky. 

"Technically she’s right." Christen called over from where she was taking shots at the net.

"Are you doing penalty kicks without a goalkeeper?" Becky asked with a raised eyebrow and Christen shrugged her shoulders. 

"I would’ve practiced them with a goalkeeper, but Kelley failed to invite one along for our little session." 

"Excuse me? I wasn’t aware that I was supposed to invite people along."

"Are they always like that?" Alex asked turning towards Becky who just nodded with resignation, making Alex laugh. 

"What matters is the fact, that they work on the field though, so I’ll take the banter during work out and training." Alex just smiled and nodded while she watched Kelley chasing after Christen. 

The rest of their training went well, Becky gave them some kind of stability that had them stop making fun of each other all the time and actually get some exercises done, Kelley saw how happy Alex looked and she could only hope that it was going to stay like this when they would train as a whole team, because Alex deserved to be happy, she deserved to have a team that she could connect with.

"You know that was fun, we should do that more often." Christen said when they finished, slumping down onto a bench while she drank from a water bottle, Alex nodding enthusiastically, a smile on her face that was so wide that Kelley’s heart warmed at the sight. 

Christen shot her a look and Kelley averted her gaze away from Alex, nervously biting her lip.

They’ve had this conversation before, Kelley thought they’ve actually had this conversation over ten times by now and Christen was right every single time because Alex was married and Kelley could never let anything happen between them, but it didn’t change the way she felt, it never had and it probably never would. 

"I agree, glad to have you here." Becky said smiling at Alex before she sat down next to her and Christen, leaving only Kelley standing.

"I’m really glad to be here, I think this was the right decision for me." Alex said a small smile crossing over her lips as she looked at Kelley who smiled back at her. 

Kelley knew that the statement was directed at her, it was Alex assuring her that she felt great here and that she was content with how things were going which was something Kelley was immensely grateful for since she was super worried about how the trade would affect Alex. 

"Guys, I hate to go but Tobin is waiting for me. Catch you tomorrow at training?" Christen asked when her phone rang, the other three nodding almost in sync.  
Christen gave all of them a hug before she left, leaving only Becky, Alex and Kelley remaining. 

"So what are you guys going to do with the rest of the day?" Becky asked as she put her water bottle down.

"Going home I guess, maybe order something to eat, right Al?" Kelley asked and Alex nodded her head yes.

"You’re staying with Kel until you get your own apartment?" Becky asked and Kelley froze because she knew the look that Becky was going to throw her way the moment she would find out that they were actually living together. 

"We’re actually living together now, I’m staying as long as my contract lasts or until Worms gets sick of me." Alex said jokingly while Kelley rolled her eyes affectionally trying to ignore the concerned look that Becky was throwing her way. 

There were two people who knew about her feelings for Alex. 

Christen and Becky. Maybe Christen told Tobin, Kelley wasn’t entirely sure if she knew, if she did she never mentioned anything but then again that could only be Tobin being Tobin. 

"Alex do you mind if I borrow Kelley for a few minutes?" Becky asked and Alex looked at her surprised, but shrugged her shoulders. 

"No problem, I’m just gonna go and take a shower. Wait for you at the car?" She asked turning to Kelley who nodded, even though her mind was already being swarmed by thoughts. 

She didn’t want to talk about this with Becky right now, she didn’t want to talk about this at all, she was sure that everything Becky was going to say had already been said in her mind multiple times, but it didn’t change any of the facts.  
Nevertheless she followed behind her teammate who lead her to one of the empty locker rooms, motioning for Kelley to sit down on one of the benches before she kneeled down in front of her. 

"You’re living with her? Did you think this was a good idea?" Becky asked looking concerned and Kelley just sighed.

"It wasn’t my idea, she asked and I couldn’t say no. It’s no big deal, we both have our own bedrooms, I can handle this." 

"Come on Kelley, we both know that this is bullshit, you’re in love with her, you’ve been in love with her for forever why are you doing this to yourself? I don’t want to see you getting hurt. I’m not trying to imply that Alex would ever want to hurt you, I’m pretty sure you’re far too important to her but she doesn’t know Kelley, she will eventually hurt you even if it isn’t intentionally. You’ll end up getting both of you hurt and I don’t think that you can keep going like this forever." Becky looked at her with a hint of sadness in her eyes and Kelley felt her throat drying up at her friend’s words.

She knew that Becky was probably right, she didn’t want her to be right though and Kelley was known for being stubborn. 

"What am I supposed to do? I’m not going to send her away, we’re just sharing an apartment." 

Becky raised her eyebrow at that.   
"Yeah sure, you share an apartment and at night when Alex fights with Dean, which happens a lot I guess considering that he isn’t exactly the definition of the perfect actor husband, she’s going to come to you crying, crawling into your bed and you’re going to hold her and let her cry herself to sleep, but you’re just sharing an apartment, right?" 

Kelley bit down on her lip hard, because it was true, she would do that and they both knew it.  
Becky sighed and rubbed her hand over her temple before she spoke again. 

"Look I won’t tell you what to do, because I know that you won’t listen anyways, but please watch out for your heart, Kelley. You might think that Alex deserves the world, but so do you." 

Kelley nodded slowly, feeling helpless because how was she supposed to do this? 

Becky setting the record straight about their current living situation opened her eyes, she now knew just how difficult this could get and maybe she didn’t think things through when she agreed to Alex living with her, but she would never back out off it now.

Kelley had always been up for a challenge and maybe this was her chance to prove that she could in fact handle her feelings for someone she was living with.   
A little part of herself actually doubted that she could, she was barely able to handle her feelings when Alex was on the other side of the country, how was she supposed to do it when she was sleeping just one room away from Kelley? 

Kelley felt the urge to run away, but she couldn’t, it wasn’t the kind of person she was because she never backed down from a fight, certainly not when it was about something as important as Alex.   
She would get through this and Alex wasn't going to find out about her feelings.

"Kelley? Do you really want to keep this a secret forever? Do you think that’s a good idea, I’m not sure if it’s healthy." Becky said voice still laced with concern and it was followed by another sigh from Kelley’s side. 

"I don’t know Becky, I truly don’t know. I love her, that’s not just going to change."

"What if you tell her?" Becky asked and Kelley’s gaze snapped up to look at her friend. 

"What? No! I can’t do that. She is married, Becky. I can’t mess us up like this." Kelley’s shoulders slumped down slightly at the mention of Dean, because it didn't matter how she felt about him and that she had always thought that Alex deserved better, Alex loved him and she had to accept that.

Becky smiled at her sadly and gave her a pat on the shoulder before she stood up. 

"I’m sure you will figure something out. If you need me, just give me a call you can always talk to me." 

Kelley nodded and shot Becky a small smile before she pushed herself up from the bench, because Alex was waiting for her outside, waiting for them to go home to their shared apartment. 

"I’ll see you tomorrow." She said to Becky, who pulled her into a hug that was so tight and reassuring, that it made Kelley want to cry.


	8. just to tell you what I’m thinking (but you already know)

The weeks passed by, Alex got along with her new teammates marvelously and Kelley couldn’t have been happier about how well she fitted in with the team.   
It was effortless and Alex looked so happy most of the time. 

They frequently went out with their teammates, often Tobin tagged along as well and it was fun, it really was.

Not so fun were the countless nights that Kelley spent on the couch in the living room while Alex slept in her arms. 

She didn’t know how they always ended up there, one minute they were watching tv and the next Alex fell asleep and Kelley couldn’t bring herself to wake her up.

It happened more often than it should’ve and to make it worse Alex was really cuddly when she slept and usually ended up clinging to Kelley who ended up with almost no sleep every single time. 

She spent her nights hearing Alex breathe softly instead, feeling her heartbeat and while it was a magical feeling it also broke her heart because she wished that things were different, that any of this could be romantic, that Alex could actually fall in love with her. 

It was the night before Alex’s first game with the Royals, Kelley hadn’t seen Alex since she disappeared to the gym in the afternoon and she was a bit worried. 

She knew Alex, knew how Alex tended to even doubt herself when she was in best form and she couldn’t imagine that it was different this time.  
She probably went to the gym to get her mind off of things, Kelley doubted that it was working and it was only a matter of time until Alex would come knocking on her bedroom door, because eventually she would want to talk about it or at least have some company. 

Kelley’s tv was turned on and it was well past ten when she finally heard a knock.   
It was barely noticeable but since Kelley had been waiting for it she still heard it.   
She was up and at the door within a few seconds, almost ripping the door open and Alex looked at her a bit startled when they came face to face.

"I…" Alex said stopping like she didn't know what to say and Kelley just nodded and silently said "Come in."  
Alex did as she was told, stepping into Kelley’s bedroom.

"Sit." Kelley said motioning for her bed and Alex promptly sat down, Kelley joining her on the bed a few seconds later.

"You don’t have to worry about tomorrow, you’ll do good." Kelley said and Alex looked at her stunned.

"How did you…"

"Know? Please Alex, you’re my best friend I know you." Kelley interrupted Alex's sentence and Alex was looking back at her so intensely that Kelley felt a shiver running down her spine because it felt like Alex wanted to read her mind and Kelley thought that that would be a really bad thing for the both of them. 

"I just don’t want to screw this up. I really like it here, living with you, playing with the team. For once everything just feels right." She stopped and looked at Kelley.

"You’re scared that things will go wrong?" Kelley asked and Alex nodded slowly, wondering how Kelley was somehow always able to know what she was thinking.   
Then she thought about the fact that Dean never knew what she was thinking, most of the time he didn’t even understand when she told him how she felt and it was a realization that stung, he was her husband, he should at least try to understand.   
It was something she didn't want to think about right now, she was already stressed out enough, the last thing Alex needed right now was to have doubts about her marriage - again. 

Kelley put her out of her misery when she started talking again, taking Alex’s mind away from Dean in order to focus on what Kelley was saying.

"Listen to me. I know that you’re on edge right now and that you want to do good. You’ve been training hard for the last few weeks, like really hard and I’m honestly impressed about how determined you’ve been lately. That being said, you don’t need to score tomorrow, you know that, right? It would be cool if you did and I get that you want to, but you don’t have to. It’s not a bad thing if it doesn’t work out right away and I need you to know that. So don’t panic or put yourself under too much pressure, it won’t help you and will only make you anxious. I want you to enjoy this because it’s your first game with the team, it’s our first game together." Kelley smiled at that, hoping that it would be enough to put Alex’s mind at ease and she felt panic rise up as she saw that Alex was in fact crying. 

Alex was simply overwhelmed by Kelley’s words and she couldn’t hold back the tears because Kelley was probably the most gentle and understanding person she’s ever encountered and she didn’t know what she ever did to deserve a best friend like that. 

There were so many instances where she felt like she wasn’t nearly good enough to consider herself Kelley O’Hara’s best friend, this was one of them. 

Deep down she knew that her worries were absolutely baseless, she knew that she could do this, but sometimes the pressure of being in the spotlight at all times was too much and then she started to panic and doubt herself.   
Kelley was somehow always there to catch her and Alex didn’t even have to ask for it, because Kelley just knew.

It was like that right now, Alex didn't have to say anything, Kelley just knew and pulled her in, she knew Alex, knew that she just needed someone to tell her that everything was going to be okay so that’s what she did.

"It’ alright, you’re good. Everything will work out fine." 

"What if it doesn’t?" Alex sniffled and Kelley shook her head softly. 

"Why would you think that? You’ve been good in training and you play really well with the team. You almost beat me at our little race this morning." 

Alex smiled when she said that before she silently said "Next time I’ll beat you."   
Kelley laughed and replied "Yeah sure, keep on dreaming I guess." 

"But seriously Kel all jokes aside, what if I can‘t deliver? I could‘ve been better during the World Cup, what if I‘m not good enough for the team?" 

Alex looked genuinely sad and Kelley just shook her head because she didn’t know what to say to that, wasn’t sure how to explain to Alex what she wanted her to understand. 

"You‘re kidding, right? You won the Silver Boot while playing half of the tournament with an injury, every single person claiming that you‘re not good enough for this team is either crazy or lying." 

Kelley was getting fed up by the conversation, it was ridiculous that Alex couldn‘t see how good she was despite the fact that she hadn‘t been fully healthy during the World Cup, there had to be some way to make her believe in herself more. 

"You really think that, you don‘t just want me to feel better about myself?" Alex asked nervously chewing on her lip, eyes still filled with tears and Kelley felt her patience wavering because this was getting beyond frustrating and it seemed unlike Alex to be this self conscious.

"Al, you know that I wouldn‘t do that. I meant what I said and I stand by that." Alex took a deep breath and closed her eyes before she reopened them and nodded.

"Ok, I can do this. You’re right I’m putting too much pressure on myself, we should just enjoy this right?"

She was looking at Kelley so desperately and Kelley just wanted to kiss her and make her feel better, but she knew that she couldn’t, so she did the next best thing and pulled her into another hug, squeezing Alex so tightly that she could only hope that she didn’t break any bones.

Alex was holding onto Kelley like her life depended on it, at first she was sobbing and everything just felt like it was too much but Kelley didn't let go, warmth spreading through Alex’s body and she slowly calmed down.  
The sobs stopped and Kelley was still holding her, Alex could feel her heart beating against her chest and she closed her eyes, just took all of it in and only then she felt safe.

She couldn’t recall when she felt truly safe with someone, she never felt safe with Dean, she felt something similar to safety when she was with her family, but the only instances she could think of where she felt truly safe all involved Kelley and her heart missed a few beats when she realized it.

Maybe it was the way that Kelley just understood her without actually having to say something or it was the trust that they both had in each other.   
Alex wasn't sure and it didn’t matter, all that mattered was that Kelley was in her life and that she stayed there.

"I’m going nowhere." Kelley whispered into Alex’s ear in that very moment and Alex had to laugh because she didn’t know how Kelley did it, how she always knew what Alex was thinking, it really felt like she could read her mind sometimes. 

"I think I’d be completely lost without you." Alex whispered and Kelley squeezed her only tighter because she felt the same way, she’d be lost without Alex.

It was different for her though, Alex meant it in an I’d be lost without my best friend way, while for Kelley it was much more of a You’re the love of my life and I couldn’t stand losing you thing.

She knew that things won’t be like this forever, they would eventually have to retire and Alex was probably going to start a family with Dean at some point because she knew that Alex always wanted to have kids and at this point she thought that Alex would never leave Dean, even if she wasn’t happy.

The thought broke her heart, Alex deserved happiness and Kelley knew how loyal she was and how much effort she put into her marriage despite all the difficulties that her and Dean had to endure, most of the time she felt like Alex was the only one who was trying though and that wasn’t how things should be. 

"Kel?" Alex interrupted her thoughts, pulling back from the hug slightly before she looked at Kelley with questioning eyes.

Kelley almost slipped up, she almost lost her cool when she looked into Alex’s blue eyes and she almost told her that she’s in love with her, that she has been for ten years.

She didn’t know what stopped her, maybe it was the lingering fear in the back of her mind that it was going to completely ruin them, maybe it just wasn’t the right moment, maybe someday she could tell Alex, maybe there would be a time where they could laugh about this.

Kelley didn’t believe that it was going to happen, maybe this was something she would have to keep to herself forever and the thought hurt, but her friendship with Alex was much more important than her unrequited feelings, so she could deal with them as long as she had Alex. 

"Sorry, I’m just tired." Kelley said when she realizes that Alex was still looking at her.

Alex nodded and hesitated for a few seconds like she wanted to ask something, Kelley just smiled softly before she said "Of course you can stay but don’t you dare steal my blanket." 

Alex shot her an offended look, before she said "I would never." 

Kelley laughed before both of them crawled under the blanket, Kelley turning down the lights while Alex turned the tv off with the remote before she put her arm around Kelley’s waist cuddling close to her. 

"Kel?" Alex whispered when she realized that Kelley’s eyes were already closed.

Kelley wasn’t asleep yet but she felt unable to move, startled by the feeling of Alex’s arms wrapped around her, trying to control her racing heart and her breathing.

Alex smiled, still thinking that Kelley was sleeping when she pressed a feather light kiss onto her best friend’s forehead. 

"Thank you for always knowing what I can’t say, I love you." She whispered before she closed her eyes as well, falling asleep quickly while Kelley stayed wide awake for another two hours, the feeling of Alex’s lips against her forehead still prominent.

She couldn't help but wonder how it would feel to feel Alex’s lips against her own, it was her last thought before she finally drifted into sleep around two a.m.


	9. I can’t be alone with all that’s on my mind

Alex didn’t score but she assisted on a goal and Kelley could tell from the smile on her face that at least this time it was enough for her.  
She shot Alex a proud smile over the field who grinned back at her, like she had been waiting for her to look her way.

Kelley saw her eyes sparkling even from the distance and maybe this was working, maybe she could give Alex the confidence that she needed, maybe she was able to make things easier and less stressful for Alex, she certainly hoped so. 

With every passing minute Kelley noticed how Alex slowly started to relax more and more, it was a welcoming sight and Kelley wished that it could always be like this, Alex simply playing instead of worrying so much about how she‘s doing.

Once the game was over Kelley wanted to rush over to Alex, but she saw that she was happily chatting and laughing with ARod, so Kelley decided that it would be better to just catch up with her in the locker room. 

She saw Christen coming her way and smiled at the forward.   
"What did you do with Alex?"

Kelley looked at her irritated, because she didn‘t do anything, at least nothing that she knew about. 

"What do you mean, is something wrong?" Kelley looked over to where Alex was standing, still laughing at something that Amy must‘ve just said. 

"Oh come on, we both know that normally she would be bummed about not scoring herself." Christen said with a small smile playing across her lips.

Kelley shrugged her shoulders before she said "I told her that she doesn‘t have to put herself under too much pressure all the time."

Christen raised her eyebrow at that looking surprised.  
"And that actually worked? What are you, a wizard?" 

Kelley laughed and shook her head because she certainly wasn’t but Christen was right about one thing, it seemed like it worked.

"Sometimes it just takes someone to listen and someone who tells you that things are going to be alright, it‘s really not that deep." 

Christen sighed looking at Kelley in silence for a moment like she was considering what to say next before she started to talk again.   
"I‘m just saying that it takes a lot of trust to actually take to heart what someone else tells you, especially when it comes to stuff like self doubts, those don‘t just go away. I know how competitive and self critical Alex is, the way she played today though, it was different. Still competitive as hell, but she also had lots of fun and worried less than usual and it showed. So I don’t know what you said to her, but good job, she deserves to genuinely enjoy the games." 

Kelley knew that she was right and the thought that Alex trusted her enough to put aside her worries made her heart beat a lot faster than it should but at the same time it felt like a tiny stab, because Alex trusted her and Kelley was keeping such a big thing from her, has been hiding her feelings for years and she was wondering what would happen if Alex were to ever find out, because surely it would ruin the trust that Alex has in her.

"Hey, are you okay?" Christen asked looking at her with concern in her eyes and Kelley just nodded slowly, she wasn’t really in the mood to talk about her feelings right now.

"You would tell me if you weren’t, right?" Christen squeezed Kelley’s shoulder who smiled back hesitantly before she turned to look into Alex’s direction, realizing that her and Amy weren’t there anymore.   
Christen followed her gaze and sighed.

Kelley knew that she didn’t have to constantly worry about Alex, theoretically she was also aware of the fact that Alex could do very well on her own, however she was still worried whenever Alex was out of her sight.

She knew that Alex just went to the locker room to change, it shouldn’t have been a big deal, it wasn’t but it felt like she hadn’t seen her in a few hours and Kelley was starting to realize just how much this whole living together situation was getting to her, she was way too attached and probably should distance herself a bit if she didn’t want to hurt herself too badly. 

Not that she could, they were living together after all and Alex would’ve noticed if Kelley decided to keep her distance and at this point Kelley wasn’t sure if she would’ve been able to stay away from Alex anyway.

"Kelley, hey snap out of it." Kelley looked at Christen who was waving her hand in front of her face, obviously having tried for quite some time now. 

"Sorry, what did you say?" 

"I think you need some time apart from Alex, this can’t be healthy. I said that we should head to the locker room and get changed." Christen said eyeing Kelley with worry in her eyes and honestly Kelley couldn’t blame her, she felt like a mess, as much as she loved living with Alex it was slowly getting to her and it was hard to keep this from her best friend, but it wasn’t like she could just go and confess her feelings for her. 

"I can’t push her away, Chris. I don’t know what to do, she needs me and honestly I need her as well. When I realized that I love her, I swore to myself that I would always be there for her no matter what and I intend to stand by that. I won’t let my feelings affect our friendship, I can’t do that to us." 

Christen smiled sadly before she put her arm around Kelley’s shoulder.   
"I get it, you love her but is not destroying your friendship with her really worth it? It seems like you’re on a path of self destruction right now and I really, really don’t want to see you hurting like this. There’s nothing I can say to make you change your mind, is there?" 

Kelley shook her head determinedly before she said "No there isn’t. I can’t give up on her, Chris. Would you ever give up Tobin?" 

Christen bit her lip and shook her head, but quickly added "No I wouldn’t, but that’s something entirely different. Tobin wasn’t married when we got together, Alex is married and I really don’t see her leaving Dean anytime soon, she loves him." 

Kelley bit her lip so hard that she tore the skin, tasting blood a few seconds later.  
"Can we please just drop this?" 

It was less of a request and much more a command and Christen knew that, so she just shrugged her shoulders, dropping the topic not that it made Kelley feel any better.

They had reached the locker room by now, Kelley walking inside first. She walked over to her locker, getting her clothes out when she felt Alex coming to a stop next to her. 

"What did you do with your lip, it’s bleeding." Alex said worried, reaching for Kelley’s lip with her thumb, Kelley flinching involuntarily at the contact.

"Sorry, does it hurt?" Alex asked worriedly and Kelley shook her head quickly.

"No, just stings a bit, must’ve bitten it earlier." Alex looks at least somewhat convinced but she‘s still staring at Kelley‘s lips and there is no way that she wants to kiss her, the rational part of Kelley knows that but her heart is screaming at her to just lean in. 

It took everything in her to ignore it, tearing her gaze away from Alex instead, who snapped out of her haze like state a few seconds later. 

"Do you need me to get you some ice to cool that while you shower and get dressed?" She motioned towards Kelley’s lip while Kelley shook her head.

"No, it’s fine, I’ll just shower quickly don’t worry the bleeding will stop eventually." Alex nodded hesitantly.

"I’ll wait outside, do we already have plans for dinner?" 

"Uhh not really, I though Netflix and takeout?" Kelley offered a small smile and Alex started grinning widely before she nodded her head enthusiastically.

"I’ll look up where we can get something while you shower." She said before she threw her bag over her shoulder, heading towards the locker room door while Kelley grabbed a towel and headed towards the showers.

Kelley showered as fast as possible, all she wanted to do was go home and watch some tv with Alex while eating takeout.

It had been a long day and her muscles felt a bit sore even after the shower, perhaps she could find some time to take a hot bath when they finally got home. 

Kelley turned the shower off and wrapped the towel around her body, heading back to her locker and dressing herself before she headed out of the locker room, searching for Alex.

She found her at the car, phone in her hand looking like she was either extremely mad or really sad and Kelley was pretty sure that she also saw a hint of annoyance, which was confirmed when Alex almost threw her phone away, stopping when she spotted Kelley, letting the hand in which she was holding her phone slump down.

"Come on, I’ll drive us home, did you find a place where we can get takeout?" 

"I lost my appetite." Alex said looking down at her phone defeatedly and Kelley placed her hand on her shoulder making Alex turn towards her, meeting her gaze. 

"What happened?" Kelley asked and Alex quickly shook her head.

"Nothing." Kelley just raised her eyebrow because they both knew that something was up. 

"Okay, not nothing. Can we talk about this at home, please?" Alex asked eyes pleading and Kelley’s gaze immediately softened. 

"Of course, we’re still getting takeout though, you’re going to regret claiming that you weren’t hungry later." Alex rolled her eyes but Kelley saw the hint of a smile cross over her face.

They stopped at a little Italian food shop and got a few boxes with takeout food, in fact Alex ordered two boxes more than Kelley did, which didn’t go unnoticed by the defender, but Alex shot her a look that clearly said "Don’t you dare say anything." so Kelley just grinned and payed.

As soon as they arrived at their apartment Kelley sat down on their couch, Alex walking in a minute later with takeout boxes in her hand.   
She gave Kelley one before she laid down on the couch, placing her legs over Kelley’s lap. 

"Want to tell me what’s going on now?" Kelley asked, turning the tv on not looking at Alex, but she felt her tensing up a bit.

"I don’t really want to, but knowing you you probably won’t let this go and maybe I’ll feel better after telling you?" Kelley felt Alex’s gaze on her and looked back at her best friend who was nervously chewing on her lip. 

"Just tell me, whatever it is, I am here for you."

"It was my first game here and I asked Dean if he wanted to fly in and he told me that he couldn’t because he was spending some time with his colleague today, they wanted to talk about a potential new movie project or something so I said that it was alright, because I get it, this kind of stuff is important to him, he could use some work lately. I mean, I was bummed that he didn’t want to come here for the game, but I assumed that he would at least watch it and maybe call me and tell me that I did good, but then he didn’t and I’m just…" Her voice cracked and Kelley clenched her hand into a fist, because of course Dean wouldn’t even bother to watch the game, he certainly didn’t spent a single thought on flying in for the occasion.

The look on Alex’s face broke her heart, she looked so sad when she was smiling and happy an hour ago and she kind of hated Dean for ruining this moment for Alex. 

"You’re hurt that he didn’t call?" Kelley finished Alex sentence who nodded before she started tearing up. 

"I don’t know what to do to make him care. I know that deep down he does and maybe he is just not good with showing it, but it sucks that he’s never there when I need him."

"Come here." Kelley said offering a hug and Alex quickly took the opportunity, cuddling against Kelley who felt hot tears soaking through her t-shirt immediately, squeezing Alex tightly against her body. 

"I know that this probably won’t help you right now and I get that you’re upset about Dean, but you will always have us, you know that, right? He might not be here right now, but I am and I will always be there when you need me. Pretty sure the same goes for the team, you have so many friends that care about you, Al. And I know it’s not the same as Dean, but it’s something and that has to count, doesn’t it?"

Kelley felt Alex’s grip around her tightening like she’s desperately holding onto something and Kelley’s heart is hurting because things aren’t how she wants them to be, Alex is in her arms but not in the way she wished she would be and she feels selfish for wanting this to be romantic because Alex is hurting and she has to be there as her best friend.

"I just wish that things would be different." Alex sobbed quietly and Kelley whispered "Yeah me too.", meaning something entirely different than Alex did.


	10. there’s something bout you girl i just can’t fight

"Pack your bag because we are going to L.A. for a week." Alex said happily setting down a bag with groceries onto the kitchen table while Kelley looked up from the crossword quiz that she was currently occupied with. 

"We’re what?" She asked despite the fact that she understood perfectly well what Alex had said.

"You and me, Los Angeles. Everything is already booked and cleared with the coaches." Alex said smiling and Kelley couldn’t help but feel a little bit irritated because this was the first time she was hearing about any of this. 

"Uh don’t take this the wrong way, I get that you’re going to see Dean, but why exactly am I joining you?" Kelley was happy about Alex wanting her to come with her, but she didn’t really like the idea of playing third wheel, especially not being the third wheel to Alex and Dean. 

She was already struggling enough with her feelings for Alex, she didn’t need to see her being all lovey with her husband.   
Besides the obvious reason she was still pissed at him for not being there during Alex’s first game with the Royals, Alex had spent the whole night crying in her arms and he never even apologized for it and Kelley still felt angry about it.

"Because it’s going to be fun. Actually, we’ll only be in Los Angeles for two days, I thought we deserve a little break so the plan is that we go there on Friday, attend this probably really boring award ceremony on Saturday and afterwards we could drive down to Malibu for a few more days and go surfing." Kelley was surprised by that, she would’ve thought that if Alex got a whole week off of work she would surely want to spend the entire week with Dean, her just wanting to be there for two days, or really just one and a half seemed a bit strange, considering that she was working on saving her marriage, not that Kelley would complain about it, she kind of liked the thought of going to Malibu with Alex for a few days and she had been craving the chance to surf again.

Nevertheless she had to think about Alex and what was best for her marriage, so she was still a bit hesitant about going to L.A. with her.

Frantically searching for an argument not to go, Kelley said "You can surf with Dean while you‘re in L.A., I‘m sure he‘d love to spend some time with his wife."   
Alex’s smile faltered and Kelley knew that she had said something wrong, she wanted to take it back immediately but it was already too late.

"He never takes me with him when he goes surfing." Alex sounded sad and Kelley wanted to hug her, because Alex deserved so much better than someone who didn’t appreciate her, which was something that Dean clearly couldn’t do.

"Why not?" Kelley frowned while Alex shrugged her shoulders, clearly trying to play it down, but Kelley wasn’t buying into that. 

"He needs his peace and thinks I‘m not good enough at surfing to keep up with him. Same goes for his basketball games and pretty much anything else." 

Now Kelley wanted to slap Dean, because how dare he ever suggest that Alex is not good enough at something? Kelley went surfing with Alex before, hell she was the one who taught her how to surf and Alex might not be on pro level, she was certainly better with soccer than with surfing, but she tried and worked hard and wasn’t half as bad at it as Dean was probably making her feel. 

"You know that you’re pretty decent at surfing, right?" Kelley asked and Alex looked at her surprised, like it was something ridiculous to say. 

"You think so?" She asked and her face lightened up with hope and Kelley’s heart broke a little bit because how many times did she have to tell Alex how amazing she was until she would finally start to believe it herself? 

"Of course, Al. I mean you were horrible in the beginning, but you got significantly better during our time in L.A., why is it so hard for you to believe in yourself?" Alex looked at her stunned for a few seconds and Kelley knew that she couldn't answer the question because Alex didn't know either. 

"I… I’m not sure." Alex finally replied and Kelley nodded and gave her hand a squeeze before she leaned against Alex’s shoulder. 

"That’s alright, we’ll get there."

"Please come to L.A. with me?" Alex asked silently and Kelley really wanted to say no, there was no way that she could handle spending time with Alex and Dean, but her mouth betrayed her and instead of no, a "Fine, I’ll come with you." somehow escaped.

Alex immediately squealed before excitedly jumping up and down and it was adorable, but Kelley already regretted saying yes.  
She knew that there was never a chance of her saying no to Alex it was like all her self control got lost whenever Alex asked her to do something.

"You’re really the best friend ever, have I ever told you that?" Alex asked smiling at Kelley sheepishly who tried to smile back at Alex, but it probably didn’t look too convincing and Alex picked up on it.

"Is something wrong?" She asked taking Kelley’s hand into her own which didn’t make it any better for Kelley.

"I just didn’t expect to go to Los Angeles, I guess. I’m a bit surprised are you really sure that you want me to come along?" Kelley knew that there was no way to back out of this now, she had already said yes and Alex wouldn’t just let her off the hook. 

"Kel I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want you to come along. Don’t you want to come along with me or what is going on?" Alex was looking at her with worry in her eyes and Kelley wondered when things had gotten this complicated between them.

Alex kept her problems with Dean to herself and Kelley was hiding her feelings for Alex and it led to both of them being unable to say what was really going on which then again led to situations like the one they were currently stuck in. 

"I just don’t get why you want me to come along. Wouldn’t it be better for your and Dean’s marriage if you spent the week together? Like, I appreciate the whole surfing trip to Malibu and I’d love to spend my vacation with you, but your marriage should come first, shouldn’t it?"   
Alex bit her lip nervously and looked at Kelley, blue eyes piercing through Kelley’s green ones. 

"Are you trying to imply that I’m not fighting for my marriage hard enough?" 

"What, no!" Kelley protested quickly while Alex looked at her with something in her eyes that Kelley couldn’t quite read.

"Are you sure, because it surely sounded like you thought differently a few seconds ago."   
Alex crossed her arms in front of her chest and she looked hurt and Kelley absolutely hated it, why did they always have to fight when it came to Dean, why couldn’t they for once have a normal conversation about this where she could honestly voice her thoughts without Alex feeling personally attacked right away? 

"It’s not your fault, I know that you are trying, I just don’t think that he is!" Kelley burst out without thinking, Alex looking at her blankly. 

"Oh… I see." She said tearing her gaze away from Kelley, letting her arms fall to the side.

"Al, I didn’t mean it like that." Kelley tried but she knew that it was pointless, she had already hurt Alex’s feelings. 

"You know what, maybe you shouldn’t come to Los Angeles with me if you dislike Dean that much."   
Kelley felt like she finally got what she wanted, but the price at which she achieved it was a lot higher than she intended.   
She saw the tears in Alex’s eyes and the anger, sadness and anger were never a good combination when it came to Alex, she knew that all too well and Kelley also knew that it was better not to say anything right now, because she would probably regret it afterwards. 

"I’m heading to the gym, don’t follow me." Alex said, wiping away a few of the tears that were running down her face and Kelley so desperately wanted to reach out, but she couldn’t so she let her walk out before she sunk down onto the couch, burying her head in her hands.

She had to make this right somehow, she couldn’t let Alex fly to Los Angeles while she was still mad at her, she couldn’t just let her walk away.

Kelley jumped up, she had to do something to get on Alex’s good side again and she knew exactly what to do. 

She knew Alex well enough to know that she had at least three hours until Alex would get back, since she was clearly upset it would probably be more which gave her just enough time to make her plan happen. 

Kelley went into the kitchen to get her notepad, opening the fridge and then scribbling down what she needed from the grocery store.

She then searched for the car keys that weren’t on their usual place in the hallway, instead finding them on the couch table where Alex had probably left them. 

Kelley shook her head slightly before she took off.

Luckily the store had everything she needed and since Kelley still had more time left than she thought she would have she made a quick stop at the flower shop that was located a few streets away from their apartment.

Kelley threw a quick glance at the clock when she got back to the apartment before she hurried into the kitchen, she had dinner to prepare and a living room to decorate.

Meanwhile Alex was trying to forcefully forget about her fight with Kelley.  
She knew that she was overdoing it with her exercises, she felt completely exhausted and was still pushing herself to continue but she just couldn’t shake away the feeling that was rushing through her.

Kelley’s words had hurt and it wasn’t necessarily because it was Kelley who said them, the real reason why Alex had gotten so mad was because maybe Kelley was right, maybe Dean wasn’t trying as hard to fix this as Alex was.

The thought hurt because she loved him and she didn’t want to lose their marriage, but Kelley was right, he didn’t really put any effort into fixing them and most of the time it felt like Alex had to do everything on her own.

She felt horrible about snapping on Kelley like that, she was just trying to help her and Alex knew that Kelley would never try to purposefully hurt her.

Alex hit the punching bag in front of her with a bit too much force and quickly pulled her hand back as a sharp pain shot through her wrist. 

That was her sign to stop, she couldn’t risk injuring herself, she needed to be fit for their next game.

Alex headed for the showers, hoping that some cold water could do what all the training couldn’t, drown out the feeling that had been following her around for quite some time now.  
Of course it didn’t work, she was still feeling hurt, both by Dean’s behavior lately and Kelley’s words from earlier. 

She knew that it was more justified to feel hurt over what Dean was doing, Kelley had just told her the truth even though it was a bit harsh and she seriously needed to apologize to her later when she got home. 

Alex could only hope that Kelley would still agree to go to Los Angeles and Malibu with her she really didn’t want to fly over to visit Dean on her own, especially not considering how distant he had been lately. 

She thought that maybe it was because he was still pissed about her choosing Utah over Portland, but that was nothing she could change now and if she was being honest, she didn’t want to.  
She was happy in Salt Lake City, happy with her new team and happy about living with Kelley.  
She still wasn’t happy about her marriage though, but she wouldn’t give up on it, not now, not when she just moved across the whole country to be closer to Dean.

Alex eventually turned off the shower, it was time for her to go back home and apologize to Kelley.   
Alex got dressed, grabbed her bag, her headphones and put them on, blasting some music as she left the gym heading back to the apartment. 

When she finally got home, she walked into complete darkness, which was unusual because Kelley should’ve been at home at this time. 

"Kel? Worms? Are you home?" Alex called out, reaching for the light switch when suddenly two hands were in front of her face. 

"Keep them closed." She heard Kelley’s voice behind her, immediately relaxing when she realized that she wasn’t just being attacked by a burglar or a murderer.

"Are you trying to kill me? I mean I get it, I was being an asshole earlier, but there’s no need to give me a heart attack." Alex asked and Kelley chuckled. 

"I thought I was being an asshole to be honest. Step forward, I have a surprise for you but don’t peak." 

"Kelley, it’s super dark in here, even if I tried to I probably wouldn’t be able to see anything." Alex replied with a laugh, while she let herself be guided forward by Kelley, she assumed that they were walking towards their living room where she could hear the faint sound of music playing.

"Are your eyes closed?" Kelley whispered into Alex’s ear who shivered a little bit when Kelley’s breath grazed over her neck.   
She nodded, holding her breath for a few seconds. 

"Okay I’m taking my hands away now, but keep your eyes still closed." Kelley ordered while Alex just nodded.

Kelley slowly pulled her hands away, Alex missing the contact a little bit, but she stood patiently waiting for Kelley to give her a sign to open her eyes. 

"Open them now." Kelley said from across the room, Alex slowly opening her eyes and gasping at the sight in front of her.

"Kel what…?" Alex said before she stopped herself taking in the sight in front of her.

Their whole living room was basked in soft light, Kelley had somehow managed to hang up what looked like one hundred seashell shaped light strings across the whole living room, their tv was showing a slide show of pictures from their time in Los Angeles, pictures of Kelley and Alex, them with Tobin, the house that they shared and pictures that they took down at the beach.

"I attempted to cook something Mexican and I really hope that it doesn’t totally suck, but if it does I also have a delivery service on speed dial." Kelley said holding a little bouquet with flowers in her hand while she smiled shyly at Alex, who was still staring and completely rendered speechless. 

She felt herself tearing up, she was pretty sure that no one had ever done something like this for her before and she didn’t deserve someone like Kelley in her life, Kelley was possibly the most caring person that she knew and she was currently trying to apologize for something that hadn’t even been her fault in the first place. 

"Al? Please don’t cry, I feel really sorry about what I said earlier, I didn’t meant to hurt you." Kelley said slowly stepping closer, Alex quickly wiping away the tears shaking her head.

"I should be apologizing, I completely overreacted, this is so beautiful, Kel. Did you do all of this while I was away?"   
Kelley shrugged her shoulders with a shy smile.

"It’s not that much of a big deal, I thought you deserve a proper apology. Do you maybe want to sit and give the food a try?" Kelley asked coming to a stop in front of Alex, holding out the bouquet to her. 

"I know that you can cook, so yes absolutely." Kelley smirked before she tucked some hair behind Alex’s ear.

"Are you still coming to Los Angeles and Malibu with me?" Alex asked and Kelley sighed before she nodded her head.

"Sure, can’t say no to a surfing vacation." Alex threw her arms around Kelley’s neck, hugging her so tightly that Kelley had trouble breathing, but at least her apology plan had worked out.


	11. All we do is think about the feelings that we hide

They landed in Los Angeles early on Friday morning, Kelley was still pretty sure that this wasn’t a good idea but Alex seemed genuinely happy about this, so for now she would give the whole situation the benefit of the doubt.

"Let’s go look if we can find Dead somewhere." Alex said as soon as they got their suitcases, grabbing Kelley’s hand and dragging her after her, Kelley still trying to process the feeling of Alex’s hand in hers.

"He should be here by now." Alex said brows furrowing when she looked at the watch around her wrist.

"I’m sure he will be here in a few minutes." Kelley said, while she thought that he’d better be. 

Alex put her suitcase down, reaching for her phone while she still held onto Kelley’s hand.   
She glanced at the phone display and Kelley heard her sigh which probably wasn’t a good sign.

"Alright, let’s go we need to find a cab." Alex said, shoving the phone back into her jeans while Kelley looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

"He’s not coming?" Kelley asked clenching her free hand into a fist while Alex slowly shook her head.

"No, he’s down at the beach surfing with a friend. He’ll meet us at our place later." Alex looked almost as pissed as Kelley felt and Kelley was strangely satisfied by that.   
She knew that she shouldn’t feel satisfaction because Alex deserved someone who actually showed up, but the fact that Alex looked so pissed right now told her that they were slowly making steps forward, a few weeks ago Alex probably would’ve been crying about this instead of being mad, maybe she was finally starting to stand up for herself. 

"You know what? Once we get to the apartment and unpack we’ll head down to the beach, I could use a bit of relaxation before the game." Alex stated and Kelley raised her eyebrow.

"What, you don’t want to wait for Dean to show up at your place?" 

Alex shook her head determinedly, squeezing Kelley’s hand so tight that it hurt a little bit, but Kelley didn’t let it show, she understood that Alex was upset and she would provide her with whatever she needed right in this moment.

"Okay, let’s get a cab and then get this vacation started." Kelley said with a small smile, Alex grinning back at her.  
They found a cab rather quickly and just about fifteen minutes later they arrived at Dean’s and Alex’s place.

"Do you have a key or are we supposed to search for an open window?" Kelley joked, carrying both of their suitcases while Alex was looking through her bag. 

"This is my place as well, you know? Of course I have a key. I’m just not sure where I put it." Alex said pouting while Kelley laughed, earning her a glare from the forward. 

"Want me to help you search for the key?" Kelley offered setting the two suitcases down onto the ground. 

"I’m good, it has to be somewhere in here." Alex said before she triumphantly held up the key.

"Got it." She said dangling the key in front of Kelley’s face who laughed before she said "Come on you dork, open the door." 

Alex smiled before she opened the door letting Kelley who was carrying the suitcases once again step inside first, following inside after her. 

"Where are those supposed to go?" Kelley asked looking back at Alex. 

"Second door to the right, do you want something to drink?" 

"I’d like some water. Am I supposed to change right now and we’ll head down to the beach right away or do you want to unpack first?" Kelley asked heaving her suitcase through the door to the bedroom before she turned back and did the same with Alex’s suitcase.

"Just get your bikini, we don’t have to unpack that would be a waste of time, we can unpack once we’re in Malibu since we’re actually staying there for longer than twenty four hours." Alex called out from the kitchen, Kelley opening her suitcase, luckily she put her bikini right on top of her clothes, otherwise she would’ve needed to unpack.

"What am I supposed to wear to the ceremony tomorrow, any ideas on that, it’s not like I packed a super fancy dress for the occasion. Can I just go in streetwear or does that not seem supportive and appropriate enough?" Kelley shouted not realizing that there was no need to shout since Alex had just entered the room with two water bottles in her hand.

"You can borrow one of mine, it’ll look cute on you. Here your water." Alex held out the water bottle towards Kelley who was still processing the fact that Alex had just said that she’d look cute in her clothes.

She knew that it wasn’t flirting, it was probably just a genuine compliment but it still made her heart beat faster than it should’ve been beating.

Kelley took the water bottle from Alex, taking a sip from it before she turned back to her suitcase. 

"Shouldn’t I put that one in the guest room?" She looked at Alex who shook her head quickly.

"No, we’re currently renovating it, your suitcase would probably get dirty considering all the paint buckets."   
Kelley raised her eyebrow, giving Alex a questioning look. 

"Oh, so if the guest room is being renovated, I guess that leaves me with the couch as my best friend for the night?"   
Kelley wasn’t exactly looking forward to sleeping on the couch, it wasn’t exactly great for her back but she could at least hope that Dean and Alex owned a large couch, so maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as she thought it might be. 

However Alex seemed to have other plans, quickly saying "I’m not letting you sleep on the couch, that’s out of the question."

"Well were am I supposed to sleep then? I didn’t exactly book a hotel room because you told me that there would be no need to do that." Kelley asked visibly irritated by Alex’s statement, because there weren’t exactly any other options besides the couch considering that the guest room was off limits as well.

"Dean can sleep on the couch." Alex said casually like it was the most obvious conclusion one could draw from this and Kelley’s eyes widened in surprise because she certainly wouldn’t say yes to that.   
She wasn’t going to sleep in a bed with Alex while her husband slept in the room next to them on the couch, there was just no way in hell that she would let that happen.

"I’m not kicking your husband out of his own bed." Kelley protested loudly, hoping that it would change Alex’s mind but she already knew that it was unlikely to happen.   
They were both stubborn and Kelley probably could’ve won an argument with everyone but Alex.

"Well you’re not, but I am." Alex said with a smile on her face while Kelley shook her head, resolve slowly crumbling like it always did when they disagreed on something. 

"Alex no!" She said once again, judging from the unimpressed gaze that Alex threw her Kelley already knew that it didn’t change anything. 

"He can handle it." Alex said and Kelley noticed the hint of annoyance in her voice, but she didn’t want to sleep next to Alex, especially not while she was under the same roof as her husband, she was sure that Dean wouldn’t be happy about this, he only got Alex for one night and now she was going to take this away from him.

"It’s his bed." Kelley argued, frantically searching for arguments on why Dean should be the one sharing the bed with Alex instead of her. 

"He can have it back when we leave for Malibu tomorrow." Alex shot back, glaring at Kelley which should’ve been a hint that she needed to stop arguing, but Kelley didn’t want to give in, she needed to convince Alex that sharing a bed was a bad idea.

"He’s having a big day tomorrow, you said he’s nominated for an award, right? You know how important rest is for that." Alex scoffed and shook her head.

"He’s going to be up on the stage for like two minutes and judging from his recent success or lack of I wouldn’t even assume that that’s going to be the case, he might not win so he can rest on the couch. Why are you making such a big deal out of this?" 

"Oh I don’t know Al, why are you so hellbent on not having to sleep in the same bed as your husband? I get that you’re pissed about him not being there at the airport, believe me I am as pissed about this as you are, but don’t use me as an excuse to kick him out of your bed, I am taking the couch." Kelley said harsher and a lot louder than she intended and Alex flinched at her words before her gaze hardened.

"This isn’t up for debate, you’re taking the bed. If you so desperately want Dean to sleep in his bed I’ll take the couch."

"Oh yeah, sure thing. So I’m going to sleep in a bed with your husband that makes total sense." Kelley said laughing but stopped when she realized that Alex didn’t laugh, just staring at her stubbornly. 

"Al you can’t be serious. I am not sleeping in a bed with Dean, don’t be ridiculous." Kelley said returning Alex’s stare. 

"Great, it’s you and me then. Glad that we could agree on that." Alex replied before adding "Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna get changed." 

She made her way towards the closet, grabbed a bikini and then left the bedroom, slamming the door behind her forcefully, leaving behind a completely stunned Kelley. 

This wasn’t right, this was the second time in just a few days that they had somewhat of a fight and Kelley didn’t like it one bit. 

Kelley knew that it was both of their personalities that made their arguments this intense, they both were stubborn to a fault and refused to give in, there were bound to be some clashes but usually they shared one opinion. 

However whenever it came to Dean or anything that involved relationships they ended up fighting and the frequency in which those fights came had significantly grown since they were living together and Kelley was wondering how long it would take until one of them would snap. 

There was a soft knock on the door followed by a "Kel, are you changed?" and Kelley closed her eyes at the sound of Alex’s voice, she was able to tell that Alex did feel just as horrible about their pointless argument as Kelley did.

"No I’m not, give me a minute." Kelley called out quickly slipping out of her clothes and changing into her bikini before she opened the bedroom door, coming face to face with Alex. 

"Look, if you really insist on sleeping on the couch…" Alex started but Kelley quickly cut her off.

"It’s alright, if you really want Dean to sleep on the couch I’ll take the bed. I just don’t get why but that’s alright you don’t have to explain." Kelley said reaching for her towel. 

"What if I want to tell you?" Alex asked voice soft as Kelley looked back at her.

"Then go for it, you know that you can always tell me everything." Kelley said finding Alex’s gaze who smiled even though Kelley was pretty sure that she saw a hint of sadness in her eyes. 

"Maybe we could go down to the beach first, find a quiet spot and then talk?" Alex looked nervous and Kelley was starting to worry what this was about, but she would wait until Alex was ready to talk, so she nodded, reaching for Alex’s hand who quickly intertwined their fingers, offering Kelley a small smile.

"I know a pretty secluded place down at the beach, do you want to go there?" Alex asked as they walked down the street, Kelley trying to hold back a laugh.

"Al, you’re the one who knows their way around here, you can take me wherever you want to because I wouldn’t know where to go to in the first place." Alex smiled, gently elbowing Kelley in her side.

"I’m sure you would think of something. Follow along, I promise it’s beautiful there and we won’t be interrupted."   
They picked up walking again, arriving down at the water pretty soon, Alex leading them over to a little bay that was partly hidden from the rest of the beach.

They sat down in the sand putting their feet into the water, Kelley letting herself fall back so that she was looking up at the sky. 

"What are you doing, you’re gonna get sand in your hair." Alex said laughing, Kelley peaking up at her. 

"I don’t care, this is super comfortable and I can wash my hair when we get back." 

Alex smiled down at her before she tugged at Kelley’s arm, earning her a questioning look.

"Sit up?" Alex asked and Kelley promptly complied, sitting up and turning a bit so that she was facing Alex. 

"Dean and I have been fighting a lot lately and it’s just, stuff is complicated right now. So yes, I don’t want to sleep in the same bed as him right now. Yes, I am still pissed about him not getting us at the airport and yes, maybe I am using you as an excuse and I’m really sorry about that, but I know that if I’m sharing this bedroom with him tonight it’s going to end with sex and that won’t solve our problems, so I really, really don’t want that right now."

Kelley looked out at the ocean, she hadn’t expected that, of course she had noticed that things between Alex and Dean weren’t exactly great. Hell, she had held Alex during those nights where they got into fights on the phone that usually ended with Alex crying.   
So Kelley knew that things were anything but peachy between them, but she didn’t think that it was to a degree where Alex would avoid sleeping in one bed with him. 

"Al are things really that bad between you?" Kelley asked noticing how Alex’s shoulders slumped down, tears forming in her eyes before she turned to Kelley, burying her head in Kelley’s shoulder.

"I don’t know anymore Kel, I thought things would get better once I move, but he’s still so pissed about me not going back to Portland and I don’t know what to do." Alex whispered against Kelley’s shoulder who was still processing the fact that Alex was hugging her while they weren’t wearing anything but bikinis and she tried really hard to focus on what Alex was saying, ignoring the feeling of Alex’s skin against her own.

"Are you sure that all of this fighting is worth it?" Kelley whispered feeling Alex tensing up slightly. 

"I love him, Kel." Alex said sounding so sad and desperate that Kelley felt her heart clench in her chest.

She got it, she could never leave Alex either, no matter how much she might’ve wanted to.


	12. he treats you so bad and I’m so good to you (it’s not fair)

It was around eleven, Alex was lying on the couch Kelley half on top of her because there wasn’t enough space for the two of them.  
"Why is your couch so crammed?" Kelley complained trying to move without hitting Alex with her elbow.  
"Dean doesn’t like cuddling, we usually sit on different couches." Alex said absentmindedly looking at the tv.

"Who the hell dislikes cuddling?" Kelley asked shaking her head in disbelief.   
"Don’t ask me, I like cuddling." Alex mumbled before she looked up at the clock, realizing that Dean still wasn’t at home despite the fact that it was already eleven.   
Part of her wanted to pretend that she was surprised about it, but then again she really wasn’t. 

It was the only opportunity that they had to see each other for a while, because during the next few weeks she would be absolutely packed with work and she knew that Dean wasn’t about to fly to Sandy and come watch her play and yet Dean didn’t even bother to show up at his own home.

"Al?" Kelley asked turning so that she was now facing Alex, who returned her gaze.

"What’s going on?" Kelley asked softly and Alex closed her eyes, trying to come up with an excuse because she didn’t want to talk about this again, it would only lead to her crying again and she was sick of feeling this way. 

"The truth, please?" Kelley said pleading and Alex sighed because of course Kelley already knew that she was about to lie to her. 

"I don’t know what to tell you Kel. It’s like I’m running in circles and nothing makes sense anymore. Like what am I even doing here? He knew that I was flying in today and promised me that we’d spend the day together and where is he now? I certainly don’t know."   
Kelley looked at Alex silently, contemplating what she should say since she didn’t want to upset Alex again. 

"Can I ask you something and you’re going to answer honestly?" Kelley asked looking for a sign that she had once again gone too far in Alex’s eyes.

"Why do I get the feeling that I’m not going to like the question?" Alex replied adjusting their positions a little bit so that Kelley wasn’t on top of her anymore, both of them lying on their side now, facing each other. 

"You probably won’t." Kelley replied truthfully and Alex nodded slowly before she said "Ask." 

"Why are you staying with him?" Kelley held eye contact, hoping that she could somehow read the answer from Alex’s gaze.

"He’s my husband I said that I’d be here through good and bad times. I can’t just give up on us because it’s pretty bad right now." Alex said silently, hesitation swinging in her voice which didn’t go unnoticed by Kelley. 

"Okay, if you really want it that way. I won’t say that I understand because I honestly don’t, but that’s your decision." Kelley knew that they had to drop this topic, otherwise she would just get upset over Dean’s treatment of Alex again and then she’d probably say something that would make Alex upset and they’d end up fighting. 

"Can we switch topics to something else?" Alex said in that moment and Kelley smiled back at her. 

"Of course, anything specific you want to talk about? Please don’t say the new season of The Bachelor."   
"Uh excuse me, you love the Bachelor." Alex protested and Kelley laughed.  
"Maybe I do but that doesn’t mean that I constantly want to talk about it." Kelley said pouting while Alex raised her eyebrow.   
"I am not constantly talking about it. I have lots of other interests, you constantly talk about surfing, do you see me complaining about that?" Alex asked jokingly while Kelley rolled her eyes, giving Alex a light shove, forgetting about the fact that the couch wasn’t very spacious.

Alex tumbled down from the couch, screaming as she tried to hold onto Kelley, who promptly followed after her, both hitting the floor. 

"Good job, Worms." Alex said laughing while she rubbed the back of her head while Kelley just smiled sheepishly.  
"Oops, sorry." She said before she fell back against the floor, looking up at the ceiling, Alex doing the same. 

"You know, sometimes I wish I could just run away and leave." Alex said after a few moments of silence, Kelley resisting the urge to turn and look at her.   
"Where would you run to?" Kelley asked silently hearing a chuckle from Alex.  
"I don’t know where would you want to go?" This time Kelley couldn’t help but turn to look at Alex.

"Wait you’d take me with you?" Blue eyes are looking back at her and Kelley doesn’t know what exactly it is, maybe it’s a bit of curiosity or maybe it’s something else she can’t tell which is a bit unsettling because usually she can read Alex quite well.

"Of course you’re my best friend. There’s no one else I’d rather run away with." She knows that Alex means it, there’s sincerity in her gaze and Kelley doesn’t has to ask about Dean, she knows that if it ever came to a place where Alex would run away she would choose her over Dean and she doesn’t know what to do with that information.   
Did it mean anything, why would Alex chose to run away with her while simultaneously choosing to stay with Dean when it came to her love life?   
Was it truly platonic to choose your best friend over your husband? Were they still platonic or had they crossed that line a long time ago? Kelley surely did, but what about Alex? 

"Hey don’t space out on me." Alex said in that moment laughing at Kelley who quickly pushed the thoughts into the back of her mind.

"Sorry, I was just thinking about it, where I’d want to go I mean…" Alex smiled softly before she turned onto her back, staring back up at the ceiling.   
"It would have to be somewhere no one would come looking for us." Alex said as Kelley looked at her, wondering if Alex was joking or seriously considering running away.  
"Maybe if we put all of our money together we could buy a little private island?" Kelley asked jokingly, Alex chuckling before she looked back at her.  
"While that is an excellent idea it’s not exactly low-key. Maybe some really small town somewhere in Europe? Or we could go to Paris or what do you think about Italy?" Kelley laughed shaking her head slowly.   
"You’re really putting a lot of thoughts into this, I enjoy the enthusiasm. Maybe we should just go from country to country and see if something sticks." Kelley said falling onto her back as well, joining Alex in staring up at the ceiling.

Alex sighed closing her eyes for a couple of seconds before reopening them. 

"If only things were this easy."

"Hmm maybe we could do it after the Olympics or the next World Cup, retirement would look good on us." Kelley said, Alex shuddering at the thought of retirement. 

"What, you want to go for longer than that?" Kelley asked now looking at Alex again in curiosity. 

"I don’t know, I already feel like my body is giving up on me, I don’t know for how much longer I could do it but if I could I would gladly do it forever…" Kelley smiled reaching out with her hand to push back some hair that had fallen into Alex’s face. 

"I sometimes get scared that my ankles won’t hold until then, what if something happens and I have to stop playing, Al? I don’t know what else to do with my life. You have Dean, you could start a family if you wanted to in case something happens, but what do I have?" 

Alex’s gaze turned serious as she grabbed Kelley’s shoulder firmly. 

"Look at me, please?" She requested, Kelley obeying. Alex immediately noticed the tears in her eyes and quickly pulled her into a hug. 

"Come on, we always get back on track, besides you are way too stubborn to give up on your career and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. Whatever the future may bring, we’ll face it together, deal?" Alex pulled back from the hug holding out her pinky, Kelley shaking her head a smile crossing over her face as she connected her own pinky with Alex’s determinedly confirming their promise with a "Deal."

"I’m not sure if I want a family with Dean." Alex suddenly said, catching Kelley completely off guard.

"I thought that was what you always wanted?" She asked hoping that she wouldn’t give Alex the impression that she was disapproving of her statement.

"Yeah and I thought that this was what I wanted but I am not so sure anymore. I mean, look at us our marriage is a mess, I couldn’t possibly drag a child into this. Even if we stop playing anytime soon, I don’t know if that would magically fix all of our problems and if we’re being honest Dean will probably keep on acting for as long as he can which means he’s likely to go around the country since things don’t always look good here, he’s already talking about this project that’s filming god knows where in Europe and I couldn’t handle constantly moving around with a child. I love Dean and I want a family with him, but I just don’t know if we could pull it off." Alex looked thoughtful and Kelley gave her a minute to come to terms with her own thoughts before she started to talk again.

"Would things be different if you weren’t with Dean?" 

Alex looked at her surprised like she hadn’t even thought about the possibility before she quickly shook her head.  
"What does it matter, I am with Dean and that’s not going to change. I’m not discussing a hypothetical family with someone who isn’t my husband." Kelley almost reminded her that less than fifteen minutes ago Alex had been considering the possibility of running away with her, she hadn’t been thinking about Dean back then. 

"Okay, sorry I didn’t mean to upset you." Kelley said quickly and Alex smiled softly.

"You didn’t we’re just in a weird place right now. Dean wants to start a family and I understand it, I get that he wants kids as soon as possible but I just can’t do it right now." Kelley raised her eyebrow at the comment, she wasn’t aware that they had been talking about this, it wasn’t exactly surprising, however Dean's stand on this she hadn’t been expecting. 

"He’s not trying to pressure you into starting a family right now, is he?" Kelley asked trying not to sound too angry, she wasn’t sure if it was working though because she felt rage cursing through her, that had to be typically for Dean he only thought about his own needs and completely disregarded what Alex wanted. 

"I wouldn’t call it pressuring, he just very strongly implied that he wants to start a family very soon… multiple times." Alex said chewing on her lip as Kelley shook her head.

"So to summarize he is never there when you need him, despite that wants to start a family, completely disregarding the fact that you have a job and maybe plans of your own and…" Kelley stopped when she felt Alex’s hand lightly pushing against her shoulder. 

"Stop it Kel, please. I know that he isn’t perfect but I love him." Alex looked at Kelley and Kelley could see the desperation in her eyes, Alex was holding onto something that wasn’t good for her and there was not a single thing Kelley could do about it. 

"So what you’re saying is that it’s okay to feel miserable as long as it makes someone you love happy? Are you sure that that’s the way love is supposed to be?" Kelley asked waiting for Alex to return her gaze but the forward decided to stare up at the ceiling instead. 

"What do you want me to say, Kel? Yes, maybe sometimes love means that you have to sacrifice some stuff." 

"Does that include your happiness? Because I don’t think it should." Kelley knew that she was being stubborn but this was important to her, Alex deserved to be happy and if Alex wasn’t fighting for her own happiness Kelley would have to do it for her. 

"I think we should head to bed, I doubt that Dean is coming home tonight." Alex said abruptly pushing herself up and heading towards the bedroom, Kelley sighing because of course Alex would find a way to dodge the subject.

Kelley stayed on the floor for a few more minutes until she decided to go and join Alex in the bedroom.

Alex was already in bed but not asleep yet, Kelley quickly changing into an oversized shirt and shorts before she slipped under the covers, turning to look at Alex. 

"Are you crying?" Kelley asked silently while Alex vehemently shook her head wiping away a few tears.   
"Al…" Kelley said immediately feeling bad about what she had said.   
She didn’t want Alex to torture herself like that, always feeling at fault for something that she clearly had no control over. 

"I don’t want to lose him." Alex whispered sobbing and Kelley nodded her head, like she understood it even though she couldn’t figure out how Dean deserved any of the love that Alex felt for him. 

"Come here, I know I’m not him but I’ll still offer you very good cuddles." Kelley held her breath as Alex slung her arms around her waist, moving impossibly closer until she was cuddled flush against Kelley’s body who tried to breathe evenly which was a bit hard at first but eventually she relaxed holding Alex who fell asleep rather quickly, Kelley drifting off into sleep soon afterwards.


	13. how can i live without love (how can i be what you want?)

Kelley was thrown out of bed the next morning, landing hard on the floor.  
"What the hell?" She cursed loudly staring up at Dean who looked back at her stunned.

"Oh shit, it’s you." Dean said wide eyed. 

"Dean?" Alex voice came groggily from the bed while Kelley rubbed the back of her head that had hit the floor. 

"Of course it’s me, what the hell did you think?" Kelley asked glaring at Dean who stood next to her still staring at her before his gaze flicked over to where Alex had sat up on the bed, irritated glancing between her husband and Kelley. 

"I thought… I…" Dean stammered like he didn’t know what to say, Kelley noticing that Alex was frowning at him. 

"Kelley could you give us a moment?" She asked looking at Kelley pleadingly who quickly got up, nodding her head because no way did she want to be part of whatever conversation was about to happen at least not judging from the unhappy look on Alex’s face.  
She hadn’t even closed the door yet when she heard Alex’s voice loudly.

"You thought what, Dean?" She sounded mad and Kelley couldn’t blame her, her head was still hurting from the fall that she took. 

"What was I supposed to think, Alex? I just saw a second body in our bed, I couldn’t possibly know that it’s just Kelley." Dean was shouting loud enough that Kelley could still hear it in the hallway and she wondered where she had to go in order not to eavesdrop involuntarily.

Alex was staring at Dean like he had completely lost his mind.   
"You knew that Kelley was coming here with me, why would you come to the conclusion that it was anyone but her?" 

"Well I don’t know what you’re doing or should I say who you’re doing while you’re in Salt Lake City." Dean shouted so loud that Alex flinched before she felt angry tears rushing into her eyes.

"Wow thanks a lot, you know just because you’re not even bothering to show up when your wife comes to visit you that doesn’t mean that I am searching comfort with someone else or that I’d bring them into our bedroom. Speaking of not knowing what I am doing in Salt Lake City, I don’t exactly know what you’re doing here either but I am not jumping to conclusions despite the fact that you clearly didn’t sleep here last night, so really which one of us should be suspicious here?" Alex left the bed, wrapping herself into her blanket.

"How could you ever accuse me of cheating on you?" Dean shouted taking a step towards Alex angrily who sidestepped staring at her husband in disbelief. 

"Didn’t you just do the same thing? You threw Kelley out of the bed, she could’ve seriously gotten hurt!"

"She’s lucky that she’s just Kelley otherwise I would’ve hurt her." Dean shouted back before he angrily punched the wall. 

"I think at this point it’s a bad idea to go to your award ceremony today, I should go. Give me a few days before you try to call." Alex said shaking her head tears still running down over her face. 

"Alex come on don’t be mad I already got you three VIP tickets for the after party." Dean said leaning against the wall looking at Alex who shook her head. 

"Do you really think that I’m going to that ceremony today? You just accused me of cheating, you almost hurt Kelley because you don’t have yourself under control. I haven’t seen you in two months and the first thing you do after getting here, over twelve hours too late I might add, is throwing my best friend out of the bed and shouting at me. Tell me one good reason not to leave right now." Alex sat back down on the bed, hugging the blanket close to her chest avoiding to look at Dean who was now pacing through the room.

"I am sorry, okay? I might’ve overreacted a little bit. I just miss you so much, babe and I still don’t get why you would choose to live in Salt Lake City over Portland. You were so hellbent on going there and didn’t listen to any reason so I thought that you might have someone waiting back there for you. I just wish that you were living here with me, I hate not having you around." Dean said sitting down next to Alex even though he kept a bit of space between them which was something that Alex truly appreciated in that moment.

"I can’t live here and you know it. They don’t have a L.A. team and yes that sucks, but I really am happy in SLC playing with the Royals is greater than I could’ve imagined and I don’t get why you can’t be happy for me." 

"You’re my wife and I barely get to see you. Don’t you think it’s time to slowly get settled down, start that family that we’ve always wanted?" Dean asked and Alex scooted further away from him.

"We’ve just been fighting, again and you really want to tell me that now is the right moment to negotiate about starting a family? You know that I can’t have a kid right now, the Olympics are coming up and I want to go for another World Cup, afterwards we can discuss the whole settling down thing." Alex tried to stay calm, she really did but Dean was really testing her patience.

"What if I don’t want to wait for another four to five years?" Dean asked and the hint of annoyance in his voice didn’t go unnoticed.

"Then I guess you should look for someone else to start a family with, we talked about this, you knew that I was going to play for as long as I could and frankly I don’t think that we’re in a place to start a family right now." 

"Are you being serious right now? We’re not getting any younger Alex, don’t be unreasonable. Just think about it, retirement right now wouldn’t be so bad and imagine a little girl or boy running around the house." Dean said reaching for Alex’s hand who pulled it away.

"I just turned thirty, I still have a few years to go, don’t act like you would just stop acting now and retire." Alex said angrily while Dean shrugged.

"I don’t have to in order to start a family. I mean we could try to work out a plan so that you could take one year off between Olympics and the next World Cup and we could squeeze in a pregnancy there if you want that."   
Alex shook her head in disbelief, standing up and turning to leave.

"This is no business deal that you can negotiate, Dean. This is a child we’re talking about here and I am not letting you pressure me into something that I don’t want right now." 

"Why are you so easily pissed off today? I’m just trying to have a normal conversation about our future with you." Dean said raising his voice slightly clearly bothered by the conversation or rather argument that they were having. 

"You know what? I am not so sure if we even have a future at this point." Alex’s eyes widened as she realized what she had just said, Dean was suddenly deadly silent just staring back at her. 

"Is that what you’re thinking? Do you want us to be done, Alex?" His voice was calm and Alex felt her head spinning because she didn’t know what she wanted anymore. 

Ever since college she had envisioned her life with Dean and now she just wasn’t sure anymore. Sure she loved him, but maybe Kelley was right, maybe this wasn’t worth it. Maybe she needed her happiness more than she needed Dean, but was she really willing to end something that had been so important to her for the longest time? 

"I don’t know, Dean. I love you but I can’t keep going like this. You keep talking about starting a family and I just can’t do it right now." She said defeatedly as Dean just stared ahead.

"Fine then no family right now, you keep going for the next years and I’ll have your back but I won’t wait forever Alex. I always wanted a family and I want to have it with you." Dean said gazing at her intensely and Alex slowly nodded, because that was what she wanted, right? She just needed some more time, then things would start to fall into place again, wouldn’t they? 

"Alright, I’ll see you after the award ceremony." Dean said standing up from the bed.

"Wait where are you going?" Alex asked confused and Dean raised his eyebrow.

"Getting ready for the show obviously, I have to be there early since I want to look good on the red carpet, you know we might have something to celebrate tonight." 

"But you just got here." Alex said even though she knew that it was a lost cause, if Dead wanted to go he would go and she kind of got it, she knew how important it was for him to look good and make an impression on the red carpet.

"I have an appointment with a stylist in like fifteen minutes, I really have to go now." Dean repeated what he had basically said already and this time Alex just nodded and sighed. 

"I’ll see you later." Dean said kissing Alex’s cheek before he was through the door and out, leaving Alex standing on her own in the bedroom. 

There was a gentle knock on the bedroom door and a few seconds later Kelley stepped inside.   
"Did Dean just leave?" She asked sitting down on the bed next to Alex who nodded slowly. 

"He didn’t do anything to you, did he? Your argument sounded pretty heated, I swear if he hurt you I’m going to k…" Kelley stopped when Alex leaned against her shoulder, closing her eyes. 

"He did nothing, it just got a bit loud and intense. We’ll keep trying but I don’t know how this is supposed to work out, Kel."  
Kelley nodded silently while she wondered about what Dean ever did to deserve being loved by Alex. 

She wondered how she could ever be someone that Alex would want and what Alex saw in her husband that was so extra ordinary that it apparently made up him constantly screwing things up but she came up with no explanations or reasons for either of those things.   
A part of her wondered if things would stay like that forever, her being in love with Alex, Alex not knowing and being hopelessly in love with someone who didn’t deserve her love at all.   
Maybe that was just how things were supposed to be, Alex loving Dean who didn’t treat her right while Kelley was right there, loving Alex and always wanting what was best for her. 

She wanted to pretend that Alex’s friendship was enough of a reward because it kind of was worth all the pain that came with being in love with someone who couldn’t return her feelings, but the more time they spent together the more Kelley realized that it really wasn’t enough.   
Kelley felt herself wanting more, craving and longing for something that Alex clearly couldn’t give her but that didn’t erase what she was feeling. 

"What if I can’t be the person that he needs?" Alex suddenly whispered and Kelley did understand that question because she had been asking herself that question for ten years.

"Then you’re not the right person for him and it isn’t your fault. You’re perfect the way you are and if he can’t see that, it’s his loss. Sometimes things just don’t work out." Sometimes things don’t work out and sometimes they didn’t even get the chance to try and work out, Kelley thought while she looked at Alex.

"I want it to work out, I need things to work out this is my marriage we’re talking about here, Kelley. I want to be the person that Dean needs but I don’t know if I can be." Another feeling that was familiar for Kelley, she had always wanted to be the person that Alex needed and while she had reached that goal on a friendship level a long time ago, somehow it still wasn’t enough when it came to romantic feelings and she’s wondered so often if she did something the wrong way, if things could’ve been different had she made different choices.

She had always been there for Alex when Dean wasn’t, she would’ve given the world to Alex if given the opportunity but somehow Alex was still in love with Dean and Kelley didn’t get it because what else could she possibly do for Alex to realize that she had been there right in front of her within reach this entire time? 

"That’s just life, Al. Sometimes the right person turns out to be the wrong person after all."

"What if he’s the right person for me and I’m just not the right person for him?" Alex asked voice breaking and Kelley closed her eyes, yet another question that could be applied to her situation and she wonders if Alex feels the same numbing feeling of heartache about Dean as Kelley does about Alex.

The thought breaks her heart, Kelley knows that Alex has always thought that Dean was the one for her just like Kelley knew right from the beginning that Alex is the one for her and the thought that they were both doomed to be in love with someone who wasn’t able to love them back in the way they wanted them to made Kelley’s stomach turn.

"Kelley?" Alex whispered making Kelley look at her, realizing that she still didn’t answer her best friend’s question. 

"I don’t know Alex, I honestly don’t…" Kelley replied and it was true, she wished she knew because maybe it would’ve helped her to get over the woman who was standing in front of her, blissfully unaware of her feelings.


	14. dark jeans and your Nike’s look at you (oh damn never seen that color blue)

"I look ridiculous. Want to remind me of why exactly I am wearing that dress?" Kelley looked at herself in the mirror, tugging at the very short dress before she glared at Alex who was chuckling.

"To support Dean at this very fancy award show." Alex said while Kelley groaned.

"He’s your husband why do I have to be supportive of him? You’re not even wearing your dress yet." She looked at Alex throwing her an accusing look, making Alex laugh. 

"Because you are my best friend and I am going to change into it right now, just give me one minute." Alex said grabbing a bunch of clothes before she headed for the bathroom, leaving Kelley on her own, still skeptically looking at the dress.

"I know I asked you if you wanted me to wear this but do I really have to?" Kelley called out.

"If you love me, yes." Alex replied from the bathroom and Kelley’s heart missed a few beats. 

Kelley was so caught up in her own mind that she didn’t hear Alex opening the bathroom door again, stepping into the room.   
She almost jumped when she heard Alex’s voice again.   
"Do I look okay?" She turned around and looked at Alex, breath catching in her throat at the sight. 

Of course Alex looked incredible, it wasn’t what Kelley had expected though. She was wearing a white blazer that she combined with a dark blue jeans and a brand new pair of Nike sneakers and Kelley blinked several times until she noticed that Alex looked really uncertain and that she still hadn’t answered her question. 

"Of course you do, I like the dark blue of the jeans look it makes your eyes shine even more than they usually do." Kelley said unable to tear her gaze away from Alex’s eyes.

"You think so, I shouldn’t switch into the lighter version?" Alex looked at herself in the mirror with the same kind of skepticism that Kelley had written all over her face earlier, just that this time Kelley thought that it was totally unreasonable because Alex looked gorgeous.

"No you shouldn’t. Look at me for a second, will you?" Kelley asked stepping behind Alex who spun around, almost bumping their heads together, coming eye to eye with Kelley who momentarily got lost in Alex’s blue eyes.   
Alex was looking back at her expectantly waiting for Kelley to say something but Kelley had kind of forgotten what she had originally wanted to say and she wasn’t sure if her improvising skills would work in her favor. 

"Your eyes look really blue paired with those jeans." Kelley said, mentally slapping herself for coming up with such a lame sentence but Alex started giggling and Kelley could’ve sworn that she was blushing a little bit when she jokingly gave Kelley’s shoulder a shove who stumbled backwards since she hadn’t been prepared for Alex’s reaction.

"You’re such a sweet talker sometimes." Alex said shaking her head laughing while Kelley shrugged her shoulders.

"If it helps, besides I’m just speaking the truth, the dark colors go well with your eyes it makes them shine even brighter." Kelley knew that she should tear her gaze away from Alex’s eyes but for some reason it was even harder than usual.

"You really do have a thing for blue eyes, huh?" Alex said jokingly not even noticing how Kelley’s face turned bright red as she laughed nervously, saying "Yeah, I guess I do. What I still don’t get is why I am wearing a dress and you’re literally dressed in jeans, like I know that the blazer is all fancy and probably cost a fortune but… jeans?" She raised her eyebrow while Alex laughed. 

"You’re just wearing that dress because I knew you’d look stunning in it and I could always change into other pants that are a bit more fancy." Alex said turning to the mirror once again looking herself up and down thoughtfully while Kelley was still trying to process the fact that Alex had called her stunning. 

"On second thought I really like those jeans, don’t bother to change." She said and Alex smiled at her before she nodded her head.

"I’m gonna call us a cab to get to the hall where the ceremony is, I’m not really in the mood to drive there on our own since we still have to drive down to Malibu today." Alex said grabbing her phone from the nightstand while Kelley raised her eyebrow. 

"Alex, it’s like a one hour drive from here to Malibu." Kelley said and Alex groaned.

"Yes I know, horrible, isn’t it?" 

Kelley laughed and shook her head before she said "You know, I could drive. Would that help with your sentiment towards what you apparently call long drives?"   
Alex smiled at her brightly, Kelley didn’t have to ask any more questions, she would be the one to drive down to Malibu and if it meant making Alex happy she would gladly do it, she would’ve decided to drive even if it were an eight hour drive, it really didn’t matter for how long they would be on the road as long as Alex would be there with her.

"For the record, one hour is long. Who knows maybe there is traffic on the highway, maybe we’re going to be stuck there for three or more hours, do you really want to spend three hours on the highway?" 

Kelley raised her eyebrow of course she wasn’t a fan of traffic but it wasn’t that bad, she could handle being in a car for longer than twenty minutes but apparently that didn’t seem to be the case with Alex. 

"How exactly would you survive a road trip?" Kelley asked amused while Alex suddenly started to smile. 

"Oh that’s completely different." She said and Kelley laughed before she asked "and why exactly is that different?" 

"It’s uhhh… I don’t know you go from one place to the next and you have cool music and snacks and stuff, I guess…" Alex said shrugging her shoulders while Kelley raised her eyebrow. 

"You know we can turn on the radio or connect your phone and we can buy some snacks, right? Just say the word and you’ll get whatever you need for our little road trip." Kelley said and immediately noticed how Alex’s eyes lightened up. 

"You’d let me play my music in the car?" Alex asked sounding surprised while Kelley was just irritated. 

"Yes, why wouldn’t I? You have a banger taste in music it would be crazy to pass on that." Kelley said laughing while Alex suddenly seemed to be deep in her thoughts.

"Dean always says that if he has to listen to Taylor Swift one more time, he’s going to let me walk the rest of the way." Kelley noticed how sad Alex looked and of course Dean didn’t like to listen to Taylor Swift, it probably hurt his ego or something or maybe he felt threatened by her, Kelley didn’t want rule out that possibility.

"Then he doesn’t have taste when it comes to music." Kelley said shrugging her shoulders while Alex laughed. 

"I guess he doesn’t, he’s not the music type at all." Of course he wasn’t, why would he be into something that could be fun, uplifting and entertaining, Kelley thought but she bit back on the comment because she didn’t want to upset Alex. 

"His loss then, we’re going to sit in the car, eat all the snacks while shamelessly jamming out to Taylor Swift. Speaking of, does Taylor know that your husband doesn’t like her?" Kelley asked trying not to laugh.

"I didn’t say that he doesn’t like Taylor, he just doesn’t like her music for some reason that I most likely will never understand." Alex walked over towards the bedroom door walking into the hallway, Kelley following after her. 

"Does that mean that I get to be your plus one to every single Taylor Swift concert you’re going to attend from now on?" Kelley asked smirking almost bumping into Alex who abruptly stood still and turned around. 

"Of course, you’d be my plus one to that even if Dean liked her." Alex said like it was the most obvious thing in the world as Kelley just stood there staring at her. 

"You’d still take me to the concert over him?" She asked completely stunned.

"Obviously, concerts are meant to be fun, right? So why would I take my husband along to one?" Alex asked a confused look on her face while Kelley raised her eyebrow. 

"Uhm I don’t know, it might be a cute idea for a date?" Kelley said while she thought that she would very much like the idea of going on a concert date, the only problem was that the only person she wanted to have that date with was Alex. 

"I mean I guess it would be a cute idea for a date, but we don’t do dates anymore so that kinda rules it out." Alex put down one of her Nike shoes and reached for white high heels while Kelley stared at her. 

"What do you mean you don’t do dates anymore?" She asked trying not to sound too shocked.

"I mean, we didn’t really go out on many dates before we got married, but it kind of completely stopped after. Dean isn’t really the type for romantic gestures, he enjoys hanging out with his colleagues or going surfing, playing basketball or doing whatever. Romance isn’t exactly his strongest suit." Alex said it as if it was the most normal thing in the world and Kelley wanted to scream because this wasn’t right, Alex deserved to get some romance and to be taken out on dates and it made Kelley angry that she didn’t get to have that because Dean didn’t want to. 

"Would you want to go on dates or is that something you both agreed not to do?" Kelley asked careful not to say anything wrong.   
Alex looked at her like she had never even considered the thought before and was thinking about it for the first time right in that moment. 

"I don’t know, I guess one now and then would be kind of nice, but we don’t really have the time for that. It’s already hard enough to find the time to fly over and get him in his free time, don’t get me started on set visits, I don’t think that we could manage to actually plan any dates." Alex sounded sad so Kelley said the first thing that she could think of. 

"You know, we could go on dates, we certainly have enough time." 

Alex looked at her surprised and Kelley quickly added a "What, friendship dates are a thing that exists." 

"You’d really do that for me?" Alex asked and Kelley almost said that she would do pretty much anything for Alex, but instead she just nodded.

"You’re really going for that best friend of the year award, aren’t you?" Alex asked laughing before she pulled Kelley into a hug. 

"Hey maybe I just want to see you happy." Kelley replied in a joking matter even though she was dead serious. 

Making Alex happy was and had always been one of her top priorities, if not her top priority. Kelley knew from the moment they met that Alex was going to be someone special in her life she just didn’t know to what extent back then. And now here they were ten years later and it might’ve taken Kelley some time to realize what she was feeling, it certainly took a long time for her to accept it but the one thing that had always been clear to her through all these years was that she would move the earth if it meant that Alex would be happy. It certainly was easier now that they were living together, because there was only so much she could do over the phone back when Alex still lived in Orlando.

"Earth to Kelley." Alex said ripping Kelley away from her thoughts as she noticed her best friend’s hand in front of her face. 

"Where were you with your mind? I said our cab is here, we have to go otherwise we are going to be late." Alex said reaching for Kelley’s hand who let her herself be dragged outside and into the cab. 

"I really appreciate a good award ceremony but I am so tired, do you think it would be bad if I fell asleep during the speeches?" Kelley asked once they were settled in the cab, Alex started laughing at her question. 

"Well you probably don’t want to be caught on camera sleeping at an award show, but I could protect you from the cameras." Alex said a soft smile playing on her lips as Kelley put her head onto her shoulder. 

"You’d really do that for me?" Kelley asked not moving her head away from Alex who put her arm around Kelley. 

"Of course, you need the rest if you’re going to be the one who’s going to drive us down to Malibu later today." 

"I could probably drive down there in my sleep." Kelley said yawning and Alex laughed. 

"I’d rather have you awake though so if you want to rest just tell me, I’m sure we can do something about it." Alex said smiling at Kelley who just nodded feeling her eyes falling shut slowly. 

"Or you could sleep while we’re here." Alex said with a smile but Kelley didn’t get to hear it since she was already asleep


	15. I drive, chasing Malibu nights

Dean didn’t win the award that he was nominated for and neither did his film that had been nominated as well so it was no surprise that he was in a horrible mood making it super uncomfortable to be in the car when they drove back home to their place.

If Kelley was being honest she wanted to be anywhere but in the backseat of the car and Alex seemed kind of uncomfortable as well, constantly shifting around on her seat next to Kelley. 

"Stuff like that happens Dean, it wasn’t your fault. Sometimes it’s just bad luck." Alex tried to say.

"Easy for you to say, Utah hasn’t lost a game in forever and you probably won every award that you’ve ever been nominated for." Dean said angrily and Alex rolled her eyes muttering "Geez, I just wanted to make you feel better." before she turned to look out through the car window.

"It’s not like it matters, you could probably lose every single game and people would still worship the grounds you walk on, doesn’t matter what you do cause you can do no wrong, right?" Dean said bitterly and Kelley saw how Alex’s lips quivered and immediately balled her hands into fists. 

She knew just how much criticism Alex had to endure constantly and she also knew that it got to her sometimes even though Alex tried to overplay and conceal it, some of the comments did leave scars and it was completely unfair of Dean to act like that wasn’t the case. 

"Hey, take that back." Kelley said trying to control the anger in her voice, Dean raised his eyebrow as he looked at her through the rearview mirror.

"Kelley no offense but this is none of your business." He said calmly but Kelley noticed the anger in his voice he clearly didn’t like that she was standing up for Alex but that wasn’t going to stop her. 

"Kel, it’s alright." Alex said placing her hand on Kelley’s knee who slightly relaxed at the touch but she was still angry at Dean and she wouldn’t let him talk to Alex like this. 

"No it isn’t, you’ve worked so hard these last few months and it’s paying off. It’s absolutely unjustified to act like you’re getting everything thrown your way." Kelley put her hand over Alex’s giving it a light squeeze while Alex just looked at her.

"Just because she works for it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t get things thrown her way. It’s not like she’s constantly training." Dean said raising his voice slightly and Kelley felt the anger boiling inside of her. 

"It’s not like you can judge how much she trains since you’re never there." She shot back and saw how Dean’s features turned even angrier but she honestly couldn’t have cared less, this was about Alex, Alex who had worked so hard and whose husband was behaving like a total asshole just because he didn’t win this dumb award that he had apparently wanted so much.

"Kel come on, that’s enough." Alex said voice pleading and Kelley noticed the tears in her eyes, so she just sighed and shrugged her shoulders, she didn’t want to make this any harder for Alex so she just glared at Dean who returned the look with an icy glance from him, obviously even more pissed than he previously was. 

Luckily for them they arrived back at Dean’s and Alex’s place a few minutes later, tension was still running high and the only reason that Kelley didn’t snap at Dean again was Alex’s hand on her knee, somehow managing to calm her down. 

Dean angrily stormed inside the house leaving Alex and Kelley on their own. 

"You know that you didn’t have to defend me, right?" Alex asked voice a bit shaky when Kelley looked back at her. 

"Someone had to do it, if you don’t stand up for yourself I’m going to do it." Kelley said offering Alex her hand who took it hesitantly. 

"He usually isn’t like that, he’s just in a bad mood because he lost which means that job offerings probably won’t be as generous as he hoped they’d be." She tried to explain but Kelley knew that this wasn’t the first time and certainly not the last time that Dean behaved like that and even him being mad didn’t justify what he had said.

"Am I supposed to believe that? Come on Al, are you trying to convince me or yourself?" Alex sighed there was no need to give Kelley an answer because she already knew.

"Let’s just pack our stuff into the car and get going, I really need to be anywhere but here right now." She said sounding tired and Kelley quickly nodded if Alex wanted to get away then she would gladly follow it wasn’t like she wanted to spend any more time than necessary with Dean.

"Alright, I’ll get the suitcases while you go and grab the snacks." Kelley said and Alex raised her eyebrow. Kelley knew that she was about to protest.

"Can’t I carry the suitcases for once? Please?" Alex looked at her pleadingly and Kelley just gave in slowly nodding her head.  
"Fine, you’re getting the suitcases while I look for the snacks."   
Alex looked at her completely stunned, she surely didn’t expect Kelley to give in, especially not this easily.

"What are you waiting for?" Kelley asked amused, immediately catching on to the fact that Alex didn’t expect her to say that she was alright with Alex carrying the suitcases. 

"Alright, alright I’m going." Alex said laughing opening the front door for the two of them before she walked towards the bedroom while Kelley went into the kitchen to get them all the snacks that they needed.

Kelley had already grabbed the sandwiches that they had prepared before they left for the ceremony when she heard Dean’s voice. 

"You’re really going to leave right now?" He sounded upset and his voice was loud. 

"I told you that we were going to leave after the award ceremony." She heard Alex’s voice, significantly quieter but still loud enough that she could hear it.  
Kelley continued to pack food into a bag while she kept listening to the argument.

"We didn’t even have the opportunity to spend time together, can’t you stay for longer?" Dean asked still sounding angry. Kelley closed the bag and left the kitchen, which left her standing in the hallway. 

"No I can’t, we could’ve spent time together yesterday but you didn’t have time then, did you?" Alex sounded angry and Kelley felt like she should’ve stopped listening in to the conversation.  
She was about to head outside again when she heard Dean’s voice angrily shouting at Alex. 

"I meant spending time with you Alex, not spending time with you and Kelley, why did you even bring her along? You knew that this was our only chance to spend some time together during the next few weeks, but no you had to bring your best friend along like we needed some third wheel."

"Maybe I already suspected that you wouldn’t bother to be there, because you never are lately. Why don’t you come visit us in Salt Lake for once, would it be different if I were playing in Portland? And yes, I brought Kelley along she is my best friend and contrary to you she is actually there for me when I need her, so maybe I’d rather spend time with her than with you." The last words were shouted and Kelley flinched at the sound, as much as she enjoyed Alex telling Dean off, she knew how upset she had to be to get this loud.   
Alex usually was calm and collected during fights, it wasn’t like her to shout that only happened when she was either really hurt or really mad, right now it sounded like the latter. 

"Excuse me that I take my job seriously, I can’t just fly halfway across the states because you want me to attend a game!"

"Oh but I can do the same for you, be there to hold your hand on whatever movie set you’re currently at? Are you saying that I am not taking my job seriously? Besides that Utah isn’t halfway across the states, that excuse died when I moved from Orlando to Salt Lake City just so I could be closer to you and what do you do? Tell me that you still can’t make it. So tell me Dean, would it be different if I had went to Portland?" Kelley leaned against the hallway wall, waiting for Dean’s response, having noticed that Alex sounded way calmer and more collected again.

"I don’t know, maybe. I still don’t get why you would choose the Royals over the Thorns. We were happy back then when you played in Portland and you could play with Tobin again, why did you decide against that?" Now Dean was sounding tired which was unlike him and Kelley wondered why he was so bothered that Alex had picked Utah over Oregon, it was not like it was that much of a difference distance wise.

"I wanted to be with Kelley, that’s why I chose the Royals. Can you really blame me for wanting to spend time with my best friend? Of course Portland was tempting, I loved playing with the Thorns but they don’t have Kelley." Kelley’s heart missed a few beats. Alex had told her that she was one of the reasons why she chose to come play with the Royals but she somehow failed to mention that she basically was the only reason.

"Are you kidding me right now? You made your decision because you wanted to be with Kelley?" Dean shouted, it was evident that he was angry and Kelley made the decision to do something quickly. 

She opened the kitchen door again and shut it loudly before she called out for Alex.   
"Al, I’m ready do you have the suitcases?" 

The bedroom door opened a few seconds later, Alex appearing with the two suitcases. She threw Kelley a thankful look and Kelley wondered if she knew that she was listening the whole time.

"Ready to go." Alex said as she dragged the suitcases after her, Dean shouting after her "Alex, come on don’t leave now!"

"You can call when you’ve calmed down again." She said turning back to look at Dean who didn’t look too happy but he didn’t say anything else letting them leave in silence. 

Kelley went directly for the driver’s seat while Alex packed their suitcases into the trunk before she sat down next to Kelley, reaching for a bag of veggie chips before she connected her phone with the car, putting the music on shuffle. 

"You heard what I said, didn’t you?" Alex asked after they spent a while driving in silence. 

"I did." Kelley replied staring at the street ahead not sure what else to say as she headed for the highway.

Alex was nervously fidgeting with her fingers occasionally glancing at Kelley while she waited for Kelley to say something.   
When Kelley remained silent Alex said "I meant it."   
Kelley finally looked at her for a few seconds before her gaze returned towards the road ahead. 

"You never mentioned that I was the reason why you decided on the Royals." Kelley kept her gaze fixed on the road, she was almost afraid to look at Alex because she wasn’t sure what she would see in her eyes.

Kelley waited for Alex to say something, she knew that she wanted to she probably just needed some time to think about her next words. 

"You didn’t seem too happy when I told you that I was transferring and I know how you feel about making decisions based on emotion. I just…" Alex stopped and looked at Kelley who returned her gaze. 

"Al that’s not what I meant. Of course you can make your decisions based on emotions I just wanted it to be your decision and you sounded like you were just doing it for Dean." Kelley returned her focus to the street while Alex bit her lower lip.

"It’s not just that. Like, yes I did it because I thought it would help fix my marriage but I wasn’t really happy in Orlando. I didn’t do it just because of Dean, I also did it for me. To be honest I am really, really happy about my decision. I love playing with you guys and I know that you had your doubts because the trade from Portland to Orlando wasn’t what I expected it to be, but this time it’s different." 

Kelley felt Alex’s gaze on her and she wondered what Alex was thinking because Kelley’s thoughts were all over the place ever since Alex had told her that she made her decision because she wanted to be with Kelley. 

"I’m happy that you’re happy, that’s all that matters." Kelley said leaving the highway.

"Uh where do we have to go now?" She asked turning to look at Alex who was frowning at the map in her hands. 

"I think you need to go left." She then said, Kelley quickly taking a left turn when she heard Alex groan. 

"I take it that we didn’t have to take a left turn?" Kelley asked while Alex shook her head staring down at the map. 

"Hey it’s okay it was just one wrong turn, we can get back to the road we’re supposed to be on." Kelley said her hand finding Alex’s without even looking, giving it a reassuring squeeze. 

"I should’ve taken a closer look at the map, I’m sorry." Alex said looking down at their hands. 

"You don’t have to apologize, you have no idea how often I get lost while driving. Look there’s a gas station, we’ll stop there and then take a look at the map." Kelley said before she steered the car towards the gas station. 

"We’re going to be late because of me." Alex said when the car came to a stop, Kelley raising her eyebrow at her best friend. 

"We can’t be late because we don’t have a schedule, relax for a second, will you?" Kelley placed both of her hands on Alex’s shoulders, immediately noticing how tense she was. 

"What’s going on with you? Are you still upset because of your fight with Dean earlier?"  
Alex looked at her before she slowly nodded while Kelley just sighed and pulled her into a hug. 

She wanted to tell Alex that everything was going to be fine but she wasn’t sure if that would be the case.   
She wanted things to be fine, hell, she even wished that Dean would be a better guy just for Alex’s sake but at this point she doubted that he would change and while Kelley wanted to be the person that Alex needed, she wasn’t sure for how much longer she would be able to do it.

She didn’t intend to ever leave her side, that was out of the question for her but she knew that she could only deal with a certain degree of heartbreak before it would get too much and eventually she would slip up. It was questionable if Alex would want her in her life afterwards and the thought scared Kelley more than anything else because she couldn’t imagine a life where they would no longer be friends. 

"You know what? I’m sick of feeling sorry about fighting with Dean all the time, for the following week we’re not going to talk about him at all, deal?" Alex suddenly said smiling widely and Kelley wondered how her mood had switched so quickly, but if it meant that she didn’t have to hear Dean name for a whole week she was absolutely on board.   
"Deal. Now let’s take a look at that map because I am starving and want to get to that beach house as fast as possible."


	16. I’ve got a hundred thrown out speeches  I almost said to you

"Wow that surely is something." Kelley said gaping at the beach house in front of them while Alex stood next to her smiling.   
"You like it? It even has a little private pool, I thought you’d enjoy that." She said putting her arm over Kelley’s shoulder who was still gaping at the house.   
"It looks like the rent costs a fortune." She said while Alex chuckled.  
"Well it certainly isn’t cheap. I thought of actually buying it you know. We could spend our free time here, we’d never have to go on vacation to somewhere else ever again." Alex looked deep in thought while Kelley’s heart missed a couple beats because she was pretty sure that Alex had said the little word we several times.

"Would that be something you’re interested in?" Alex suddenly asked turning to look at Kelley and now she knew that she hadn’t dreamed the we part, Alex was really asking her about buying a beach house together.

"I… uh… yeah but don’t believe for a second that you’re the only one who’s going to pay for that thing." Alex laughed while Kelley pushed the questions that she had wide into the back of her mind. 

She wanted to know why Alex would rather buy a beach house than spending her rare free time with Dean, but that question was off the table right now, they hadn’t make that no Dean talk rule without a reason and Kelley wasn’t about to break it. 

"Alright, you’re allowed to pay half of the prize, but maybe we should take a look inside first, not that we regret our decision." 

Kelley couldn’t argue with that so they headed inside, Kelley knew from the moment that they entered the hallway that they weren’t going to change their mind about this. 

The living room was huge, it even had a fireplace even though that seemed to be largely for aesthetic purpose and Kelley could’ve sworn that she had never seen a flat screen this huge, Alex teasing her about all the amount of Netflix that they could watch in the evening.   
They quickly moved through the house, inspecting the kitchen before they went upstairs where the bathroom with the very large bathtub was located until they finally stopped in front of the bedroom. 

"Uhm Al, does this house have a second bedroom?" Kelley asked irritated when she noticed that it was the only door that was left. 

"It doesn’t." Alex said nonchalantly and Kelley raised her eyebrow. 

"You want us to buy a house that only has one bedroom?" Kelley asked and could’ve sworn that Alex was blushing a bit. 

"I thought it wouldn’t be a problem. We sleep on the couch so often and it’s not like we haven’t slept in the same bed before, is that a problem for you?" Alex bit her lower lip and Kelley desperately tried to come up with anything to say.

This was going to be fine, Alex was right they fell asleep on their couch often and it wasn’t like she wasn’t able to control herself, but there was a difference between choosing to share a bed sometimes and just owning one bed that they had to share.  
Sure she could live with it, it wasn’t like she minded sharing a bed with Alex but sometimes she needed to be in her own bed just to think about everything that was happening and if they were to choose to buy this house she would lose that opportunity.   
On the other hand they wouldn’t be there too often and there was always the couch and she liked the idea of owning a house with Alex even though she knew that it was most likely to be temporary, there was no way that Alex would want to keep it once her and Dean got into family planning. 

"Kelley?" Alex ripped her out of her thoughts, reminding her that she had yet to answer. 

"No, no it’s no problem." Kelley said and she noticed that Alex didn’t look totally convinced but she didn’t ask any further questions, just smiling at Kelley. 

"I think we should start unpacking and then head down to the beach or do you want to check out something else first?" Kelley asked.

"Beach sounds fine to me, but I’m not ready to surf yet. We can start with that tomorrow." Alex replied and Kelley just shrugged her shoulders.  
She was fine with that she would’ve taken surfing over swimming at any time but if Alex didn’t want to she could wait.   
She had already planned out what they could do the next day and it would start with a morning run on the beach, Alex would probably hate her for it but Kelley wasn’t going to let their training routine slide just because they were on vacation.

"Are you coming?" Alex asked and Kelley looked up, only now noticing that Alex had already returned downstairs and was waiting for her at the front door. 

"Coming." Kelley said quickly rushing downstairs, almost tripping over the last couple of stairs.

"Careful there, wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself." Alex said holding her hand out for Kelley to grab who took it with a grin. 

"Wasn’t planning on getting injured, I promise." Kelley said and Alex chuckled. 

"You better not, like I would totally take care of you but we need our star defender on the field." Alex said and Kelley laughed. 

"Star defender, huh? I don’t think I am." Alex raised her eyebrow frowning a bit at Kelley’s words.

"Well I do think that you are. Oh by the way I was thinking that I’d cook us dinner tonight." Alex said as they walked outside and Kelley immediately stopped. 

"Alex you can’t cook." She said and Alex glared at her. 

"I know that I am not exactly the best cook in the world but I can manage. I packed some vegetables and rice and there’s this recipe that has like a mediterranean vibe to it, you’re gonna love it." Judging from her past experiences with Alex’s cooking skills Kelley kind of doubted it but Alex looked so genuinely happy that she didn’t have it in her heart to stop her and maybe it wasn’t going to be as bad as she thought, maybe Alex could cook something decent for them.

"Just for the record, you’re not going to turn me into someone with a vegan lifestyle." Kelley said and Alex laughed loudly before she opened the trunk of the car. 

"God no, you would probably be grumpy all the time because you’d miss meat so much, we can’t have that." 

"I feel like there was some kind of hidden insult in there somewhere but it’s also the truth so I guess we just have to agree that I’m not going vegan anytime soon." Kelley said while she lifted Alex’s suitcase out of the trunk, followed by her own. 

Alex took her suitcase and reached for Kelley’s but Kelley was faster, their hands bumping together.

"You weren’t going to carry that, were you?" Kelley asked a smirk on her face while Alex just rolled her eyes but Kelley saw that she was trying to hold back a smile.

"If I told you that I wasn’t, would you believe me?" Alex asked and Kelley just laughed before she lifted her suitcase up. 

"No I wouldn’t because we both know that you were trying to carry both of them which is admirable but let’s be realistic you’d have to carry both of them upstairs and I don’t see that happening." Kelley said and Alex looked at her almost offended.

"Excuse me, are you implying that you would be able to do it?" She asked staring at Kelley challengingly who started grinning promptly. 

"Sure thing." She said confidently and Alex raised her eyebrow.

"Care to prove it?" It clearly was a challenge and Kelley knew that Alex was probably joking but she had never been someone who backed out of a good challenge and seemingly Alex realized that in the same moment because her eyes widened and she shook her head vehemently. 

"No Kel, absolutely not this is madness, we’re not doing that." She said obviously not liking the idea but Kelley was already dead set on it and nothing was going to change her mind not even Alex’s pleading look. 

"Nope, you wanted this, we’re so doing it. Race upstairs with the suitcases it is." Kelley said and Alex groaned. 

"That’s just ridiculous and you know it, what do you want to do when the first person is upstairs, throw the suitcases down again so that the other person can do the exact same thing again?" Theoretically Kelley knew that Alex was right, it would be a dumb competition but she wasn’t the one who had spoken it into existence and she wasn’t about to back down from it now.   
Alex shook her head once again but she knew that Kelley would insist on doing it, they both knew it.

"Do you want to go first or should I start?" Kelley asked and Alex sighed before she shrugged her shoulders.

"I don’t know, guess I’ll go first. Just for the record, if I break my neck I’m going to kill you." 

"If you’d get hurt because of me I’d gladly do the job myself." Kelley said without thinking about it and Alex threw her a strange look but then started to walk away while Kelley hoped that she wouldn’t read too much into her statement. 

"Kelley get in here, I want to get this done." Alex shouted from inside the house and Kelley quickly shook herself out of her thoughts and raced after Alex, dragging her suitcase behind her until she came to a stand next to Alex who was skeptically studying the stairs. 

"Are you sure that it’s possible to carry two suitcases up there at the same time?" She asked and turned to Kelley who shrugged her shoulders, she was sure that they could somehow manage to make it work. 

"Alright, give it to me." Alex said taking a deep breath before she held out her hand for Kelley’s suitcase. 

"This is a dumb idea, you know that?" She asked grabbing the handles of both suitcases.

"Are you still going to do it?" Kelley asked and Alex slowly nodded her head. 

"Of course and I’m going to beat your ass. Ready to take the time?" Kelley shook her head laughing, she didn’t plan on letting Alex win but she would let her try. 

"Ready if you are." Kelley replied opening an app on her phone to stop Alex’s time.

Alex raced upstairs with impressive speed and Kelley wasn’t sure if she would be able to top her time because it did look difficult to direct the suitcases upstairs at the same time, but the triumphal look on Alex’s face as she arrived on the top of stairs made Kelley feel like a loss wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

"It’s your turn. You still think you can beat that?" Alex asked smugly as she walked back downstairs with the suitcases, handing both of them to Kelley who rolled her eyes with a small smile on her lips. 

Kelley effortlessly lifted the two suitcases up as Alex took her phone, ready to stop the time.

She thought that it would be easier and she already knew that she would lose when she was halfway up the stairs, the sound that Alex made when she reached the last stair only confirmed what Kelley already knew, she had been slower.

"Great now that that’s settled we can finally move on and promise that we’re never going to do something like that ever again and start unpacking." Alex said happily as Kelley heard her coming up the stairs, taking her own suitcase from Kelley again. 

"So what do you want?" Kelley asked walking behind Alex who turned back with a raised eyebrow. 

"You won so you get to choose your prize." Kelley said and Alex started smiling which was either a good sign or an extremely bad one. 

"We switch the time for our morning run from six to seven." Alex said Kelley’s eyes widening at the request. 

"For one day, otherwise absolutely not." She said and Alex nodded her head. 

"Sounds good to me. Okay we really need to start unpacking now because I am starving and the sooner we finish the sooner we can get to work." Alex said opening the bedroom door, letting both of them in.

They didn’t take too long to empty both of their suitcases and sort everything into the closet and before they knew it they were downstairs in the kitchen, Alex was cooking the rice while Kelley had taken on the task of cutting the vegetables.   
She was about to cut a carrot into tiny pieces when she suddenly felt Alex’s body pressed against her own from behind and Kelley almost cut into her finger.

"You looked like you could need some help." Alex said into her ear, breath tickling against Kelley’s neck and Kelley thought that yes, she was in desperate need for help but not the kind that Alex was thinking about.   
She almost said something, like she had almost said something so many times before but then Alex’s hand was on her hand slowly taking charge of how Kelley had to cut the carrots and Kelley bit back on her words.

She couldn’t tell Alex how she felt there would never be a right time for that to happen and Kelley knew it.  
It did break her heart that she had to keep this from Alex, there were so many opportunities that she didn’t take, so many little chances where she could’ve told her but got too scared of what it would mean for them.

"Kelley are you okay? Your shoulders are super tensed up." Alex said in that moment and since Kelley wasn’t really able to move due to Alex being so incredibly close to her she just nodded her head slowly, trying to think of something to say.   
All that came to her mind was the truth, that she loved Alex but she couldn’t say that. 

There were almost as many different things that she wanted to tell Alex as there were wasted opportunities to do it and it was absolutely driving her crazy because all that Kelley wanted to do was turn around and kiss her but she knew that she couldn’t and that it would always be like that. 

"I think you got it." Alex said stepping back and Kelley immediately missed the feeling of Alex’s body against her own and she absolutely hated it.

Alex meanwhile just went back to work on their dinner while Kelley struggled to keep her feelings in check, she could’ve said something, sure, but it would’ve screwed them over badly and was she really willing to risk that? They were on vacation after all and telling Alex would surely ruin that for the both of them.

"Kelley!" Kelley flinched at the sound, looking up at Alex irritated who looked worried.   
"What’s up with you, I called you like four times. Dinner is ready." 

"Oh, do you want me to put plates onto the table?" Kelley asked and now Alex looked even more worried at her.

"I already put them onto the table, I told you that like three minutes ago, where are you with your mind?" Alex stepped closer and Kelley almost took a step back at the movement but then she realized that it would be weird so instead she almost stumbled into Alex’s arms who raised her eyebrow.

"Kel?" She asked and Kelley quickly mumbled "I’m fine." 

Alex clearly didn’t believe her but she didn’t ask anymore questions instead motioning with her head towards the living room.  
"Want to watch tv while we eat?" 

"Sure, why not." Kelley replied mind still elsewhere.

She heard the sigh coming from Alex and was sure that she was going to say something but instead she just moved to the living room, already sitting on the couch when Kelley finally followed after her with her own plate in hand. 

"Do you want to choose something or is it my turn?" Alex asked grabbing the remote for the tv while Kelley turned to look at her. 

"Uh.. you pick out something." She said when Alex’s eyes met hers.

For a second she thought that Alex could see it in her gaze, that she would figure out how she felt, it wasn’t like Kelley was doing a very good job of hiding it and maybe she didn’t want to anymore. Maybe there was a part of her that wanted Alex to figure it out, wanted her to realize how she felt. Hell, if things were any different she would’ve gladly screamed it at the top of her lungs but things weren’t different and she was stuck with her feelings for her best friend who was married. Unhappily married, but still married and to a guy that she loved despite his shitty behavior which only made it so much worse for Kelley.   
Alex didn’t figure it out though so Kelley was still left hanging, wanting to say something so desperately yet still unable to do it.

She couldn’t focus on the film that Alex had picked out, if anyone were to ask her what it was that they watched she couldn’t have answered because she didn’t pay attention at all.   
Alex was cuddled against her, laughing now and then so it was probably a comedy but Kelley was way too busy looking at Alex who feel asleep towards the end of the movie. 

Kelley just sighed and turned the tv off before she tried to make herself comfortable which was easier said than done since Alex was lying half on top of her and she didn’t want to wake her up. 

Somehow she managed to move them into a somewhat comfortable position and since she didn’t have the chance to get a blanket for them she just wrapped her arms around Alex tightly, hoping that it would keep her warm.


	17. if I’m just somebody that you’re gonna leave (and you don’t feel something when you look at me)

"Hey, wake up sleepy head. It’s time for our morning run." Kelley said cheerfully, holding a mug filled with coffee under Alex’s nose who groaned quietly. 

"We said seven." She mumbled and Kelley laughed. 

"It’s quarter after seven, I already gave you fifteen minutes, now get up." Kelley said grabbing hold of the blanket that she had thrown over Alex when she got up two hours ago, giving it a short tug so that it fell from the couch, Alex groaning. 

"Give it back." She said turning around on the couch, peeking at Kelley who held out the coffee mug for Alex to see. 

"I even prepared coffee for you, now get up." Alex mumbled something that Kelley couldn’t understand but then pushed herself up from the couch and held out her hand. 

"Give it to me." Alex pleaded and Kelley smiled before she stepped closer again, handing Alex the coffee mug who immediately started smiling like she hadn’t been all grumpy a few seconds earlier. 

"I’m gonna go get changed, you better be ready to go when I get back. I already planned out a route, you’re going to love it." Kelley said cheerfully while Alex raised her eyebrow, mumbling "I highly doubt that, but I’ll give it a try."  
"Now that’s what I wanted to hear." Kelley shouted already halfway up the stairs.

She was excited the route that she had planned out would go down the beach, she didn’t have too many chances to do morning runs at the beach after all and she liked the idea of getting to do it for the rest of the week.  
She knew that deep down Alex liked the idea as well, she just didn’t want to show it because it would’ve meant that she had to admit that she was getting quite used to their joined morning runs. 

"Kelley, can you please bring my running clothes, I don’t want to walk upstairs." Alex called out and Kelley chuckled.   
If it had been anyone else asking she probably would’ve made them walk upstairs, but she couldn’t deny Alex her wish so she just shouted "Yeah sure." 

Kelley opened the door to their bedroom and walked over to the closet, picking out her running clothes and then Alex’s before she started to get changed. 

She then grabbed Alex’s clothes and jogged downstairs where Alex was lying down on the couch, staring up at the ceiling.  
Kelley threw Alex’s clothes at her, the forward yelping in surprise before she glared at Kelley. 

"What was that for?" She asked and Kelley was quick to reply "You were supposed to get up, not to lie back down. How are you so lazy?" 

Alex sat up glaring at Kelley before she stood up to get dressed.

"I am not lazy, you just get up at inhumanly times. We’re supposed to be on vacation." Alex slipped off her shirt from the previous day and changed it against the Nike top.

"I still don’t get how you managed to gain us that vacation but we have a game next week, we need to stay in shape." Kelley said waiting impatiently for Alex to get ready.

"Can’t we stay in shape later when I’m actually awake?" Alex asked and Kelley laughed. 

"You already had your coffee, don’t act all tired you’re not getting out of this now." 

"I hate you." Alex said jokingly before she playfully shoved Kelley’s shoulder who was frowning. 

"You don’t mean that, do you?" Kelley asked looking down at the floor while Alex looked back at her in disbelief. 

"What? No, of course not. I could never hate you, look at me." Kelley met Alex’s gaze waiting for the forward to continue talking. 

"Tell me that you know that I could never hate you." Alex said patiently while Kelley tried to ignore the feeling deep down in her stomach. 

In theory she knew that Alex was right, that she wouldn’t hate her but there was that little part of her that was deadly afraid that Alex might hate her for keeping her feelings hidden from her, for taking advantage of some situations that might not have happened the way they did if Alex had known that she was in love with her. It felt like there’s a voice inside her head that tells her that Alex is going to run from her as soon as she finds out and as much as Kelley tried to ignore it, she just can’t shake the feeling that it’s inevitably going to happen someday and the thought makes her sick but what is she supposed to do about it?

"Kelley?" Alex was still looking at her and Kelley felt like the words where stuck in the back of her throat, she couldn’t get them out even when Alex’s look grew more and more worried with every passing second. 

"We should really start with our morning run before it gets too hot." Kelley finally managed to say something before she basically raced towards the front door, Alex calling after her to stop, but Kelley ignored it, she couldn’t tell Alex what she wanted to hear, she wouldn’t flat out lie to her even though maybe she had been doing the very same thing for the last ten years. 

"Hey, are you going to tell me what’s going on?" Alex asked coming to a stop next to Kelley who shrugged her shoulders. 

"I told you that we need to go going, I don’t want to run when it’s too hot." Alex looked at her skeptically, Kelley was absolutely certain that she knew that she was lying, but she didn’t say anything, instead just shrugging her shoulders before she mumbled "Fine, lead the way." 

Kelley nodded determined to leave this conversation behind her, if they ran fast enough Alex wouldn’t be able to keep it going.   
Kelley started off really fast, hoping that she would gain some advantage, but to her surprise Alex was able to keep up with her effortlessly even though there was a mildly irritated look written all over her face. 

Kelley tried to go faster but Alex somehow matched her pace and maybe all their morning runs had payed off despite the fact that Alex loved to complain about them at every given chance. 

For a second Kelley wished that Alex weren’t able to keep up with her, that she could just run away from everything because she knew that their conversation was far from over.

Maybe she could drag this out for a bit longer than necessary, maybe she could manage to head straight down to the beach with her surfboard after their run, but she couldn’t avoid the conversation forever and judging from the faint smile on Alex’s lips she knew it as well. 

"Told you that training would pay off." Kelley said with a smile when they stopped for a few stretching exercises, while Alex just shrugged her shoulders.

"I never claimed that it wouldn’t, I’m just not a fan of morning runs." She said flopping down into the sand, making Kelley roll her eyes at the forward.

"You should do some stretching exercises." Kelley said before she took a sip from her water bottle.

"And you should answer my question." Alex shot back before she looked at Kelley patiently who sighed. 

"Alright, I’m not leaving until you say that you know that I could never hate you." Alex said stubbornly staring back at Kelley who wanted to laugh at how ridiculous this was, but the gaze that Alex was throwing her made her stop.

"I know…" Kelley said before she hesitated.

Alex raised her eyebrow like she was asking for her to continue and Kelley wanted to, but something inside of her was stopping her from saying it.

"Kelley what is this about?" Alex asked reaching for her hand, Kelley closing her eyes at the touch.

"I don’t know, I just think that sometimes stuff happens and you can’t guarantee that you’re never going to hate me. I know it’s ridiculous because I know that in theory you’re right, but still…" Kelley finished weakly meeting Alex’s gaze. 

"Okay, I get that. So can you tell me that you think that under normal circumstances I could never hate you?" Kelley chuckled giving Alex’s hand a gentle squeeze.

"This is really important to you, isn’t it?" Kelley asked and Alex nodded slowly.

"Fine, I know that under normal circumstances you could never hate me." Kelley said with a soft smile noticing how Alex’s eyes lightened up at her words and before she knew it she was pulled into a hug that was so tight that Kelley struggled to breathe.

"Thank you." Alex whispered while Kelley just nodded silently, hand on Alex’s back holding her close. 

"Want to do a little race?" Alex suddenly asked and Kelley pulled back from their hug in surprise. 

"You want to do a race? You know that you’re going to lose, right?" Alex raised her eyebrow at the remark and suddenly Kelley didn’t feel too sure about herself winning anymore, because Alex had been getting better through the last few weeks and she seemingly had no troubles keeping up with Kelley anymore and maybe this wasn’t as much of a safe bet as she had thought.

"We won’t know unless we find out." Alex said holding out her hand a mischievous smirk on her lips and Kelley silently cursed herself for being such a sucker for that smirk.   
She took Alex’s hand and slowly nodded, she was determined to win this race, she wouldn’t let Alex win.

"Where to?" Kelley asked and Alex motioned forward.

"See that lifeguard tower over there?" Kelley squinted her eyes, nodding when she spotted the tower in the distance. 

"Is that alright with you?" Alex asked and Kelley grinned before she said "I’m game." 

Alex nodded her face taking on a focused look, Kelley doing the same. 

"You’re giving the signal." Alex said and Kelley nodded before she counted down from three, both of them taking off at the same time. 

Kelley had a very small lead for most of their race until Alex suddenly got even faster, somehow managing to reach the lifeguard tower a split second before Kelley, both of them breathing heavily, a victorious grin spread all over Alex’s face as she turned to look at Kelley. 

"What was that about me not winning?" The grin on Alex’s face was smug and Kelley kind of wanted to kiss it away, but she knew that she couldn’t so she just rolled her eyes but she was unable to hide the smile that was crossing over her face.

"Admit that you’re impressed." Alex said raising her eyebrow while Kelley laughed.

"Is that what gets you going? Just a little encouragement?" Alex smirked before she took a few steps forward coming dangerously close to Kelley.

"Sometimes encouragement is all you need, don’t you think?" Alex asked voice raspy, eyes twinkling as Kelley just nodded speechlessly, Alex grinning before she spun around and picked up her water bottle, taking a sip from it while Kelley was still staring at her. 

If she didn’t know any better she would’ve guessed that Alex was flirting, which wasn’t necessarily something new or a completely foreign feeling but usually it wasn’t sexually charged and much more light and maybe she was just imagining things or hoping for something that wasn’t there. 

"What do you say, head back and go for a surfing session? I could use some refreshment." Alex asked a hopeful look on her face and Kelley just couldn’t say no. 

Originally she had planned to go even further down the beach with their morning run but this once she could make an exception and just head back the way they came from, surfing sounded very tempting after all. 

"As long as you don’t want to race back." Kelley said and Alex started laughing before she shook her head. 

"Nope, I’m good in that department. I’ll live from my success for the next few months." 

"Just because you beat me once doesn’t mean that you can rest easily now, you do know that, right?" Kelley asked amused while Alex shoved her playfully before she mumbled "Let me have this for a bit, will you?" 

"I’m just saying that we shouldn’t abandon our training now just because it paid off."

"Oh so you agree that it paid off?" Alex asked smiling widely and Kelley wondered if she really meant that question. 

"Of course I do, how couldn’t I? You know what, I think we both deserve a little break, let’s just walk back, then we’ll take a quick shower and afterwards we can head down to the beach." Kelley wasn’t sure how it was possible for Alex to smile even more but somehow she did and her eyes looked incredibly blue in the sunlight.

"Does it sound crazy when I say that I can’t wait to get back onto a surfboard?" Alex asked silently and Kelley raised her eyebrow at the comment. 

"You’re asking me if it sounds crazy to be happy about getting to surf again?" She asked laughing lightly but stopped when she noticed that Alex didn’t laugh.

"No it doesn’t sound crazy, not at all. Why are you asking?" Kelley added and Alex looked down shoving some sand away with her shoe while she bit down onto her lip. 

"It’s just… you’re actually good at surfing so of course you miss it, but I’m not."

"No, I’m going to stop you right there. First of all, it doesn’t matter if you’re good at something, you can still enjoy and miss it even though you don’t excel at it. Secondly and I believe that I already told you that, you’re nowhere near as bad as you make yourself sound. So for once stop worrying about having to be your best and just try to genuinely enjoy something you look forward to, okay?" 

This time Alex was the one who remained speechless staring back at Kelley like that would help her come up with an answer.

"Come on this isn’t you. I need you back in vacation modus I know how much pressure you’re under constantly but I need you to forget about that for a little while. It’s not healthy to worry this much about screwing up please just try to enjoy this vacation while it lasts." Kelley continued until she noticed that Alex was tearing up. 

"It’s just a lot…" Alex whispered and Kelley slowly nodded her head.

"I know, it’s alright." She said offering Alex’s her hand who held onto it almost desperately.

"What if I screw up and scare everyone away?" She asked so quietly that Kelley almost didn’t hear it.

"You won’t scare me away, never." Kelley said and she meant it, there was nothing that Alex could ever do to make her leave her side. As long as Alex would have her, Kelley would be there.

"You really mean that?" Alex asked voice a bit wobbly and Kelley nodded her head. 

"Of course I do, I love you." Alex rested her head against Kelley’s shoulder before she replied. 

"Yeah, I love you too."


	18. wish I could get a little undrunk so I could un-love you

"Do you really think that we should go to a beach party? There are bound to be a ton of drunken teenagers and wannabe adults. We could always go for Netflix and Chill instead, it’s only our second night here." Kelley said setting her surfboard down onto the ground while she looked back at Alex which turned out to be a grave mistake cause those damn baby blue eyes were looking at her pleadingly and Kelley already knew that she had lost. 

"Come on Worms, it’s gonna be fun. We already had Netflix and Pizza yesterday, today’s the night to let loose."

Kelley wasn’t too sure if that was a good idea, drunk Alex was wild and she wasn’t sure if she could handle it on her own. 

"What does someone even wear to a beach party?" She asked grumpily while Alex made a fist, triumphantly raising it to the sky, Kelley shaking her head at her. 

"You could either wear a beach dress or you go for the casual Surfer look, whatever floats your boat or should I say board?" Alex asked grinning at Kelley who started laughing. 

"Are you drunk already?" She asked while Alex glared at her, pointing her surfboard at Kelley accusingly. 

"Even if I were what would be so wrong about it? We’re on vacation after all, but no, I am not."   
They reached the beach house, Kelley fishing for the keys to the door before she unlocked it, letting Alex step inside with her surfboard first before she followed after her. 

"All I’m saying is that those beach parties are for teenagers and desperate people who want to look for a quick hook up or for as much alcohol as possible. Do you really think that’s a good place to be at?" Alex turned back to look at her a frown on her face. 

"Kel what’s going on with you, you’re usually never one to turn down a chance to party." She wasn’t wrong about it but usually they had friends who accompanied them which made it a lot easier to keep herself under control around Alex, with no one else around to keep her in check, Kelley wasn’t sure what would happen. 

"What can I say, maybe I’ve grown older and wiser." She said pouting when Alex bursted out laughing. 

"Sorry, but you were drunkenly twerking on top of a bar counter like last weekend." Alex said tears in her eyes from laughing so hard. 

"Do I have to remind you that you were up there with me, don’t act like you’re any better." Kelley replied while Alex chuckled. 

"Never said that I was. Do you mind if I shower first?"   
Kelley kind of did mind because Alex tended to either shower ice cold and then forgot to turn it warm again or she used up all the hot water but of course Kelley wasn’t going to say that so she nodded her head instead, Alex smiling back at her which was absolutely worth the thought of her body being hit by ice cold water later. 

"I’ll go look for something to wear meanwhile." Kelley said, Alex nodding a bit too enthusiastically, clearly she was ready to party and Kelley already got a headache thinking about how this was going to turn out. 

Kelley took the surfboard from Alex who headed upstairs to the bathroom while Kelley brought the surfboards into the living room before she headed upstairs as well, opening the door to their bedroom. 

She walked over to the closet, rummaging through it quickly.   
She wasn’t in the mood for a dress, she would leave that to Alex so surf shorts and a shirt it was. 

Kelley grabbed a simple white t-shirt and blue/white shorts before she headed back towards the bathroom. 

"Al, how much more time do you need?" She called out, getting a "Be out in a minute." in return. 

Kelley leaned against the wall next to the bathroom, waiting for Alex to get finished and to her surprise Alex actually walked out of the bathroom a minute later. 

"Why do you look so surprised?" Alex asked raising her eyebrow at Kelley who shrugged her shoulders. 

"I don’t know I didn’t think that it would actually be just one minute." She then said and Alex laughed, lightly slapping her shoulder. 

"I tend to hold my promises, now get in there and get ready, I want to go and party." Kelley just sighed before she walked into the bathroom, it was going to be a long night, she could already tell. 

The shower she took was quick, she didn’t want Alex to wait too long after all and as she had expected the water was colder than she would’ve liked making it just that much easier to get out quicker. 

She got dressed and then headed for their bedroom where Alex was sitting on the bed, looking up when Kelley walked in. 

"Did you get styling tips from Tobin?" She asked amused and Kelley rolled her eyes. 

"Don’t be an ass, you were the one who said that surf shorts were a good look for beach parties."   
Alex laughed standing up, Kelley taking in the sight in front of her.

Alex was wearing a very short white beach dress that made her look like an angel and Kelley knew that she would have to cut back on the alcohol if she wanted to stay in control of her feelings.

"Oh I wasn’t trying to imply that they don’t look good." Alex said quickly a smirk on her face and Kelley just knew that her face took on the color of a tomato but Alex didn’t seem to mind or she didn’t notice.

"So do we just go down to the beach and look if we can find a party or how does that work?" Kelley asked as soon as they stepped out of the house, Alex laughing lightly. 

"Have you never been to a beach party? There’s a beach resort not too far from here, they regularly have parties and since it’s Saturday we’re lucky."

Kelley was pretty sure that she was anything but lucky but she couldn’t say that because then Alex would ask for reasons and she wouldn’t be able to provide her with such, at least not without revealing that she was afraid that being drunk with Alex would make her do something seriously stupid. 

"Where are you with your mind, I swear you’ve been spacing out so much lately." Alex said in that moment and Kelley quickly turned her head to look at her best friend who had a worried expression on her face. 

"I’m alright, promise." Kelley said quickly and Alex nodded her head but the look that she was throwing Kelley told her that she didn’t quite believe her. 

"So how far away is that beach resort?" Kelley asked trying to change the topic and luckily Alex went along with it. 

"I think it’s like a ten minute walk, so we should be fine." Kelley nodded her head, ten minutes didn’t sound too bad, they could probably make it back to their beach house even if they were bound to be a bit drunk later on. 

"Alright what direction do we have to go?" Kelley asked and Alex pointed towards their right. 

"You really did your research, huh?" Kelley said jokingly while they walked and when she looked at Alex she could see a smile crossing over the froward’s face. 

"Of course I did, if you need a restaurant recommendation or want to go shopping or go to a surf shop, I’m your girl." Kelley laughed wrapping her arm around Alex’s waist. 

"You really have to plan everything through and through, don’t you?" She asked still smiling while Alex shrugged her shoulders. 

"I just like to be informed, I guess. That being said, I haven’t made any plans for our vacation yet so if you have any ideas, just go for it." 

"Anything that involves surfing and swimming will be fine with me." Kelley said with a grin and Alex shook her head. 

"That’s all you want to do, for the whole week?" Alex asked a disbelieving look plastered all over her face and Kelley started laughing. 

"I was joking, not that I wouldn’t be alright with it. I’m sure we’ll figure something out. Let’s focus on the party for now though."

"Are you scared that you’re going to be so hungover tomorrow that you can’t do anything?" Alex asked laughing earning herself a poke into the side from Kelley. 

"Maybe I am just scared that you’re going to be too hungover. I fully intend on going on our six a.m. morning run." 

Alex’s eyes widened at her remark before she said "You can’t be serious." 

"You know that I am, I would never joke about running." Kelley replied and Alex groaned before she said "But can’t you go on your own just this once?" 

Kelley chuckled, she had already anticipated that request and she honestly didn’t expect Alex to come along. 

"Sure thing don’t worry. I might get lost though since I don’t know my way around here." Kelley said and Alex smiled. 

"Oh do you hear the music? I think we’re almost there." Alex jumped excitedly, Kelley’s arm sliding from her waist at the motion.

It only took them two more minutes until they got to the party, Alex headed straight for the bar while Kelley took in her surroundings first.

As she had expected there were a lot of young people and a lot of drunk people, she didn’t appreciate either of those things.

The music was pretty okay though and then suddenly Alex was back by her side, handing her a red colored drink that Kelley took hesitantly.

"What’s in there?" She asked carefully taking a sip from the beverage. It tasted good but there had to be tons of alcohol in it and Kelley knew that she wasn’t going to get a second one of that sort. 

"Don’t know, just told the barkeeper to mix something that tasted good." Alex said sipping on her own drink. 

"Want to dance?" She asked motioning over to a dance floor that was already crowded but Kelley still nodded her head, because if they weren’t going to dance Alex would want to drink and that would be worse than having to deal with a crowd of sweating people. 

Kelley didn’t know why but Alex appeared to be tipsy already, she didn’t want to know what kind of alcohol or how much she had in her drink because it had to be a lot. 

Dancing with a tipsy Alex certainly was an experience, personal space seemed to be a word that didn’t exist in her vocabulary at the moment and Kelley was seriously struggling to handle the situation because every single time Alex had her hands on her they started wandering after a while and as much as Kelley liked it, her head kept screaming at her that this was wrong, because Alex was married and tipsy and she should’ve pulled away but she couldn’t. 

After a while Alex wanted to get another drink, Kelley didn’t like it but at least it would give her some time to cool down so she tagged along as Alex went to the bar and ordered a cocktail before she looked at Kelley.

"Want one?" She asked, Kelley quickly shaking her head, at least one of them had to stay somewhat sober and it clearly wasn’t going to be Alex. 

They sat down at the bar for a while and watched the people dance and mingle, the amount of cocktails that Alex was consuming rising dangerously.   
Suddenly Alex jumped up, Kelley looking at her irritated. 

"Oh my god Kelley, they’re playing spin the bottle! Let’s fucking go!" Alex shouted excitedly pointing her finger to a little group of people that were sitting in the sand, Kelley shaking her head disapprovingly. 

"Alex, I really don’t want to make out with any strangers." She said already anticipating the pout that was going to come from Alex’s side. 

Her expectations were met, Alex did a pretty good job at it and Kelley knew immediately that they’d end up playing anyways. 

"Come on, who knows maybe you’re going to meet the love of your life." Alex said winking at her and Kelley’s heart ached a bit because she was pretty sure that she had already found the love of her life but she couldn’t tell that to Alex. 

"Pretty sure that it’s called love at first sight and not love at first kiss, but whatever." Kelley said trying to sound annoyed but Alex was already pretty buzzed so she didn’t notice, just happily jumping up and down before she grabbed Kelley’s hand in excitement, dragging her towards the crowd of mostly twenty-somethings. 

Kelley immediately felt uncomfortable, she didn’t want to play this stupid game but Alex was already sitting in the sand curiously watching the bottle spin.

Kelley sighed and sat down next to her looking who the bottle would pick. 

It landed on some random dude who was the very definition of surfer boy, his blond hair hanging so far into his face that his eyes were barely visible.   
He smirked as he reached for the bottle, letting it spin once again to find out who he was going to kiss.   
When it landed on another dude loud laughter filled the round as the surfer guy’s face paled visibly. 

The guy the bottle had landed on didn’t seem too bothered by it though, quickly walking up and giving the still completely shocked surfer guy a quick peck on the lips. 

The rounds went by and Kelley was very happy that the bottle never seemed to land on her. 

Then it was Alex’s turn and all that Kelley could think about was that she already hated the person that would get the chance to kiss Alex. 

Somehow the thought that the bottle could land on her never came to her mind so when the bottle pointed at her Kelley just stared down at it. 

It couldn’t be, she couldn’t kiss Alex, there was no way that that was going to happen, she would refuse to kiss her and no one could force her to change her mind about this. 

Kelley looked up gazing directly into blue eyes that were looking back at her reassuringly, Alex offering her a small smile before she leaned in hand resting against Kelley’s cheek who gasped in surprise which was a bad idea because Alex took the chance to put her tongue to use and Kelley was certain that she had died and went to heaven. 

She ignored the cheers around them, just feeling Alex until she pulled back grinning at Kelley widely and this was bad, this was really bad because Alex was drunk while Kelley wasn’t nearly drunk enough to excuse this kiss. 

Alex seemed really happy though, suddenly jumping up and grabbing Kelley’s hand. 

"It was really fun to play with you guys but we gotta move now." She said swaying slightly and Kelley wondered exactly how much alcohol Alex had consumed since they got to the party.   
She was still holding onto Kelley’s hand and a little part of Kelley wanted to pull her hand away, Alex’s touch was just a tad bit too much for her right now but she didn’t have the will to stop it, she was tired of fighting her feelings and they had already kissed so it couldn’t get much worse.

She probably overdid it a bit with the drinking, catching on to Alex alcohol wise pretty quickly but at least Alex seemed to be happy about it and didn’t want to head back to the dance floor. 

"I’m gonna go to the bathroom, be back in a bit." She shouted in Kelley’s ear, breath tickling against Kelley’s neck who shuddered at the feeling.

Kelley looked around for a bit, waiting for Alex to come back when she heard a voice to her left.

"Hey there." Kelley turned to look at the guy who was smiling at her.

She raised her eyebrow before she replied.   
"Hey. Do I know you?" He began smirking and Kelley already knew that he was going to be annoying. 

"No you don’t but you will."   
Kelley wasn’t sure wether she should laugh or cry about the comment, she only knew that she had to get rid off this guy as soon as possible. 

"Sorry buddy, but I don’t think that’s going to happen." She said taking a step away from him while he raised his eyebrow. 

"You’re sure?" He asked looking disappointed when Kelley slowly nodded her head. 

"What if I buy you a drink first?" He asked face lightening up with a smile again.  
Suddenly he took a step forward, coming uncomfortable close and Kelley quickly held out her hand, stopping him. 

"Dude, stop I’m not interested." She said voice firm while the guy looked down at her, forehead crinkling slightly at her words. 

"We can change that." He said suggestively and Kelley felt like she was going to vomit because that was seriously the last thing she needed right now. 

"Seriously stop it. I’m sure you can find a nice girl here who will like you, but it won’t be me." Kelley noticed that the guy was coming closer again and took another step back. 

"Kel I got us some more drinks." She felt Alex’s arm around her shoulder and a second later she had a drink in her hand. 

She somehow thought that Alex’s appearance would make the guy go away but she was wrong.

"Oh and who do we have here? I was about to buy your friend a drink, do you want to join in?" He asked still smirking when Kelley rolled her eyes.   
Alex raised her eyebrow looking at the guy before her gaze wandered to Kelley. 

"I don’t think that’s going to happen." Alex then said and the guy groaned. 

"Oh come on, don’t play hard to get." He said angrily. 

"We aren’t interested, got it?" Alex said taking a step forward, dragging Kelley with her.

"I don’t believe you." He replied staring down at Alex, Kelley only now registering how tall the guy was. 

She didn’t have much time to process that information though because suddenly Alex spun her around and she felt her lips against her own for the second time within an hour.   
When Alex pulled back she turned to look at the guy with a smirk, before she said "Do you need another hint?" 

He probably did because he glared at her before a smirk stole its way onto his face.   
"Alright, I get it. So you’re in for a threesome?" 

Kelley felt Alex tense up and wanted to say something to calm her down but it was already too late, Alex’s fist had already connected with the guy’s jaw who yelled out in pain before he glared at them angrily and took a step forward and shoved Alex hard, the forward stumbling backwards.

"Hey, leave her alone." Kelley shouted trying to pull the guy away from Alex who was still on the ground, groaning slightly. 

"I said leave her alone!" Kelley tried once again, pulling at his shirts, the guy turning around staring at her angrily before he stood up and came towards her. 

"I’ll leave her alone if you come with me." He said suggestively and Kelley felt anger rise up.   
Before she could really think about it, she punched him in the face hard but she didn’t expect him to slap back equally hard, a sharp pain shooting through her face and she could already taste the blood on her lip. 

At least it seemed like she had gotten him good, he was holding his nose when a few guys dragged him away from Kelley.

"Oh my god Kel, you’re bleeding." Alex said looking at her with worry in her eyes. 

"Do you think we could head back now?" Kelley asked trying to ignore the pain that she felt. 

"Of course, we have to put ice on that." Alex said gently tracing her thumb over Kelley’s lip who flinched slightly at the touch.

Alex grabbed her hand tightly, Kelley felt like the world around her was spinning but Alex’s hand provided her with some safety.

They walked back in silence, Alex was still walking a bit unsteady and Kelley’s lip was still bleeding and throbbing with pain, she could only hope that it wouldn’t look too bad. 

"He was like twice your size, it was really dumb to attack him like that." Alex said once they arrived at their beach house, guiding Kelley into the living room and letting her sit down on the couch. 

"Uh you were the one who attacked him first?" Kelley said raising her eyebrow while Alex rolled her eyes. 

"He asked us if we wanted to have a threesome, you know that he didn’t intend to leave, I wanted to protect you." Alex said before she stood up her last words echoing in Kelley’s head. 

"Stay there, I’ll get you some ice for your lip." Alex said pushing Kelley back onto the couch when she tried to go after her.

Kelley’s lip hurt a lot but her heart was a pretty strong contender for the first place because Alex had kissed her, twice but it still meant nothing and somehow that hurt even more than her split lip.

She was okay with loving Alex most of the time but under the influence of alcohol and the lingering feeling of Alex’s lips against her own it felt unbearable her heart aching for something that she couldn’t have and right now she just wished that she could change the way she felt, wished that her feelings for Alex were nonexistent.

"Okay let’s take a look at your lip, turn your head towards me." Kelley hadn’t noticed that Alex had gotten back only now noticing that she was kneeling in front of her with a worried expression on her face wide blue eyes looking back at her. 

"That looks pretty bad." She said reaching out for Kelley’s lip gently wiping the blood away with a washcloth, Kelley flinched at the contact trying not to hiss in pain. 

"Shh it’s alright." Alex said silently while she cleaned the wound. 

"Are you okay?" Kelley asked quietly and Alex nodded her head. 

"Yeah, I’m not the one with a busted lip." She replied with a hint of a smile on her face.

"Attacking that guy like that was pretty brave and stupid." Kelley said and Alex shrugged her shoulders.

"Same could be said for you. You’re good, it will probably take some time to heal but at least you look very badass." She said giving Kelley’s knee a light pat before she stood up. 

"Want to go to sleep?" Alex asked and only now Kelley registered how incredibly tired she was.   
She also remembered that they had to share a bed and after those two kisses she was entirely sure that she couldn’t handle sleeping next to Alex at the moment. 

"Yeah, actually I think I’ll sleep on the couch tonight, I’m feeling too crushed too walk upstairs right now." She said quickly, noticing how Alex looked disappointed.

"Sure you don’t want me to carry you upstairs?" Alex asked a hint of hope in her voice that baffled Kelley but she quickly recovered and shook her head.

"You’re way too drunk for that, you’d probably get both of us killed. Just go upstairs and sleep, I’ll be fine down here." Kelley tried to ignore that Alex actually looked a bit hurt at her comment and how she nodded her head slowly looking down like she had just been rejected. 

"Good night then." Alex whispered before she turned around and walked out of the living room, heading upstairs leaving Kelley alone on the couch, unable to sleep.


	19. my hands are shaking from holding back from you

"And do you think I’m a good kisser?" Kelley almost dropped her coffee at the sound of Alex’s voice.  
She didn’t expect her to be up this early and a part of her was worried that she had woken her up with all the noises that she made while she tried to prepare them breakfast.

"Obviously. Can we talk about something else maybe?" Kelley said trying to sound sarcastic but she wasn’t sure if it worked in her favor.   
Alex jumped up onto the kitchen counter and let her legs tangle.

"Can we skip running today and go straight to surfing? I think I’m getting better at it and I want to use the time we still have left here." Kelley chuckled, it had only taken one day for Alex to genuinely get into the surfing mood and she would gladly give her that even if it meant that she had to skip her morning run. 

"Sure, do you want to eat breakfast first? I attempted to prepare something for us, it’s not much because I thought it would take you longer to get up…" Kelley said and turned around to look at Alex who stopped smiling immediately a frown appearing on her face. 

"What’s wrong?" Kelley asked when Alex hopped down from the counter coming towards her. 

"Your lip looks pretty horrible." Alex said reaching out with her hand to inspect the split in Kelley’s lip who grinned. 

"You think so? I feel like it looks pretty badass." Alex rolled her eyes but there was a small smile on her lips. 

"Only you would think that a split lip can be considered cool." She said and Kelley raised her eyebrow. 

"I’m sure it could win me some hearts." Kelley said flinching when Alex touched her lip. 

"Yeah I’m sure that’s going to work out for you. But seriously, don’t you ever do something like that ever again, I was really worried for you." Kelley originally intended to make a remark about how Alex had been the one to charge at the guy first but Alex looked genuinely worried so instead Kelley slowly nodded her head. 

"I’ll be more careful in the future." She said before she reached for the coffee pot, filling a second mug up for Alex.

"What do you mean you’ll be more careful, that’s not what I asked for. Your not supposed to punch someone and risk a fight." Alex said before she took the mug from Kelley who shrugged her shoulders.

"I’m not going to look for a fight, I promise. That being said, if someone comes at you I won’t just stand by and watch." Kelley said placing two plates in front of them, each one filled with a little stack of pancakes that were decorated with some blueberries. 

"I don’t want you to get hurt again." Alex said and Kelley grinned sheepishly before she replied.

"Guess I will have to work on my reflexes then." 

Alex glared at her and said "Not funny" while Kelley started eating her pancakes. 

"You can’t expect me not to do anything if something like that we’re to happen again. I know it wasn’t funny and I’m sorry that you had to worry about me but I’d gladly do it again if it meant that you were safe." Kelley said meeting Alex’s gaze who sighed but nodded slowly.

"I probably would’ve done the same if the positions had been reversed to be honest. I just hate to see you hurt." Alex bit her lip while Kelley couldn’t help but stare at her.

"You would probably look really badass with a split lip." Kelley then said and Alex jokingly flicked a tiny piece of her pancakes at Kelley who tried to deflect it with her fork, failing miserably but at least it made Alex laugh. 

"Hey I put a lot of work into this." Kelley said protesting while Alex just smiled back at her, blue eyes sparkling in the sunlight that fell through the window into the kitchen. 

"It does taste incredible." Alex said before she put another piece into her mouth, still smiling at Kelley who was way too distracted by Alex to actually eat her own pancake. 

"Why aren’t you eating? Come on, I want to head down to the beach as soon as possible." Alex said and Kelley started laughing.

She never would’ve thought that she would see the day where Alex would be in a hurry to get their training started but then again surfing was quite fun and definitely something that Alex preferred over their usual morning runs.   
Not that Kelley could blame her much for it, if she was being honest she would also favor surfing over running so Alex’s idea was quite welcome.

"Earth to Kelley." Alex said as she waved her hand in front of Kelley’s face.

"Sorry, it’s just that my lip hurts a bit when I try to eat. You know what, I’ll just save this one for when we get back." Kelley said standing up and reaching for her plate that was still half filled.

"Want me to kiss it better?" Alex asked jokingly, not even noticing how Kelley froze at her remark.

"Is it getting to your head that I said that you’re a good kisser?" Kelley asked once she regained the control over her voice she could only hope that Alex wouldn’t notice how nervous this conversation was making her.  
It seemed like luck was on her side, Alex still thought that they were just joking around.

She poked her tongue out at Kelley who chuckled before Alex said "I already knew that before you admitted it. I just wanted to hear you say it."   
Kelley shook her head in disbelief hoping that Alex didn’t notice that she was blushing.

Alex was an excellent kisser and there was nothing that Kelley wanted to do more than kissing her again, but she knew that she couldn’t justify that, if it were to happen again it had to be on Alex’s terms and as much as Kelley hated it she knew that Alex wouldn’t do her that favor.

Instead she would be left with the feeling of Alex’s lips against her own forever, it really felt like some kind of curse even though Kelley didn’t regret it in the slightest.

"I’m going to get ready now. Join me whenever you're ready?" Alex said while she put her empty plate into the dishwasher and then walked over to the door.

Kelley put her plate into the fridge before she closed it again and rushed after Alex who was already halfway up the stairs.  
She almost stumbled over one of the stairs in her attempt to catch up, flailing wildly as she tried to regain her balance.

"Are you okay, you’re kinda clumsy today. You didn’t hit your head yesterday, did you?" Alex asked.

Kelley shook her head, she didn’t hit her head at least not as far as she remembered, it was just the constant throb of her lip that was getting to her, that and the two kisses that preoccupied her mind she could only hope that over time she would be able to stop thinking about them because otherwise she might be in a lot of trouble. 

"I think I’m a bit unfocused today, but it’s alright. I didn’t hit my head, promise." Kelley replied and Alex nodded slowly, like she wasn’t entirely convinced but Kelley knew that she wouldn’t say anything else on the matter.

They quickly got changed and grabbed their surfboards, Alex was so excited that she almost hit Kelley in the face with her surfboard profusely apologizing for it even though Kelley assured her that it was fine and that nothing had happened. 

Alex still insisted on carrying both of their surfboards down to the beach as an apology and it wasn’t like Kelley could’ve possibly resisted her.

"Do you still remember the basics?" Kelley asked once they reached the beach and Alex raised her eyebrow.  
"You know that we just went surfing yesterday, right? You said I was doing good." 

"I do and you were, just wanted to make sure that you still remembered." Kelley replied grinning as Alex just shook her head with a laugh. 

"So would you mind if I hit some larger waves today? If you’re still uncertain or anything I’ll stay by your side and we just take on some small waves, I want you to have fun as well." Kelley said and Alex smiled back at her. 

"I’m fine, I think I can take on some of the small waves on my own. Besides I can always choose the option to just watch you while you rock those waves." Alex said winking at Kelley who started laughing at the comment. 

"Alright, I promise I won’t do it for too long, I want to spend some time with you after all." Alex smiled back at her nodding her head before they parted their ways, Alex heading to the left where she spotted a few smaller waves while Kelley went straight forward and deeper into the water, quickly finding a wave that was exactly the way she wanted it to be. 

She did a few tricks before she turned back towards the shore, looking for Alex who was excitedly waving at her, sitting on her board.

Kelley waved back with a smile before she took on another wave, it would be her last one before she would join Alex again.

She had almost reached her when a wave hit Alex weirdly, throwing her off the board.  
Kelley felt panic rush through her whole body when Alex didn’t resurface immediately.   
She jumped off of her board and quickly swam towards the spot where Alex’s board was now swimming alone, frantically looking around for any sign of Alex and she almost started crying when Alex came back to the surface, coughing.   
Kelley launched herself into Alex’s arms who caught her completely surprised. 

"God you’re so stupid, that wave was way too big for you." Kelley whispered tears streaming down her cheeks as Alex just held her completely stunned. 

"I’m okay, it was no big deal, I just lost my footing." Alex said wrapping her arms around Kelley who looked up at her best friend, eyes still filled with tears. 

"You’re really okay?" She asked and Alex nodded her head with a small smile. 

"Maybe we should get our boards again before they completely float away." She said nodding her head towards Kelley’s board that was already floating pretty far from them.

"Shit." Kelley mumbled, pulling back from their embrace before she swam after her board, luckily able to catch up.  
When she turned back she saw Alex sitting on her own board again, smiling at Kelley, making her heart beat faster than it should’ve been. 

She wanted to stay here forever, just the two of them in their little beach house away from the rest of the world.   
It was peaceful and quiet and everything that Kelley wanted her life to be and she let her mind slip, imagining what it would be like to live here with Alex once they retired.

Of course it wouldn’t be like that, not as long as Dean was in the picture and sadly she knew that he wasn’t going anywhere so her plan of a future with Alex would never come to fruition, much to her frustration. 

Kelley decided to ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach, at least for the moment because Alex was still smiling back at her, waving for her to come over her skin bathed in the morning sun appeared to be almost golden.  
When she stopped next to Alex it took everything in Kelley not to just reach out and pull her in, all that she wanted to do was touch Alex, to let her hands roam over her abs, to trace patterns with the water.

"Kelley?" 

Kelley’s eyes shot up to meet Alex’s gaze, ears probably turning bright red, she shouldn’t be thinking about this.

"I asked if you think that I could take on a bigger wave, with you?" Alex asked patiently, her eyes appearing an even brighter shade of blue than usual and Kelley already knew that she had lost, she didn’t even need to argue about how dangerous it would be and that it wasn’t a good idea to be on one board together, all it needed was one look from Alex and Kelley couldn’t say no.

"It’s going to be difficult it’s hard enough to balance yourself on the board with two people on it it gets much harder. You think you can handle it?"   
Alex nodded and the determination in her gaze sent shivers down Kelley’s spine, she could only hope that she wouldn’t regret agreeing to this. 

They paddled back to the beach and Alex put her board next to their towels before they headed back into the water on Kelley’s board. 

Alex was sitting in front of Kelley who tried to breathe normally but it would’ve been a lie to say that this wasn’t getting to her.

Alex’s body was pressed close to her own and a part of her wondered if the brunette was doing this on purpose, maybe this was part of her being a tease, maybe Alex did suspect that she had some kind of power over Kelley.  
Whatever it was, Kelley didn’t care because all that she felt was the heat radiating from Alex’s body and she couldn’t focus properly at this rate she would probably get the two of them killed.

"Scoot a little bit forward." Kelley said and Alex turned back to her with a raised eyebrow but complied, moving forward so that their bodies weren’t touching anymore. 

"Better?" Alex asked and Kelley nodded, ignoring the questioning look that Alex was throwing her.

"I think that one could be perfect." Kelley said trying to distract Alex from whatever she was thinking right now, pointing towards a wave that was slowly building up. 

"Okay, what do you want me to do?" Alex asked suddenly sounding uncertain as Kelley slowly pushed herself up. 

"Come closer again, I’ll try to steady you as good as I can, the wave isn’t too big, don’t be scared I got you." She said.

Alex nodded her head and came closer towards Kelley again, both of them standing now. 

Kelley felt how tense Alex was, it wasn’t like Kelley felt too confident about this either, but she sure as hell would give Alex the feeling that this was nothing they had to worry about. 

"I got you." She said once again, voice sounding way more confident and stable than she felt, but at least it made Alex relax slightly.

Kelley was quite surprised herself when they actually made it, Alex almost threw the both of them off the board when she lunged at Kelley, happily wrapping her arms around her. 

"Thanks, that was so cool." She whispered against Kelley’s neck who closed her eyes holding Alex tightly.

"For you, always." Kelley replied, allowing herself to feel at least for the moment.


	20. this is our place (we make the rules)

The week went by way too fast spent with endless talks down at the beach or on the couch with the tv playing in the background.  
In the morning they either ran or went down to the beach to surf. 

Kelley was very happy with all the progress that Alex was making with her surfing skills and she could see it on Alex’s face how proud she was.   
It didn’t stop Kelley from teasing her about how much progress could be achieved by training properly and Alex had rolled her eyes at her more than once.

They also went swimming and tried out beach volleyball, something they agreed wasn’t their thing after Alex almost hurt her knee while trying to get the ball. 

Kelley even managed to make them a little bonfire one evening, Alex had spent over two hours looking for wood while Kelley had prepared everything for a BBQ.

They had decided against attending any more beach parties, Kelley’s lip still wasn’t fully healed and Alex was teasing her about it relentlessly, she could only guess how it would be once their other teammates found out about how it came to be.

Kelley could already imagine the disapproving looks from Becky and Christen, but she didn’t care, she would’ve done the same all over again, or maybe she would’ve hit the guy a bit harder. 

Earlier in the day Alex had managed to take a pretty big wave all on her own and Kelley wasn’t sure who was more proud about it.

When she had invited Alex out to a restaurant to celebrate her success Alex had laughed and said that it wasn’t that much of a big deal, but she still agreed to have lunch in a completely overpriced and way too fancy restaurant. 

Afterwards they had headed back to the beach house and started to pack their stuff back into their suitcases. 

Alex had been awfully silent while packing and Kelley wanted to say something but decided against it because she knew that Alex sometimes needed her space.

"I got the contract yesterday." Alex suddenly said when they were lying down on the couch, Kelley’s arm wrapped around Alex’s waist while she zapped through the channels. 

"For the house?" Kelley asked with a smile and Alex nodded hesitantly.   
Kelley frowned when she noticed that Alex didn’t look all too happy about it. 

"Are you having second thoughts about this?" She asked and Alex turned to look at her. 

"I thought that you might have some." She said biting down onto her lip while Kelley looked at her irritated. 

"Why would you think that?" She asked completely baffled that Alex would ever think that she had changed her mind about this. 

"I don’t know, I noticed that you left the bed the last two nights. I thought that maybe you changed your mind about wanting to live together?" 

Right, she did leave their bed the last two nights because Alex had been too close to her and it had made Kelley’s head spin, she had just needed some fresh air which was the reason why she had untangled herself from Alex’s body and went down for a walk on the beach.  
It had been nice, everything was dark and silent and the water had been cold but calming against her feet. 

When she had calmed down enough Kelley had went back and slipped back under the covers even though she kept a bit of distance to Alex, even though they still ended all tangled up again by the time that morning came around. 

She thought that Alex didn’t notice her little trips to the beach but apparently she did.

"That wasn’t about me having second thoughts, I just couldn’t sleep. I still want to buy this house with you and I want to spend every single free minute that we get here until we grow tired of it, which I think won’t ever happen." Kelley finished with a smile that was returned by Alex. 

"So we’re signing that contract?" Alex asked turning towards Kelley before she almost tumbled down from the couch, the only thing that prevented her from falling was Kelley who quickly wrapped her arm around Alex.

"I guess we do. Is it bad that I kind of don’t want to go back home tomorrow?" Alex asked and Kelley laughed. 

"As much as I agree, I doubt that our team would appreciate us running off." Kelley thought back at how Christen had reacted when she found out about their little trip.  
Crazy and self destructive had only been two of the words that she had used to describe Kelley’s behavior and maybe she was right, maybe this was a bit self destructive but it was so worth it to be here, Alex in her arms.

"Want me to get the contract?" Alex asked and pushed herself up, Kelley loosened her grip around Alex’s waist so that she could stand up. 

Alex went upstairs while Kelley let herself fall back onto the couch, staring up at the ceiling.  
They were really doing this, buying a house together.

It felt so significant and yet it probably wasn’t because she wasn’t with Alex, at the end of the day it would always be Alex and Dean and not Alex and her, Kelley knew that, she was painfully aware of it, so why was she lying here waiting for Alex to get back with a contract that would make them the owners of a house? 

So maybe she was having second thoughts after all, not because she doubted that this was what she wanted, her main concern was that she was getting deeper and deeper into something that was inevitably going to break.

"Here we go." Alex came into the living room, wide smile on her face while she waved with an envelope as Kelley sat up.

Kelley put on a smile as well, she didn’t want Alex to notice what was going on, she couldn’t let her know that she was slowly doubting this after all. 

Alex sat down next to Kelley before she handed her the envelope that was still closed. 

"Do you want to open it?" Alex asked with a smile while Kelley tried to hide the fact that her hand was trembling slightly. 

Alex noticed it though and wrapped her hand around Kelley’s still smiling. 

"Hey are you nervous about this?" She asked voice gentle as she laid her other arm around Kelley’s shoulder.

"Yeah, maybe a little bit, this feels like a big deal." Kelley said chewing on her lip nervously as she turned her head to meet Alex’s gaze. 

"I know that it is. If you don’t want to do this anymore just say the word." Alex sounded so understanding that Kelley just wanted to cry.  
She felt overwhelmed and she just wanted to tell Alex how she felt but she couldn’t do it, she couldn’t ruin them like this. 

"I want to do this." Kelley said nodding her head, not sure if she was trying to convince Alex or herself.

"Alright, let’s read through it then and make sure that all of this is alright with us." Alex said before she slowly opened the envelope and took out the contract.   
Kelley stared down at the papers, realizing that this was really happening, they were buying a house together.

She remembered the past week, everything they had done together, the fun that they had, maybe things could be like this always or maybe she was setting herself up for even more heartbreak but at the end of the day this still was what she wanted, this was her dream and Kelley wasn’t willing to give up on it, no matter how much it would cost her in the end. 

She looked at Alex who was already focused on the document in her hands and a small smile crossed over her face at the sight.

It was endearing how focused Alex got when it came to reading, it was almost impossible to get her to snap out of it once she started to read anything and contracts didn’t seem to be an exception.

Kelley skimmed over the words as well, trying to concentrate on the words written down rather than Alex which didn’t work out too well but at least she was trying. 

"What do you think?" Alex asked after a while and Kelley’s gaze shot up to meet Alex’s who was smiling back at her reassuringly. 

"It sounds good?" Kelley said and Alex chuckled before she wrapped her arm around Kelley letting her head rest against Kelley’s shoulder.

"Want to go first?" Alex asked holding out a pen, Kelley taking it with a smile. 

"Gladly. We’re really doing this." Kelley said taking a deep breath before she signed the contract, holding the pen out for Alex afterwards.

"Your turn." She said and watched as Alex signed her name next to Kelley’s before she put it down, looking up at Kelley with a huge smile on her face. 

"We own a house together." She said excitedly before she hugged Kelley tightly who struggled to keep breathing due to the intensity of the hug.

Kelley closed her eyes, taking in the feeling of Alex’s arms wrapped around her tightly.  
If it were up to her they would’ve stayed there forever but Kelley knew that they had to go back to their daily life she still wasn’t sure how Alex had managed to get them this little extra week of vacation and she certainly wouldn’t question it. 

"I’m hungry." Alex said suddenly pulling back from the hug.

"We already had dinner." Kelley replied laughing and Alex shrugged her shoulders. 

"I don’t care, I want pizza. You know the one that we had on Wednesday, that one was incredible, do we still have the flyer from the delivery service?" 

"I think it’s still somewhere on the kitchen counter." Kelley replied watching as Alex jumped up and rushed into the kitchen like she was being chased.

"Got it. Do you want one as well?" Alex came back into view, delivery service flyer in hand. 

"You’re going to make us run extra laps, you know that?" Kelley asked with a groan while Alex smiled triumphantly, knowing fully well that Kelley would have a pizza as well. 

"You love running, don’t you?" She asked teasingly while Kelley rolled her eyes.

"Fine I’ll have one with pepperoni." Kelley tried to sound grumpy but she knew that Alex wasn’t buying into it. 

That was the thing with them, Alex was just as good when it came to reading Kelley as Kelley was with reading Alex, a fact that made Kelley wonder how it could be that Alex hadn’t figured out how she felt about her yet.  
It was strange, maybe she was being too obvious about her feelings, so obvious that Alex thought that it simply couldn’t be or maybe she was trying to ignore it for both of their sakes. 

"Where are you with your mind?" Alex asked sitting down on the couch next to Kelley.

"I’m not sure, I never thought that we would end up here, like this." Kelley avoided looking at Alex as she talked. She wasn’t sure what she would see in Alex’s gaze and she wasn’t sure what Alex would see in her own.

"You make it sound like that’s a bad thing." Alex said after remaining silent for a while. 

"I wasn’t trying to, I just never expected it. Then again there were a lot of things that I never expected." Falling in love with her best friend was one of them, but Kelley couldn’t say that out loud. 

"Just because you didn’t expect it doesn’t mean that it’s a bad thing though, right? You never thought you’d be a defender either and look at you now." Alex said with a small smile and Kelley laughed. 

"You might be right, I’m a pretty good defender."

"The best if you ask me." Alex replied an honest smile playing around her lips.

"You’re exaggerating." Kelley shot back and Alex raised her eyebrow. 

"I’m not, I really think that you are. You worked so hard for this and it payed off. It’s okay to pat yourself on the back now and then and admit when you’re good." 

"Then why aren’t you doing the same?" Kelley asked and watched as Alex’s smile faded slowly. 

"I got a lot of people who do it for me." The smile was back but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. 

"You also got a lot of people who continue to say otherwise. You can be proud of your achievements as well, it doesn’t matter what other people might think or say what really counts is that you know how good you are."  
Alex was about to say something when the doorbell rang and Kelley would probably be forever left wondering what she originally wanted to say.


	21. if I’m honest what I liked were the things we didn’t know

They were at a house party with Tobin and Christen, Kelley wasn’t sure when the last time was that she happened to be at a house party, she thought that it might’ve been shortly after college, it definitely was at least five years ago and it was strange because she didn’t even know the people who were throwing the party, Tobin got invited by one of her teammates and dragged all of them along because they needed to spend more time together, at least Kelley recalled that those were her words. 

She didn’t really want to be at the party because the whole house was stuffed with people, everyone was drinking, Kelley already was slightly tipsy and Alex had enough to drink for the both of them.

Party games were going on, Kelley thought that they might be like ten years too old for this kind of stuff, but Alex cheered as soon as she saw a group of people playing Never Have I Ever and Kelley rolled her eyes, because this was such a high school thing to do, but Alex was looking at her with pleading eyes, completely drunk and she was pouting and Kelley could’ve never said no to her whenever she was like that (or really ever). 

They ended up joining the group, Alex had somehow been able to convince both Tobin and Christen to join in as well.   
It didn’t take much convincing when it came to Tobin, she was almost as wasted as Alex and probably would’ve been up to playing even if she weren’t drunk. 

Christen just rolled her eyes, but followed the second that Tobin said "Please Chris, it’ll be fun." 

It wasn’t fun, all of them were well over twenty five and most people struggled to even find something that they hadn't done yet.   
Kelley decided that she still hated this game as much as she did when she was eighteen, but she could play along and act like this was fun, because Alex was sitting next to her laughing, occasionally drinking and looking like she was having an absolute blast.

"Never have I ever slept with someone of the same gender." Someone said, Kelley drank from the cup that she was holding and looked around the circle they were sitting in. 

Kelley noticed three things simultaneously, Alex taking a sip, Tobin and Christen looking at each other with a strange expression on their faces and then Christen looking at her for a split second before she looked away again. 

Kelley thought that her heart might've stopped, because Alex did clearly drink and it probably wasn’t because she was thirsty, hell there was no way that she had been drinking because she was thirsty considering how much she had been drinking all evening.

She felt like an idiot for never considering that Alex could be anything but straight, but Alex had been with Dean for as long as she can remember and Kelley suddenly had to ask herself when and with whom that would’ve happened and suddenly lights went off in her head and her gaze snapped over to where Tobin was sitting with Christen, chatting casually about something and Kelley felt sick to her stomach because she knew how close Alex and Tobin were a few years ago, but she never thought that they were this close.

A part of her never wanted to think about this ever again but there was a little part of her that was curious because when did that happen and how did no one know about it?   
At least she hoped that no one else knew about this, because being the only one who didn’t know somehow would’ve felt even worse.   
Kelley knew that her curiosity was eventually going to win over her desire to never think about this ever again, she also knew that Alex was just drunk enough to answer her questions. 

It took another two hours until Alex was finally willing to go home. 

Kelley was really tired and she envied Christen and Tobin who went home over an hour before them. She also envied Tobin for sleeping with Alex, which reminded her that she wanted to ask Alex about it and that her being drunk might be the only chance she got.

They were walking home in silence, it wasn’t exactly uncomfortable, but Kelley’s thoughts were racing and her emotions felt all over the place because she was hurting about Tobin and Alex.   
She wasn’t even sure if she felt this way because it happened at all, or because no one ever told her about it.   
Maybe it was just her being jealous because she would’ve loved to be in Tobin’s place and it was frustrating to think about what could’ve been if only she had known that Alex might be attracted to more than one gender. 

"What’s on your mind?" Alex asked a few minutes before they got back to their place, stopping in the middle of the street while she looked back at Kelley who was a few steps behind her.

Kelley sighed because it was now or never and a part of her still didn’t want to know more, but the majority of her was curious so she went for it.

"Spill." She said and Alex looked at her irritated for a moment until she realized what Kelley meant.

"What do you want to know?" Alex asked as she continued walking, Kelley having caught up with her again, thinking about how to answer Alex’s question.

She wasn’t really sure what she wanted to know, she wasn’t even sure if she wanted to know about it at all, but she had already figured out that it had been Tobin, so really how much worse could it get than finding out that one of your best friends slept with the woman that she was in love with? 

They came to a stand in front of their apartment building, Kelley searching for her key hastily before she turned to look at Alex who was swaying a little bit, clearly not unfazed by all the alcohol that she consumed. 

"When and how?" The words tumbled out of her mouth and Kelley could only hope that Alex in her drunken state didn’t notice how her voice cracked a little bit, she hoped that she wouldn’t start crying because that would’ve been embarrassing and she probably would have had to explain herself and right in this moment confessing her feelings wasn’t really on her to do list, not that it would ever be.

Kelley opened the door, giving it a slight kick with her foot and they stepped inside, or rather Kelley stepped inside, Alex almost stumbled over the threshold. 

She leaned against the wall and looked at Kelley with an unreadable look on her face before she started talking again. 

"Do you really need me to explain how, pretty sure you know more about that than I do."

Kelley felt her face growing hot in embarrassment and she turned back to glare at Alex, she tended to forget how sarcastic her best friend could get when drunk, sometimes it was funny and at other times it wasn’t, right now it certainly didn’t feel funny, at least not for Kelley. 

"I meant how it happened, I don‘t want to know what you did." It’s true, she didn’t want to know what they did, she could imagine and she didn’t even wanted to think about this anymore, maybe it had been a bad idea to ask.

"While we played in Portland, I don‘t know I guess I was just curious and we were joking about it and then suddenly we weren‘t joking anymore, it just happened and it worked." Alex replied, shrugging her shoulders like it was no big deal, an almost smug smile on her lips and Kelley just felt sick about this.

"So were you guys like secretly dating?" She asked, wishing that she could’ve just shut up and drop the topic, but her curiosity did win over and she had to know.

"No, it wasn‘t like that. I mean, I love Tobs you know that but it was never about romantic feelings with us. I guess you could call it friends with benefits."  
Kelley nodded hesitantly, before she bit her lower lip.

"What about Dean, does he know about this? You clearly were already dating him when it happened."   
Alex scoffed and shook her head.

"I asked him how he would feel about me experimenting and he laughed in my face, told me that I would never go through with it. Then he said that he didn’t care who I’m sleeping with, as long as it wasn’t any of his colleagues. He didn’t say anything about me not sleeping with my teammates though, so I took the opportunity when it presented itself. I had already talked about this with Tobs at that point and she had assured me that she would be alright with trying, that I could always come to her if I wanted to try out some stuff… and Christen, I don‘t really know. It only happened like two or three times and we always were drunk."  
Kelley‘s blood went completely cold. 

"What?" She felt all the color drain from her face and Alex flinched a little bit looking at her puzzled, surprised by how loud Kelley‘s voice had gotten. 

"Christen, Christen?" Kelley asked feeling her stomach turning inside out when Alex nodded.   
Suddenly the look that Christen threw her earlier made much more sense, it wasn‘t because she knew that Tobin slept with Alex, it was because she did. 

"So you slept with Tobin who is one of my best friends and with Christen who is like a sister to me... Anyone else I should know about?" Kelley knew that she sounded pissed and that she really had no right to because it was Alex‘s decision who she decided to sleep with but it hurt. 

"Are you mad that I never asked you?"  
The question clearly came with no bad intentions, Alex looked genuinely curious and it hurt Kelley how oblivious Alex was when it came to her feelings. 

"Why didn‘t you?" She asked placing her hand against the wall right next to Alex’s head leaning in much more than she should’ve, Alex staring back at her with wide eyes.

"You‘re important to me, I didn‘t want to screw that up with sex." She said, like it was the most obvious explanation in the world and Kelley didn’t know what to say to argue with that, because it did make sense and it wasn’t like it would’ve changed things.  
Being some kind of experiment for Alex wasn’t what she wanted, she didn’t want just sex, she wanted Alex and maybe it was better that Alex had never bothered to ask her to experiment, maybe it was saving her some pain.

It should’ve made her feel better but it didn’t and Kelley was pretty sure that it wasn’t even about the experimenting anymore and much more about the people who Alex had been experimenting with. 

Kelley could handle Tobin, she didn’t like it but she got it because her and Alex were incredibly close back when Alex was playing for the Thorns and perhaps there had been potential for more if it hadn’t been for Dean, even though Kelley didn’t like to admit it.

It was different with Christen because never in a thousand years Kelley would’ve guessed that there was some kind of mutual interest between Alex and Christen, Christen certainly had never mentioned anything like that towards her, but then again she knew about Kelley’s feelings so it made sense that Chris never told her that the interest in Alex might’ve been a shared thing between them.

"Kel, could you please say something?" Alex asked still trapped between Kelley’s body and the wall, Kelley only now realizing how close to each other they were standing, pushing herself back so fast that she almost stumbled. 

"I uh.. I’m tired I think I need to go to bed." Kelley said not meeting Alex’s gaze.   
She hoped that she would be let off the hook easily since Alex was still drunk, she didn’t expect to be pulled back by the forward.

"Talk to me." Alex said wrapping her hand around Kelley’s wrist dragging her closer until Kelley was facing her again, staring into blue eyes.

"Would you’ve wanted me to ask?" Alex whispered eyes searching for something in Kelley’s gaze who completely froze.

"I should really go to bed now and so should you. You’re gonna have one hell of a headache tomorrow." Kelley said, voice shaking before she gently loosened Alex’s grip around her wrist, hurrying into her room and slamming the door shut behind her, considering locking it so that Alex couldn’t just come inside to ask any more questions.

She fell into her bed, not even bothering to get undressed, just kicking off her heels before she looked up at the ceiling, wondering how she had gotten into this place.   
It took quite some time but eventually she fell into a restless sleep.


	22. don’t like to talk about my feelings

When Kelley woke up the next morning she had a new message from Christen, asking her to meet up for lunch and if they could talk.   
Kelley hesitated before she shot back a message, agreeing to meet, she really didn’t want to talk about it, because the thought of Christen with Alex still made her feel sick, but she didn’t really want to fight with Christen either. 

She decided to go on her morning run alone, Alex was probably going to be hungover and would be thankful if Kelley let her sleep and Kelley needed this right now, she needed to clear her mind and be on her own before meeting up with Christen.

Kelley searched for her headphones, taking a look at the clock before she glanced at her phone one last time, checking wether Christen had answered her or not. 

When that wasn’t the case she got her keys and headed out, turning the volume of her music up as she started running. 

It helped a bit, it was still pretty cold since it was early, Kelley thought that maybe it would help clear her head as she fell into a steady jog.

She wasn’t exactly looking forward to her meeting with Christen but she knew that it was necessary, they had to have this conversation for the sake of their friendship and she was ready to at least listen to her.  
Kelley still felt angry and hurt but she knew that Christen probably didn’t do it to hurt her.

She realized that she was back to thinking about Alex and Christen which was the last thing that she had wanted, Kelley groaned in annoyance it seemed like this just wasn’t the right time for a relaxing morning run, not while she had all this stuff going on so she headed back to their place not feeling satisfied at all.

She sneaked into her room, she wasn’t sure if Alex had woken up by now and she really did not want to be forced into having to have a confrontation with the forward right now.

Kelley knew that she would have to face Alex again eventually, she didn’t really look forward to it because it would be weird and she wasn’t even sure if Alex would remember, but if she was sure of one thing then it was that she had to talk to Christen first and maybe gather a bit more information on what had happened between them. 

It wasn’t like Kelley wanted to know, a part of her still felt sick when she thought about it, but she had to understand what had happened and why it had happened, the silent question why it didn’t happen with her still lingering, even though Alex had provided her with some kind of answer the previous night. 

Kelley had just closed the door to her room behind her silently when she heard a loud bang coming from the kitchen, so Alex had to be awake and it seemed like she was breaking things in the kitchen. 

Kelley thought about heading to the kitchen, a part of her wanted to make sure that everything was alright with Alex, but she reminded herself that she wanted to talk to Christen first and that she really wasn’t in the mood to face her best friend right now. 

Besides that Alex surely was nursing one hell of a hangover and if there was one thing that Kelley knew about Alex then it was how clingy and cuddly the forward got whenever she was recovering from a long night out and that honestly was the last thing that Kelley could’ve used in that moment. 

She heard loud cursing coming from the kitchen and it took everything in her not to come to Alex’s aid.

"Kelley do we have band-aids?" Alex voice rang through the apartment, but Kelley didn’t reply if Alex thought that she wasn’t home or still in bed there wouldn’t be a conversation, it was totally justified that she wasn’t replying Alex could handle this on her own, she would be able to find a band-aid it wasn’t like she was going to bleed out or anything. 

She heard footsteps coming through the hallway, eyes widening as she realized that Alex was probably heading towards her bedroom.  
Kelley frantically tossed her shoes away and slipped her sweaty shirt off, throwing it towards her closet before she jumped into her bed, covering herself with her blanket.

There was a knock on her door a few seconds later and a silent "Kelley, are you in there?" 

Kelley bit her lip, hoping that Alex would just go away quickly but of course she didn’t have any luck with that.

She heard the door creak, squeezing her eyes shut so tightly that it almost hurt while she tried to even out her breaths so that Alex wouldn’t notice that she was in fact very much awake. 

"Kel, are you still asleep?" Alex whispered walking into the room, Kelley hearing her come closer towards the bed.

"Kel?" Alex whispered and Kelley felt her hand on her naked shoulder, instantly regretting that she had decided to pull off her shirt earlier but it had been so sweaty that Alex would’ve noticed that she wasn’t still asleep from the night before.

"Alright I’m gonna let you sleep, you could use it after last night." Alex said silently while she stroked Kelley’s hair back carefully leaning down to place a kiss on Kelley’s forehead who was pretty sure that she was going to die.

Her eyes shot open the second that her bedroom door closed behind Alex, Kelley sitting up abruptly, the lingering feeling of Alex’s lips against her forehead still burning.

She should’ve said something, should’ve let Alex know that she was awake but she still wasn’t ready to talk about the previous night and maybe it was just better this way.

Her gaze wandered over to the clock, she was supposed to meet Christen in thirty minutes and now she had to think about a way to get out of the apartment without Alex noticing.

Alex who was probably currently searching every single room in their apartment for a band-aid and Kelley didn’t have a single clue in which room she was currently searching. 

She would’ve loved to take a shower before heading out since she still felt sweaty from her morning run but judging from her current situation that was unlikely to happen and she would have to go with a change of clothes and a lot of deodorant.

Kelley walked over to her closet as silently as possible, pulling out a pair of jeans and a black shirt before she walked over towards the door, pressing her ear against it, maybe Alex had already found a band-aid and she could sneak into the bathroom.   
She heard a door being closed, from the sound of it it could’ve been the door to Alex’s room but if it wasn’t it had to be the bathroom door, it was a fifty-fifty chance of either bumping right into Alex or getting away with it. 

Kelley took a deep breath, she wouldn’t go to this meeting with Christen without having showered first, she would try to get into the bathroom.

Luckily Alex wasn’t in the bathroom, Kelley showered as fast as possible and changed into the clothes that she had picked out earlier before she unlocked the bathroom door and listened for any signs about Alex’s whereabouts, not able to hear anything in the hallway.   
Kelley opened the door silently heading straight towards the door, quickly putting on her shoes and grabbing her bag with the keys and her wallet. 

She was already halfway through the door when she heard Alex’s door being opened, quickly slamming the front door shut behind her so that Alex wouldn’t see her. 

She thought that Alex probably heard the front door being shut, but if that was the case she didn’t bother to follow after her which Kelley was thankful for.

She looked at her phone, realizing that she would have to hurry if she wanted to be at the restaurant in time. 

Christen was already sitting at a table when Kelley arrived, but she was still on time somehow, even though she was a little bit out of breath. 

She sat down looking back at Christen expectantly who looked more nervous than Kelley had seen her in a long time.   
"Thanks for coming here." She said and Kelley shrugged her shoulders, it wasn’t like she had much of a choice if she wanted to keep this friendship in her life. 

"Do you want to order first?" Christen asked offering Kelley one of the menu’s who took it from her friend’s hands hesitantly.   
A waiter came towards their table and they both ordered their meal before a heavy silence settled in between them.   
Kelley looked outside through the window while Christen shifted around uncomfortably like she was waiting for Kelley to make the first move but that wasn’t going to happen. 

"Look Kelley, I’m sorry that you had to find out like this." Christen said once they got their meals right when Kelley dug her fork into the pasta. 

"You’re sorry that I had to find out like this or that I did find out?" Kelley shot back a bit sharper than she had intended but she still felt hurt about this, she wouldn’t let Christen off of the hook so easily. 

"Okay maybe it’s more of the second option, I didn’t want you to find out about it at all." Christen admitted.

"Why not?" Kelley asked while Christen sighed. 

"I knew that it would only hurt you and it’s not like it mattered that much to me."

"Oh great so you slept with her and it didn’t even matter to you, great to know." Kelley muttered and Christen glared at her. 

"Not what I meant and you know it." Maybe Kelley did know, but she was way too stubborn and angry to admit to that right now.

"You knew that I was in love with her." She said tears rising up in her eyes and Christen looked down at her plate.

"To be honest I didn’t know about it back then and I was drunk Kelley, which doesn’t excuse what happened but really what does it change?"  
She looked at Kelley almost pleadingly. 

"You slept with her, Chris and never even bothered to tell me." Kelley replied putting down her fork, she wasn’t really in the mood to eat anymore.

"I am sorry, I wasn’t trying to hurt you or anything. It happened and I can’t take that back it was just sex, it’s not like it meant anything and I get that you’re upset and hurt and that it’s probably going to take a while until you even consider forgiving me, but I really didn’t mean to hurt you." Christen looked at her sadly and Kelley sighed because she knew that Christen was right, she never meant to hurt her and she admittedly didn’t know how she felt about Alex back then, but it still stung that two of her best friends had sex with the woman she was in love with.

"I just… I thought that she was straight this entire time and now I’m wondering if I could’ve had a chance of…" Kelley said trailing off when Christen shot her a disapproving look.

"Don’t go there. She already was with Dean then, it was just sex and you can’t honestly try to tell me that that would’ve been enough for you."

"I… I…" Kelley said trying to find the right words to say but coming up empty, because damn it Christen was right, she never could have just sex with Alex because she was in love with her and had always been and it would’ve only made her situation so much worse so maybe it was for the best that she never got the chance to sleep with Alex. 

"I guess I will forever be stuck wondering then, huh?" Kelley attempted to say it in a joking manner but she knew that it probably sounded more pathetic than funny. 

"I’m not going to tell you how it was, if that’s what you’re trying to ask for. Tobin would probably tell you, but I instructed her not to say anything, it wouldn’t make things better for you Kelley." Christen said and Kelley sighed.

"I just want to know what it would be like, it’s not like I will ever find out." Kelley said looking down.

"You have to stop thinking about it, you’re only hurting yourself with this." Christen said voice so soft and reassuring that Kelley wanted to cry.

Theoretically she knew that Christen was right, it only made things worse to keep wondering how it would be to be with Alex, to imagine a life where things would be different, where they actually stood a chance, but what was she supposed to do about it? She couldn’t just shut out her feelings and thoughts, there was no way that she would go back to denying her feelings, she had done that for long enough in the past, she was so over having to pretend that she didn’t have feelings for Alex. 

"I know that. It’s just that I keep asking myself why she never considered doing this with me. What did you guys have that I couldn’t give her?" Kelley knew that she was about to start crying, but she desperately tried not to, almost breaking when Christen placed her hand above hers. 

"I don’t think that this has anything to do with you to be honest. What did Alex say to you about this?" Kelley looked up in surprise, how did Christen know that she talked about this with Alex? 

"Come on, you’re way too curious and we all know how talkative Alex gets when she’s drunk." Kelley smiled at the comment because Christen was right, Alex was incredibly talkative when drunk. Her gaze turned serious again when she started to talk again.

"She said she didn’t want to screw us over by having sex." 

"Oh someone with common sense, love to see it." Christen said trying hard not to laugh while Kelley shot her a glare. 

"Don’t be an ass." Kelley mumbled while Christen raised her eyebrow. 

"You know that she’s right though? It was different with me or with Tobin, there weren’t any feelings involved which made the whole casual sex thing easier. It would be different for you because you actually have feelings for her, you can’t have casual when feelings are involved someone gets hurt sooner or later."   
She knew that Christen was right and as they kept on talking Kelley slowly felt her anger subsiding, she was still hurt but she wasn’t angry at Christen anymore because this wasn’t her fault or Tobin’s or really anyone’s.   
Kelley knew that she had to accept that this was just how things were and maybe someday she would be okay with that.


	23. I have hella feelings for you I act like I don’t fucking care (cause I’m so fucking scared)

Kelley silently opened the door to their apartment, a part of her hoping that Alex was asleep again.  
This time she wasn’t so lucky, in fact Alex was standing in the hallway, looking up at her as soon as Kelley stepped inside. 

"Where were you?" Alex asked looking at Kelley with a look that Kelley couldn’t read.

"Lunch." Kelley replied putting her bag down onto the ground before she headed for the living room, Alex following behind her. 

"On your own?" She asked sounding confused. 

"No with Chris." Kelley replied while she searched for the tv remote, it wasn’t on the table where it usually was. 

"Where did you put the remote?" Kelley asked looking at Alex who was leaning against the wall. 

"It’s probably somewhere on the couch, I watched Handmaid’s Tale earlier since you where nowhere to be found." It sounded a bit accusing and Kelley didn’t like it, even though Alex kind of had a point, it had been shitty to just sneak out without informing her about any of her plans for the day. 

"Do you want to talk about what’s going on with you or am I supposed to guess?" Alex asked.

Kelley finally found the tv remote between the couch cushions and turned it on. 

"Nothing’s going on." Kelley said flopping down onto the couch gaze fixed on the tv, categorically ignoring Alex who was still leaning against the wall. 

"Oh yeah that was totally convincing. Are you mad at me?" Kelley sighed she didn’t want to talk about this but it didn’t seem like Alex was going to drop the topic anytime soon. 

"I am not mad at you, I told you that nothing is going on." She sounded annoyed which probably wasn’t helping her case but Kelley didn’t want to discuss what had happened, she was too afraid of slipping up and accidentally revealing how she really felt about Alex, it was too much of a risk.

"I heard what you said, but you’re doing a crappy job when it comes to selling it. Is this about last night?" Kelley felt her ears burn at the question because yes, it partly was but she couldn’t admit to that without having to deliver some sort of explanation because she didn’t really have a reason to be upset in the first place. 

"Alex just drop it, okay? You’re allowed to sleep with whoever you want to sleep with, I don’t care." It was a blatant lie and Kelley herself flinched a bit at how sharp her voice sounded and she didn’t dare to look over to where Alex was standing. 

"Wait that’s your problem, that I slept with Tobin and Christen?" Alex sounded confused and Kelley just wanted this conversation to stop. 

"I told you that I don’t have a problem, would you please let me watch tv in peace now?" She turned the volume up even though she knew that Alex hated it when she put the volume too high, but desperate times called for desperate measures. 

"If you don’t have a problem why are you behaving like an asshole? You know what I think it’s better if I go to Christen’s place for a while until you calm down and are willing to tell me what’s going on." Alex voice broke slightly and Kelley absolutely hated it, but it wasn’t like she could just tell Alex about her feelings so maybe she needed to play the asshole card right now. 

"Wouldn’t do that, Tobin’s visiting her." Kelley said silently.

"Well that’s even better then." Alex shot back before she was out of the room, leaving Kelley on her own, the front door slamming shut a moment later, the sound ringing in Kelley’s head. 

"Fuck." Kelley shouted angrily punching the wall with her fist, pulling back immediately, hissing as a sharp pain shot through her wrist. Then she saw the blood on her knuckles and apparently she wasn’t as invincible as she would’ve liked, her heart and knuckles obviously were proof of that.   
She felt like such an idiot, she did certainly behave like one.

Kelley sighed, she would have to bandage her hand and there would be questions asked, she knew that maybe next time she got overly emotional she should stick with shouting or screaming or crying at least none of these options left any lasting damage. 

She hurried towards the bathroom, trying to clean the wound a bit before she wrapped a bandage around her hand and went looking for an ice pack to cool it a bit. 

She was reaching into the freezer when her phone began ringing, Kelley shut the freezer without taking out the ice pack and reached for her phone that was laid down on the kitchen counter.   
She saw Christen’s number on the screen and groaned, that was the last thing she needed right now. 

"What?" She asked trying not to sound too annoyed. 

"Why is Alex at my apartment, what did you do? I kinda wanted to spend time with my girlfriend alone, you know?" If Kelley was annoyed she wasn’t sure what Christen was, she certainly did sound more than a bit annoyed which was highly unusual.

"Why don’t you ask her she’s the one at your place." Kelley replied opening the freezer again, she took out the ice pack and wrapped it into a towel before she placed it over her bandage.

"I would ask her but she’s crying and Tobin hasn’t managed to calm her down yet." Christen sounded angry now and Kelley felt even more like an asshole.

"She’s crying?" Kelley asked while she put a bit more pressure on the cooling pad, biting her lip harshly at the pain that ran through her hand. 

"Did I stutter? Seriously what did you say to her?" Christen asked voice a bit more gentle but it still sounded accusing. 

"I just told her that I didn’t want to talk about last night and she accused me of having a problem." Kelley explained with a sigh. 

"Accused you? It’s not really accusing if it’s true, is it?" Christen replied.   
Kelley rolled her eyes, she did have a point but it wasn’t like she could take it back now. 

"What was I supposed to say, Chris? It’s not like I can just say that I am in love with her and that that’s the reason why I kind of don’t want to talk about the fact that she slept with not one but two of my closest friends. So yes, I was pissed and I probably behaved a bit like an ass, but I felt kind of cornered and didn’t exactly have many options on how to handle the situation." Kelley turned the cooling pad around, it wasn’t cold enough anymore she would probably have to put it back into the freezer soon. 

"I get that it’s complicated for you, but do you really have to take it out on Alex? You know that it isn’t fair to her, she doesn’t know about your feelings so of course she doesn’t get why you’re so upset about this." 

"I know that and I honestly don’t want to blame her for any of this. I just don’t know how to deal with this situation what if Alex realizes what this is really about? She can’t know Chris, she can never know and I am so scared that she’s going to find out about my feelings." Kelley said wiping away a few tears with the back of her healthy hand. 

"So you’d rather act like you don’t care about her at all than admitting what you’re feeling?" Christen asked sounding so understanding that Kelley wanted to cry even more. 

"I don’t know what I’m supposed to do." She whispered.

"Do you need the rest of the day to figure something out? Alex can stay here over night if you need to sleep about it." Christen offered and Kelley knew that she meant it, even though Tobin was only in Salt Lake City for two days Christen was offering to sacrifice one of those two days to help her and now Kelley felt truly bad about being so pissed at her earlier. 

"No, it’s alright. I’ll come and get her in like twenty minutes." Kelley said quickly. 

It was an easy decision, she didn’t know what she would say or do to apologize to Alex yet but she would think of something because Christen was right, she couldn’t keep acting like she didn’t care it would only push Alex further away and at some point it would probably break them apart.

Kelley went back into her room, she wanted to change before driving over to Christen’s place, it would gain her some time to think about how she would apologize to Alex because she still had no clue what to say to her.   
She pulled her black shirt over her head and threw it towards her closet where her t-shirt that she had been wearing on her morning run was still laying. 

Her hand was throbbing and Kelley silently cursed herself for hitting the wall so hard it might’ve felt good in that moment when she was filled with frustration but the pain sure as hell wasn’t worth it.   
She put on a white t-shirt that was cropped before she went to look for her car keys.

Kelley felt nervous while she drove to Christen’s place, she didn’t know what to expect from this, she still didn't have a single idea what she would tell Alex she just hoped that she had stopped crying by now because Kelley wasn’t sure if she could handle knowing that she was the cause of Alex’s tears. 

The closer she got to Christen’s apartment the more nervous she felt, Alex probably didn’t even want to see her she certainly couldn’t hold it against her, she had truly behaved like an asshole.

She had expected Christen to open the door but instead she came face to face with Tobin who was frowning at her and instead of letting her step inside she pushed Kelley outside, closing the door behind the two of them. 

"Seriously dude, what did you say to her? I’ve never seen her like this she looked absolutely crushed." Tobin looked at her expectantly and Kelley felt her throat close up, she didn’t know why Alex had reacted so sensitively, it might’ve been wrong to say what she said but she couldn’t explain to herself why it had hurt Alex that much. 

"I… I just told her that she could sleep with whoever she wants to and that I don’t care. I didn’t think that it would hurt her, I just wanted to end the conversation Tobs, I swear. You know that I would never want to hurt her."  
Tobin sighed before she leaned against the hallway wall looking at Kelley in silence. 

"I know you love her way too much to hurt her on purpose but that doesn’t mean that you’re immune to hurting her. Look Alex has always felt bad about this whole experimenting thing while being with Dean which is why no one was supposed to know about this. I think this is just a very sore spot for her and she’s probably afraid that you’re gonna see her differently now." Tobin was playing with her fingers while Kelley buried her head inside her hands. 

"She felt bad about sleeping with someone else while being with Dean and I basically tell her that I don’t care about who she’s sleeping with, making it sound like she’s sleeping around. God, I’m such an idiot."   
Tobin placed her hand on Kelley’s shoulder giving it a gentle squeeze while she shook her head. 

"No you’re not. You were hurt and said some shitty things that hurt her way more than you could’ve expected. Stuff like that happens when you keep stuff from each other, you’ll both get over it."   
When Tobin said it like that everything sounded so simple but Kelley doubted that this was just something that they could forget about.

"You know, don’t you?" Kelley asked and Tobin shrugged her shoulders looking at her with a small smile. 

"Chris told me, I probably would’ve killed you otherwise but honestly, I should’ve known and maybe I kind of suspected something but I didn’t want to make any assumptions."  
Kelley nodded slowly, she didn’t mind that Christen had told Tobin, she honestly thought that she had told her a long time ago and Tobin had just decided to never say anything about it. 

"You know that you can always talk about this with me, right? Like I love Alex and I am absolutely willing to hurt whoever hurts her but the same goes for you and I need you to know that." Tobin said sounding way more serious than she usually was and Kelley just nodded her head completely stunned. 

"Can I ask you something?" Kelley asked chewing on her lower lip while Tobin raised her eyebrow. 

"If you want to know how it was, you know that I’m not supposed to answer that." Kelley laughed, she didn’t really feel like laughing in the moment but she could imagine very vividly how Christen had instructed Tobin not to say anything. 

"I just want to know when, Alex said when you were playing for Portland but that’s like a three year timeframe and… you didn’t do this for three years, did you?" She looked at Tobin scared that it actually lasted for three years but Tobin quickly shook her head. 

"No, it was for like three months I think, back in 2013 when I went back and forth between Thorns and PSG. I don’t know what Alex told you but it really was just casual and I know I should’ve told you but I wanted to respect Alex’s wishes on that matter as well and she made me swear that I wouldn’t tell anyone…" Tobin looked at her worried and Kelley realized that she was afraid of her reaction which was also the moment in which Kelley realized that she wasn’t angry anymore, not at Tobin, not at Christen and most certainly not at Alex. 

"I get it you promised her and you didn’t know about my feelings back then. I can’t and don’t want to hold that against you." Tobin nodded before she hesitated.

"So we’re still cool?" She bit her lower lip and Kelley smiled while she nodded her head. 

"Yes we are. Do you think I could go inside now, talk to Alex?" Tobin looked back at the door like she was thinking about wether or not that was a good idea before she turned to look at Kelley again. 

"I don’t know, she still was pretty shaken when you arrived." Kelley nodded if she had to she would wait outside for the entire night, she just wanted things to be okay again. 

"Come on, we’ll go look." Tobin said with a sigh before she unlocked the door letting Kelley step inside the apartment. 

"Chris are you still in the living room?" Tobin called out.

"Yes, we’re here." Christen replied and Tobin motioned towards the living room with her head, Kelley nodding before she started walking towards the living room door. 

Alex was curled up on the couch and it looked like she was sleeping, Christen sat next to her and looked up as soon as Kelley walked into the room. 

"Take my place, but be silent she just fell asleep. We’re gonna give you guys some space." Christen whispered, Kelley nodding hesitantly.   
She walked over to the couch switching places with Christen who hurried out of the room, probably joining Tobin who was still waiting in the corridor.

Kelley watched over Alex who was sleeping so peacefully that Kelley wanted to stay like this forever.   
She looked like everything was alright, like they never got into a fight in the first place like Kelley’s words hadn’t hurt her.

"Kel?" Kelley flinched not having expected Alex to wake up so soon. 

"Hey there." She said silently looking back at Alex who sleepily rubbed over her eyes. 

"You’re here." Her voice was raspier than usual, it probably was due to the sleep but Kelley couldn’t help but wonder if it was partly because of all the crying.

"Of course I am, I still need to apologize, don’t I?" She offered Alex a small smile who to her surprise shook her head. 

"No, you don’t. I pushed you to talk to me when you clearly didn’t want to. I should’ve respected your decision not to talk, you were basically just defending yourself."

"I still said some pretty shitty stuff, so I do want to apologize. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, I was mad and I took it out on you when I shouldn’t have." Kelley reached for Alex’s hand who quickly intertwined their fingers, smiling up at Kelley softly. 

"Doesn’t matter now, we both had a pretty shitty day and a bit too much alcohol last night and it got to our heads." Kelley nodded, feeling relieved that at least that problem seemed to be history.

"What happened to your hand?" Alex asked in that moment looking worried at the bandage that was wrapped around Kelley’s hand. 

"I might’ve punched a wall." Kelley said embarrassed as Alex chuckled. 

"What did that poor wall do to you?" She asked with a grin while Kelley groaned. 

"Ugh nothing I was just mad at myself for snapping at you." She explained and watched as a grin spread over Alex’s face. 

"So that’s what they mean when they say get you a girl who’d punch a hole through the wall for you." Kelley blushed furiously and quickly tried to overplay it by saying "I don’t think that’s how the saying goes."

"I have to ask, is our living room wall still intact or did you really punch a hole into the wall?" Alex asked clearly amused by the situation and Kelley couldn’t help but laugh as well. 

"I don’t think that I’m strong enough to actually punch a hole into those walls, they are pretty stable." 

"Well you are pretty stubborn, I’m sure that wall has nothing on you." Alex said with a smile on her face as she reached out for Kelley’s bandaged hand. 

"Does it hurt?" Alex asked as she met Kelley’s gaze who was about to reply when the apartment door was opened. 

"We’re back and we brought food!" Tobin shouted and a few seconds later they heard a loud "Ouch, what the hell." coming from the corridor.  
Christen peeked inside the room. 

"Oh good, you’re awake again, Tobs didn’t wake you, did she?" 

Alex shook her head with a smile before she replied.   
"No, I woke up like five minutes ago. What was that part about bringing food because I am starving." Christen laughed, Tobin appearing next to her in the doorframe with a bag that was filled with take out food. 

"We even bought you some vegan stuff." She said making a face that made Kelley laugh and Alex frown while Christen just shook her head at her girlfriend. 

"Everything alright between the two of you?" Christen asked while Tobin dropped into one of the armchairs, sighing contently while she unpacked one of the take out boxes. 

"Great, I really hate to do this but I have to throw the two of you out now because we are in desperate need of alone time and since you fixed things you clearly don’t need us anymore. Here take those and then go back to your own apartment." Christen said a big smile plastered onto her face, making both Kelley and Alex wonder how someone could look so harmless and friendly while sounding absolutely threatening. 

"Alright, we’re leaving have a nice night, don’t stay up too late." Alex said jokingly earning her a glare from Christen and a "Yes mom." from Tobin.

They all hugged each other goodbye before Kelley and Alex headed down to the car with their takeout boxes. 

"Toss me the car keys." Alex said once they arrived at the car, Kelley throwing her an irritated look. 

"What, you’re not driving with that hand at least not as long as I am here." Kelley knew that there was no need to argue, Alex would insist on driving so she just accepted her fate and threw the keys to Alex who caught them with a grin before she walked over to the driver’s side, Kelley heading for the passenger seat. 

"Movie night when we get home?" Alex asked as she started the car and Kelley smiled. 

"Do you even have to ask?"


	24. how can you be too blind to see (the girl who stands before you who wants you more than anything)

It was on a Saturday morning, Kelley was sitting in the kitchen and brewing some coffee when she heard a knock on the apartment door, which was strange considering that it was still really early and she didn’t expect anyone.

Well Alex regularly forgot her key, Kelley thought, but it couldn’t be her because she had flown out to L.A. the previous night to surprise Dean and told her that she wouldn’t be back until Monday morning.

Kelley shouted "Be there in a minute." before she filled her mug with coffee and slowly wandered from the kitchen to the front door. 

Kelley expected a lot of things but she certainly didn’t expect a crying Alex standing in front of the door. 

"Al, what happened, what are you doing here I thought you’re in L.A.?" Kelley asked before she took Alex’s hand and gently guided her inside because no one needed to see her like this, eyes all red and puffy.

Kelley thought that she’d rather have whatever conversation was going to happen within their own four walls because clearly something bad must’ve happened.

She took the small bag that Alex took with her when she left the day before and set it down onto the floor, never letting go of Alex’s hand, leading her into the living room. 

Alex sat down on the couch, still not having said a word and Kelley kneeled down in front of her, looking at her with concern in her eyes, but not saying anything because Alex clearly needed some time and she was going to give her that. 

When Alex still hadn’t said a word after fifteen minutes Kelley felt her legs growing tired from the position she was in, so she pushed herself up and sat down next to Alex, putting her arm around her best friend, Alex immediately leaning into her touch, resting her head against Kelley’s shoulder, sobbing quietly.

Kelley was getting a bit scared, she had no idea what happened but if it made Alex cry that hard it must’ve been bad and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to know.

Alex’s sobs were slowly getting quieter, Kelley’s t-shirt was absolutely soaked at this point, but that didn’t matter, she was just happy that Alex was slowly calming down. 

Once Alex stopped crying Kelley pulled back from the hug waiting for Alex to look at her. 

"I… I just wanted to surprise him and he got so mad that I didn’t call about coming. He said that he wasn’t in the mood to see me and that I could get a hotel room if I wanted to stay in L.A. for a few days but that I shouldn’t expect to spend time with him during that time because he’s way too busy with this new project of his right now." Alex’s voice was barely louder than a whisper and she looked so broken.  
Kelley wanted to punch Dean, she wanted to do a lot of things to him and none of them were good. 

"How dare he act like that, what is wrong with him?!" Kelley said instead, having to hold back in order not to sound absolutely furious. 

"Kel, it’s not his fault I… I should’ve told him that I was planning to fly over." Kelley stared at Alex as if she had lost her mind, she couldn’t be serious about this.   
Dean was treating her like shit and she somehow was still putting up a fight and was even blaming herself for stuff that was clearly his fault. 

"Alex, he’s being an absolute and complete asshole, how can you defend him right now?" Kelley asked trying not to let the rage that she was feeling right now get to her, which proved to be quite difficult. 

"He’s my husband, what do you expect me to do?" Alex asked defeatedly, but there was also anger in her voice which didn’t go unnoticed by Kelley. 

"I don’t know, Al. Maybe you should realize that he isn’t the guy you married anymore, I honestly don’t know what he ever did to win you over because he most certainly comes off as a douchebag at every possible opportunity." Kelley knew that she was overdoing it and that she was setting herself up for an argument but she was so mad that Alex let those kind of things always slide when it came to Dean.   
He was being an ass and Alex forgave him every single time, no matter what he did. 

"He is my husband, could you maybe stop talking about him like he’s the worst person on earth?" Alex asked her blue eyes filled with anger, but Kelley was never one to back down from a fight.

"God you can be so infuriating sometimes." She said pushing her hair out of her face shaking her head at Alex.

"What are you even talking about, I don’t get what your problem is." Alex said clearly frustrated with the situation.

"You truly don’t get it, do you?" Kelley almost shouted, she had enough of this, she was sick of seeing Dean step all over Alex’s feeling at every opportunity and Alex just accepting it like it was no big deal. 

"Get what, Kelley? I mean I know that you’re not a big fan of Dean, but what I don’t get is why." Alex looked at her in confusion, clearly not understanding what this was about. 

"He is never there for you and most of the time it seems like he doesn’t even care. He expects you to do everything for him and you never get anything in return." Kelley replied and she knew that she was being too loud, things were getting way too heated and she had the bad feeling that this was going to escalate rather quickly.

"Why does that bother you, maybe I am okay with things being like that." Alex was tearing up again and Kelley shook her head in disappointment, how could Alex ever think that any of this was even remotely okay?

"I’m in love with you, okay? I’ve been in love with you for ten fucking years and it hurts me to see you being treated like this, Alex. Because you deserve the world and he gives you absolutely nothing and it drives me mad. So no, I don’t particularly like Dean and it’s not about me being in love with you, it’s about me wanting someone for you who makes you happy and I don’t think that he does. If you can look me in the eyes and genuinely tell me that he is what you want and that he makes you feel loved and appreciated then I’m fine with it, but if you can’t tell me that, I’m going to continue to tell you that I don’t think that he’s good for you or deserves you." 

"You… You’re in love with me?" Alex jumped up from the couch, stumbling backwards staring at Kelley like she was a complete stranger and despite the sharp pain that was rushing through Kelley at her reaction she couldn’t back down now, it was already too late anyways so she could just tell Alex the whole truth.

"Of course I am, I’ve always been and honestly, how couldn’t I? You‘re the most captivating person I‘ve ever met and I love every single thing about you.  
You’re such a leader Alex, not everyone could step into a position like that because leading is hard, you have to carry so much weight on your shoulders and all eyes are constantly on you. We both know how it feels to be criticized constantly and I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you because you are the face of the team and no one ever stops at just judging the way you play. I don’t know how you do it, how you handle all of that, I think none of us truly understand how you’re doing it, maybe that is what makes you such a good captain, I just know that every single one of us would blindly follow you into a fight because we know that you‘re always going to fight for every single one of us. You would never leave someone behind, it doesn‘t matter how hopeless things might seem, you‘ll keep fighting until the last minute even if you get injured, you keep on fighting, I guess that’s one of those traits that we share and I respect that so much.   
But that’s not everything, it doesn’t even begin to cover everything that I love about you, you‘re so inspiring because you speak up for what you believe in and that‘s so rare nowadays and I know that you often get shit for it, but you don‘t let that get you down no matter how bad it gets and that‘s not just impressive, it‘s also very brave and I don‘t know if I could handle it like you do to be honest, so that‘s one of the many things I truly admire about you.   
When you set your mind onto something you want to achieve it and you just won’t stop until you get there and that level of competitiveness isn’t always a good thing, but you somehow make it appear charming. I’ve seen you crumble under the pressure you put yourself into though and I am so scared that it’s going to happen again, because I don’t want to see you in such pain ever again. You’re freaking stubborn and I know that I could never change that, but I don’t want to, I just want to hold you whenever you’re panicking and when it feels like you can’t breathe properly because you once again pushed yourself too hard.  
I love how important your family is to you and how you act around your niece because I swear it’s the most endearing thing I’ve ever witnessed.  
And I‘m not saying that you‘re perfect because you aren‘t, but I even love the things that annoy me about you, like the way you act a bit childish when someone tells you what to do or when someone acts like they know better than you do, the way you storm off whenever someone starts an argument, that little frown that you get when someone is annoying you or how you get all sarcastic when you talk about people that you dislike.   
I know that you tend to run away from your problems and your feelings, but that‘s alright because in the end you always realize that eventually you have to talk about it and it‘s okay to take your time if you‘re not ready to face things right off the bat.   
I love your loyalty, your passion, your determination. I love how stubborn you are and how competitive.  
I love everything about you, Alex, I love your blue eyes and how they sparkle in the sunlight, how they remind me of the ocean or one of those beautiful, crystal clear mountain lakes.   
I absolutely hate how you never allow yourself to cry in front of others because you desperately want to seem like the strong one who stays unfazed by everything, because you don‘t always have to be strong, you‘re allowed to cry, but I love the determination that it‘s rooted in and I could go on all day, list all the things that I love about you, but what I‘m really trying to say is that you deserve someone who is willing to appreciate you, someone who loves you unconditionally and I‘m not telling you that I want to be that person or that I can be that person, I just need you to know that someone out there is willing to be all that for you. I know that I would be, if that were what you wanted. You deserve the world and there are people out there who are willing to give it to you, so why are you settling for something less?"   
Kelley stopped, unable to say more, the tears that were running down her face made it hard to breathe or see. 

She heard Alex sob quietly and realized that she was sitting down against the wall, legs hugged tightly to her body. 

"Why do you let him do these things to you, Alex? I don’t get it." Kelley cried out, desperate for Alex to get out of this situation, she didn’t care what it would cost her, she just needed Alex to stay away from Dean because she knew that he would destroy her eventually and she couldn’t bare the thought of it. 

"I... I‘m sorry I can‘t do this right now." Alex stammered in between sobs, while Kelley buried her head inside her hands, not knowing what else to say or do. 

"Ten years?" Alex whispered and Kelley’s gaze snapped up, she couldn’t see Alex properly her gaze too hazed by her own tears. 

"Roughly…" Kelley whispered and closed her eyes, waiting for a reaction from Alex. She flinched when she heard the door being slammed, realizing that Alex must’ve just left. 

That was probably all the reaction she needed to know that she had just ruined things for them.


	25. I can’t promise you that I’ll be waiting (but for you I’ll leave anything behind)

Kelley was sitting in the kitchen, an empty glass that was once filled with Tequila in front of her, contemplating on wether she should have a refill or not.

She had stopped crying at some point, not because she felt better she certainly didn’t but the Tequila had kind of numbed things down for her a bit and it at least gave her the illusion that she could momentarily forget about Alex and what had happened. 

She had just reached for the bottle when she heard the front door opening and then closing again, Kelley quickly setting the bottle aside, holding her breath. 

She heard steps approaching, Alex was clearly heading for the kitchen.

Kelley felt tired, it had to be around three a.m. but she had refused to go to bed before Alex returned and now she was wondering if that was the wrong decision. 

Suddenly the kitchen lights went on and Kelley blinked in confusion her eyes slowly adjusting to the sudden brightness. 

"Jesus Kel, why are you sitting in the dark kitchen at almost four?" Alex said and apparently it was later than Kelley thought.

"Waiting for you obviously." Kelley said while she hoped that her voice didn’t sound as shaky as she thought it did. 

Alex looked back at her nervously chewing on her lower lip, just standing in the doorframe like she wasn’t sure wether she should come inside or turn around and run away, a sentiment that Kelley shared. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kelley asked before a yawn escaped her mouth.

"I don‘t think that I‘m ready for that right now." Alex replied sounding distant which was unsettling for Kelley, it was like she saw Alex slipping away unable to do anything about it. 

"But we will talk about it, right? We‘re not just going to ignore what I said because it makes things easier?" Kelley needed to know if this was the end of them, needed to know if Alex was going to leave, if she had broken their friendship into pieces by revealing her feelings. 

"Kelley... please, can we just drop it?" Alex asked tiredly pushing back some hair that had fallen into her face as she made her way over to the fridge, taking out a water bottle before she spun it around in her hands then she set it down on the counter before she started to fidget with her hands nervously.

"I don‘t think that we should." Kelley replied stubbornly noticing how Alex clenched her hand into a fist, a clear sign that she was getting fed up, but they had to talk about this, there was no way that Kelley was giving in and letting this conversation slide, it was a conversation that they needed to have and deep down Alex had to know that, she just needed her to realize that. 

"I don‘t want to talk about it." Alex said sharply throwing a slight glare into Kelley’s direction, at least it was some kind of eye contact, even though it wasn’t the kind of eye contact that Kelley would’ve wanted. 

"For god‘s sake, Alex. I don‘t need you to tell me that you don‘t feel the same way, I know that, okay. But I need you to tell me that you understood what I said." Alex leaned against the kitchen counter looking down at the floor once again avoiding to look at Kelley.

"What do you want me to say, Kelley? I am married, don‘t you get that?" She asked briefly looking up.

"See, that‘s exactly the problem. You don‘t say that you’re in love with him, you always say but I am married. Are you even in love with him anymore or are you just holding onto something that has been over for a long time?" Kelley regretted it the moment she said it, clearly seeing the hurt that flashed over Alex’s face before it turned to anger.

"I don‘t think that this is any of your business to be honest." Alex said pushing herself away from the kitchen counter, turning to leave but Kelley wasn’t going to let her walk away again, this was a fight that they had to have eventually and maybe it was better to have it rather sooner than later.

"Oh isn‘t it? Because if I remember correctly I‘m the one who‘s there whenever you‘re crying because Dean screwed up again. I am always there, Alex and I don‘t need this to be romantic because I‘m not expecting anything from you, but don‘t you dare push me away because you don‘t like what I‘m saying when you know deep down that there is some truth to it. So no, it wasn‘t my business originally, but you dragged me into this and I won‘t run away."   
Alex froze, slowly turning around to look at Kelley a variety of emotions crossing over her face.

"Why won‘t you just accept that this is how things are? God you‘re so stubborn and hard headed." She said slightly shaking her head.

"Because things don‘t have to be this way! It breaks my heart how you‘re being treated and that you seem to think that you deserve to be treated like this. You deserve someone who cherishes you, not someone who lets you fly across the country just to leave you standing alone. You deserve someone who‘s willing to fight for you and I am more than ready to do that. I don‘t care if I don‘t get something in return, I‘m going to prove to you that you are worth fighting for, that you deserve all the love in the world. You can go ahead and run away, because it doesn‘t matter how much you try to push me away, I‘m not going anywhere. Being in love isn‘t about getting something in return, it‘s about loving someone despite the fact that they might not love you back. It‘s being willing to fight for someone unconditionally even when it breaks your heart and I am so in love with you, sometimes it feels like this feeling is going to kill me, but it doesn‘t matter because you‘re worth it and if I had the opportunity to change the way I feel, I wouldn‘t take it." Kelley was crying at this point all the frustration and heartbreak was just too much, she was so angry at Alex for not wanting to talk and mostly of all at herself for getting so heated up about things and telling Alex how she felt. 

She heard Alex sigh before she stepped closer placing her hand on Kelley’s shoulder which felt awkward in the moment and Kelley absolutely hated it, hated the thought that every touch from now on was going to feel awkward, that she would probably have to think twice about every single thing she was going to say from now on.

"Kelley please stop crying. We shouldn’t be discussing this right now, it’s late. Can’t we just pretend that this whole conversation didn’t happen?" She sounded almost as desperate as Kelley felt.

Kelley wiped away the tears quickly before she jumped up from the bar chair, Alex’s hand slipping from her shoulder when Kelley turned around to look at her eyes still filled with tears and she noticed that Alex was on the verge of crying as well.

Kelley wished that there was something, just anything that she could say just to make things between them okay or really just better than they were right in this moment, but she couldn’t think of a single thing to say to make them feel alright so she just went with the truth instead. 

"No we can’t Alex and to be honest I don’t want to act like it never happened. Pretending doesn’t change anything, I will still be in love with you even if you act like I never told you." She saw how Alex’s whole posture stiffened when she said that she was in love with her and Kelley felt her heart break all over again.

"I have to go." Alex said turning away from Kelley who was slowly getting fed up by her best friend’s behavior, running away didn’t do them any good it was just building up tension that eventually would come crashing down at them.

"You just got back, it’s four a.m. where could you possibly have to be at? Stop running from your problems for once in your life Alex. This doesn’t just resolve itself like you want it to." Kelley said shaking her head in disappointment, unable to hide the anger that she felt bubbling up. 

She didn’t get it, she understood that Alex was probably confused and upset with her but that didn’t mean that they shouldn’t be talking about this.   
They had to talk about what this meant for them because at this point Kelley honestly couldn’t tell what her revelation meant for their friendship or what was left of it. 

"Anywhere but here." Alex whispered so quietly that Kelley almost didn’t hear it, her words cutting through Kelley like a knife. 

"Wow, I guess you really should go then. I’ll just wait here in case that you want to come back or something, I would always wait." Kelley sat back down on the chair she had been on for the last few hours waiting for Alex to leave, Alex who was now looking at her with worry in her eyes, like she was contemplating on wether she should stay or go.

"I… I’m going to bed. You should go to sleep as well, we’ll talk tomorrow." Kelley thought that this was better than nothing, at least Alex didn’t seem totally appalled by her suddenly, she did still care about her which probably was more than Kelley could ask for at that point but it didn’t make things hurt any less. 

She also knew that they weren’t going to talk and that Alex was just trying to make her feel better about this, it wasn’t working.

"Kelley?" Alex voice was soft and Kelley shuddered slightly at the sound of her voice trying to pull herself together and make her voice sound like it wasn’t about to break.

"What?" One word answers were slightly easier than having to form a whole sentence and it seemed to work for the moment.

"Would you really wait for me?" Alex words were barely louder than a whisper but Kelley heard them loud and clear, it was like they were echoing from the walls of their shared kitchen.

Kelley thought about it for a few seconds, realizing that she couldn’t wait for Alex forever that eventually she would have to move on and settle for someone else, but she also knew that Alex would always be the one to own her heart, that she would drop anyone the second that Alex decided that she wanted to give it a try and maybe that was the same thing as being ready to wait forever.

Her back was turned towards Alex, it would’ve been easy to lie and say that she didn’t mean it, it certainly would have been easier than straight up lying to her face but Kelley was sick of pretending, she wouldn’t act like this wasn’t a thing that was going to last. 

Her feelings wouldn’t just go away and she knew that, maybe it was time for Alex to know about that. 

"Do you even have to ask?" Her back was still turned towards Alex so she only noticed her presence when Alex spun the bar chair around so that Kelley was facing her, lifting Kelley’s chin with her finger so that she was looking at her, Kelley almost flinching away at the touch.

Kelley held her breath holding the eye contact even though she desperately wanted to turn away.   
It was the first time that she wanted to run away from Alex’s touch it felt like too much to bare in that moment, how Alex’s blue eyes were glistening slightly as she simply looked at Kelley like she was searching for something that she couldn’t find. 

Suddenly Alex’s hand wasn’t on her chin anymore, the forward turning away and basically racing towards the door, slamming it shut a few seconds later, leaving Kelley on her own once again, face buried inside her hands because what the hell was that.


	26. screw this I don’t wanna let it go

The weeks went by and they still hadn’t talked about it, Kelley tried to get Alex on her own on several occasions but it seemed like lately Alex was very determined to have either their teammates over or spend time at the gym or wherever she was going when she wasn’t home. 

Kelley was getting incredibly frustrated with the whole situation, she wanted to talk about this, how they were supposed to move on from this, but Alex didn’t seem to want that, avoiding her at all cost.

She increased her own time at the gym, training took her thoughts off of things at least for a little while, it was the only time of the day where she could pretend that things were okay, that it didn’t feel like her world came crashing down around her. 

Christen had noticed that something was wrong within the first week of Kelley telling Alex about her feelings, she had tried to ask Kelley what had happened multiple times but Kelley somehow always managed to dodge the question, even though she was sure that by now her friend must’ve figured out what was going on and as the weeks passed by the looks that Christen threw her grew more and more worried.

Kelley knew that eventually she would have to talk about it with someone and she knew that it would likely turn out to be Christen, but she wasn’t ready.

She didn’t even get the chance to really talk it out with Alex yet and it felt wrong to pull someone else into this when she didn’t even know what was happening herself. 

Kelley slammed the fridge door closed in frustration, setting the water bottle down on the table so hard that it almost shattered, not that she would’ve cared.

Alex wasn’t home, as usual but when she left two days ago she had a bag packed which was unusual and Kelley suspected that she had flown out to Los Angeles to visit Dean, a fact that Kelley surely didn’t want to spend too much thought on. 

She thought about going to the gym, it wasn’t like she had any plans for the day, her other options were pretty much narrowed down to Netflix and sulking about her unrequited feelings which was something that she was slowly getting sick of. 

Kelley headed for her bedroom to get changed, maybe some running would do her good.  
She was about to head out when the front door was unlocked and Alex stepped inside with her bag thrown over her shoulder, stopping dead in her tracks when she spotted Kelley who was bent over to tie her shoelaces. 

"Uhm hey, I’m back." Alex said dropping her bag onto the floor carelessly before she looked at Kelley nervously.

"Are you heading out?" She asked as Kelley nodded slowly, before she added  
"Yes, I was going for a run. Do you want to join me?" 

Alex vehemently shook her head and Kelley sighed because of course she didn’t want to, how could Alex possibly want to spend time with her? 

"Okay, I’ll be back in thirty minutes or something." She’s had enough of this, Kelley was tired of fighting this fight on her own, tired of Alex constantly deflecting her attempts at a normal conversation so for once she took the easy way out and ran, quite literally. 

It felt good to get her mind off of things for a little while, the music of her headphones was at full volume to drown out her thoughts and for the first ten minutes or so it worked out well until her mind started to drift back to Alex.

Kelley tried to shake the thought away, she didn’t need to think about Alex right now, she was always thinking about her and training time was supposed to be her much needed time for herself with no thoughts about her best friend. 

She stopped at a park bench, doing some stretching exercises before she continued with her run, eventually going back to their apartment, wondering if Alex was still there or if she had decided to spend her time elsewhere again. 

She found Alex sitting in the living room, wrapped into a blanket while some Netflix show was playing in the background but Alex didn’t seem too focused on it.   
As soon as she saw Kelley she jumped up, turning the tv off.

"You can have the tv if you want to…" Alex said silently trying to push past Kelley who blocked the door with her body, not letting Alex pass through.

"Are you going to avoid me forever or will you eventually be able to talk about this?" Kelley asked searching for Alex’s gaze who looked down at the floor, as was her usual reaction lately. 

"I‘m not avoiding you." Alex tried to argue, probably knowing that it was anything but believable and Kelley just scoffed at her reaction. 

"Yes you are and I‘m getting sick of it. We‘re adults, there‘s no need to act like two teenagers who are too shy to talk about their feelings." Alex was still staring down at the floor as Kelley slowly stepped aside, hoping that Alex wouldn’t run at the first chance that she got. 

Alex didn’t move instead she even briefly met Kelley’s gaze before her gaze returned back to the floor.  
"I just think that it‘s better for both of us to maintain some space. I don‘t want to hurt your feelings." Alex said voice shaking slightly while Kelley stared at her best friend, processing her words because she had to be kidding her. 

"Are you being serious right now? I didn‘t fall in love with you a week or two ago, I‘ve been in love with you for ten years, believe me when I say that I can handle it. I won‘t pretend that it doesn‘t sting sometimes, but you know what truly hurts? You thinking that avoiding me somehow makes me feel any better about this." Kelley didn’t want to cry, she’s cried enough because of this and she was sick and tired of it but she already felt the tears rising up again.

"Kelley, I didn‘t mean to..." Alex started but Kelley interrupted her quickly.

"No, stop talking and just listen. I told you that I don‘t expect anything from you and I meant that. I told you that I‘m willing to fight for you and that it doesn‘t matter that I will always just be your best friend. Despite me telling you that I‘m sticking around no matter what, you decided to basically drop me without any kind of warning and now you‘re seriously telling me that you did it to protect my feelings? That‘s bullshit and we both know it, so what‘s really going on? And don‘t even try to lie to me, because I might be in love with you but I won‘t let you treat me like this." Alex finally looked up to meet her gaze pained expression in her eyes that made Kelley’s heart stop for a few seconds.

"Dean wants me to switch to Portland." Alex said and it’s not like Kelley hadn’t expected it, the season was coming to an end and she knew that Alex would likely get other offers but some part of her had foolishly hoped that she would stay with the Royals for longer, well at least she had hoped that back when Alex didn’t know about her feelings.

"Oh." Is all that Kelley managed to say as she felt a sharp pain in her chest, it was over, Alex was going to switch teams again and she wouldn’t be able to convince her to stay now that she knew about her feelings. 

She couldn’t force her to stay and she didn’t want to, because this was always going to be Alex‘s decision to make which didn’t make it hurt any less for Kelley.

She knew that eventually she had to let her go and move on with her life she had just hoped that there would be more time to fix things between them and now it seemed like the only chance she got at that was swimming away. 

"I‘m not leaving." Alex said and Kelley‘s eyes widened in surprise because that certainly was the last thing that she had expected to hear.

She wanted to ask why, the words already on the tip of her tongue but Alex was faster, delivering the next sentence that Kelley never thought she would hear. 

"And… I’m filing for divorce." The words were only whispered but Kelley heard them echoing in her head, not quite able to process what Alex had just told her.  
There were tears in Alex’s eyes and Kelley wanted to hug her but she wasn’t sure if that was appropriate for them anymore so she just stared back at Alex.

"I just needed you to know. I should go." Alex turned to go, Kelley reached out and grabbed her wrist without thinking about it too much, Alex ripping her hand away from Kelley letting out a strange sound before she looked back at Kelley with a panicked expression crossing over her face. 

Kelley reacted promptly, pulling Alex’s sleeve up slightly gasping in shock as she spotted the dark bruise forming on Alex’s wrist.

"Kel…" Alex sounded panicked as Kelley met her gaze.

"What did he do to you?" Kelley asked feeling fury rise up in her stomach that was only softened by the fear in Alex’s eyes.

"I… we… He didn’t take it very well." Alex whispered tears springing to her eyes as Kelley clenched her hands into fists, fingers digging so deep into the flesh that the skin tore. 

"I’m going to kill that bastard." She said through gritted teeth and she meant it, how could he possibly dare to lay a single hand onto Alex? How could he ever hurt her, what kind of human being was he that he thought that it was okay to hurt her. 

"Kelley, please don’t. This is all my fault." Alex cried out and Kelley feared that she was going to collapse, she certainly looked like her legs weren’t going to carry her for much longer so Kelley did the only thing she could think of, she wrapped her arms protectively around Alex, who let herself fall into her arms.

Kelley slowly guided them over to the couch as Alex began sobbing, once again drenching her t-shirt in tears but this time it was so much worse than all the previous times and Kelley knew that Dean would have to pay for this. 

"It’s alright, you’re alright you are safe here." Kelley whispered soothingly rubbing circles over Alex’s back and she hoped desperately that she was right, that Alex would be okay because the bruise on Alex’s wrist looked nasty and Kelley didn’t want to think about it, didn’t really want to know if there were more bruises.

Suddenly Alex’s lips were on hers, incredibly soft and Kelley felt the taste of her salty tears, eyes widening in shock. 

She pushed Alex back softly without second guessing it, she was vulnerable right now and this wasn’t a good idea. 

Alex looked back at her with tears in her eyes that were red and puffy and she looked so broken, Kelley just wanted to make her feel better but she didn’t know how. 

"Fuck, I’m sorry you don’t want this, you don’t want me I’m such a mess and you deserve so much better than that." Alex cried as Kelley shook her head cause it couldn’t have been any further from the truth. 

She wanted Alex, she would always want Alex but she knew that now wasn’t the right time, at least in theory she knew that.   
Alex was vulnerable right now and it wasn’t the right time, she had just told her that she was filing for divorce and she clearly wasn’t in a good place and Kelley wanted to make her feel better but she wanted to do it in the right way. 

"Alex that’s not it and you know it." Kelley whispered as she looked into Alex’s eyes trying to give her some kind of reassurance. 

"How could you Kel, how could anyone possibly want me after what happened?" Kelley shook her head this was bad, really bad and she knew that proving a point wouldn’t fix anything but nevertheless she leaned in slowly hesitantly looking down at Alex’s lips before she looked up into Alex’s eyes again. 

"Can I?" Kelley asked as Alex nodded slowly.  
It was all the confirmation that Kelley needed before she leaned in, connecting their lips for the second time that day. 

She was gentle, almost afraid that she would scare Alex away so when Alex deepened the kiss Kelley was taken completely by surprise.

It wasn’t rough or anything but the way Alex kissed was firm and determined and filled with much more confidence than Kelley would’ve expected. 

Alex pulled back from the kiss looking at Kelley. 

"Was that alright?" She asked chewing on her lower lip nervously while Kelley let out a chuckle. 

"Yeah, more than alright actually." She said leaning her forehead against Alex’s.

"Do you want to keep going?" Alex whispered in that moment and Kelley’s eyes widened, because what the hell were they doing here? 

Alex took her reaction the wrong way quickly pulling back, hurt flashing over her face again and Kelley couldn’t bare the sight of it anymore. 

"Maybe we shouldn’t be doing this right now, you’re going trough a lot right now and I don’t want to take advantage of you when you’re vulnerable." 

"I don’t think that you’re the one who’s taking advantage of things right now to be honest." Alex whispered and Kelley thought that maybe she was right, this clearly wasn’t going anywhere it wasn’t like Alex would magically develop feelings for her.

Kelley briefly thought back to her conversation with Christen, remembering that she had realized that just sex with Alex wasn’t an option but right now she felt tempted to throw that sentiment over board. 

"Just let me take care of you for once, Alex." Kelley said bringing their lips back together again, Alex letting her take the lead as Kelley slowly pushed her back onto the couch.

"You’re worth so much more than you give yourself credit for and I need you to understand that." Kelley whispered against Alex’s lips between kisses.

"You couldn’t possibly want me after everything that happened." Alex said a single tear running down her cheek.

"Please let yourself be loved for once Alex, please." Kelley said silently looking into Alex’s eyes that were filled with so much pain that it broke Kelley’s heart because she didn’t deserve any of the things that had happened to her, she deserved to be loved unconditionally, not being mistreated by someone like Dean.

"I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve you, Kelley." Alex looked back at Kelley biting her lip as Kelley shook her head because that wasn’t true and even if it were she couldn’t care less.

"You do, I’ll show you."

She knew that it was a bad idea and that it’s the last thing that they should’ve been doing but they were way past that, past the point where they could turn around.

Kelley knew that it was likely to be a one time thing and in that moment she was okay with that, all that counted was that she would make Alex feel better that Alex would finally understand that she was worth it, that she deserved all the love in the world and that Kelley was more than willing to give her that.   
Alex nodded slowly, giving Kelley permission who smiled at her before she took Alex’s hand. 

"Bedroom?" She asked getting another nod from Alex. 

"Come here." Kelley whispered before she lifted Alex up gently, carrying her over to her bedroom before she lowered the forward down onto the bed, following after her. 

"Is that okay?" She whispered before she gently leaned down to kiss Alex.

"Hmmm very okay." Alex mumbled against her lips her hands landing on Kelley’s hips who smiled into the kiss. 

Alex attempted to spin them around but Kelley pushed her back onto the mattress shaking her head.   
"This is about you don’t worry about me right now, okay?" Alex nodded even though there was some hesitation in her gaze. 

"If you want to stop at any time tell me, okay? I’m not going to do anything that you don’t want or don’t feel comfortable with or…" Kelley was cut off when Alex dragged her back down into another kiss. 

Kelley let her hand slip under Alex’s sweater letting her hands roam over Alex’s abs who moaned in appreciation deepening the kiss even more. 

"Can I take it off?" Kelley asked tugging at the sweater slightly as Alex nodded her head.

"Sit up." Kelley said kneeling over Alex who followed after her, never breaking their kiss as Kelley pulled her sweater up slowly.   
Alex pulled back from the kiss both of them catching their breath as Alex fell back down onto the mattress, it was also the moment that Kelley got a good view of her arm and gasped in shock. 

"Al…" Alex looked back at her whispering "It’s not important right now."

Kelley kind of disagreed with that, those bruises seemed pretty damn important but she didn’t want Alex to start crying again so she nodded slowly before she lifted Alex’s arm up, slowly trailing kisses over the bruises while she whispered "You’re so damn beautiful." 

She felt Alex shiver under her touch and looked at her to make sure that everything was still alright.

"Do you really think that?" Alex asked looking at Kelley, blue eyes shimmering with tears as Kelley nodded. 

"Of course I do, I think you’re the most beautiful person on the planet, or the universe really." She smiled as she saw Alex blush at her statement.

"You look pretty alright yourself." Alex whispered and Kelley laughed.

"Oh thanks, I’m feeling really flattered right now." She replied as Alex smiled up at her sheepishly. 

"Want to take that shirt off?" She asked tugging at Kelley’s shirt a bit impatiently, Kelley smirking. 

"You’re seeming a bit eager to get me out off my clothes, Miss Morgan."

"Maybe I am." Alex replied biting her lip while she smiled up at Kelley who shook her head with a laugh before she slowly pulled her shirt up and over her head.

"I’m taking that whole pretty alright thing back, you’re looking fantastic." Alex’s hands traced over Kelley’s abs as the defender sat up.

"This is supposed to be about you though." Kelley said and Alex smiled at her. 

"So we can do whatever I want, right? If it’s supposed to be about me I should be calling the shots and maybe I want to appreciate you as well."

"Not what I was trying to say, but I think I could live with that." Kelley said playing with Alex’s hair that was softly falling over her bare shoulders.

She still wasn’t sure if they were doing the right thing, it felt right to be with Alex but Kelley knew that there would probably be some consequences to this and she wasn’t sure if she was ready to face them. 

"Take your pants off?" Alex requested tugging at the hem of Kelley’s jogging pants.

"Your wish is my command." Kelley pushed herself up so that it was easier to tug down her pants. Alex seemed really eager to get rid of her pants, reaching out to move things along faster, but Kelley gently swatted her hand away. 

"Not so fast we don’t have to rush this." Alex pouted a bit but ultimately nodded waiting for Kelley to undress. 

"Do you want me to take yours off as well?" Kelley asked leaning down to kiss Alex while her hands wandered over her abs, Alex humming in appreciation as Kelley’s hands slowly went lower until she reached the waistband of Alex’s sweatpants.

"If you want me to stop just say it." Kelley said before she slowly pulled down the pants.

"Are you crazy? Keep going." Alex said before she slung her arms around Kelley’s neck pulling her down for another kiss while Kelley pulled her pants further down her legs.

Kelley wanted to take her time and worship Alex properly but Alex seemed to be getting a bit impatient, trying to flip them over once again but Kelley won this time as well. 

"I told you I’m in charge here." She said lips ghosting over Alex’s lips who groaned slightly. 

"You’re being so slow." She whined and Kelley chuckled before replying.

"I’m just being appreciative of the masterpiece." 

"Dork." Alex said shaking her head with a laugh before she lightly shoved Kelley’s shoulder who threw her an offended look. 

"Keep acting like that and I’m going even slower." She said jokingly, Alex glaring at her.

"Didn’t think that that’s even possible." Alex said a pout crossing over her face and Kelley laughed.

Kelley leaned down but instead of kissing Alex again she went for her neck, gently biting down smirking as Alex moaned loudly before she heard a breathless "Kelley." 

"What, you wanted me to go faster, right?" Kelley asked kissing the spot that she had just bitten before she started to trace kisses down Alex’s neck and further down until she reached her bra looking up at Alex who had her eyes closed, mouth slightly opened. 

"Doing okay up there? Want me to remove that?" She asked playfully letting the strap of Alex’s bra snap against her shoulder, Alex nodding her head whispering "Yes, please." She sat up a little bit so that Kelley could open her bra before she slowly pulled the straps over Alex’s shoulders letting the bra fall to the floor carelessly. 

She stared at Alex for a few seconds unable to do anything and Alex opened her eyes looking at her with worry in her eyes.

"Is everything alright?" She asked and Kelley laughed nodding her head. 

"Yes more than alright, you’re just so, so beautiful." Alex blushed once again and Kelley couldn’t help but stare at her because she truly was the most captivating person she had encountered during her lifetime. 

"Can I...? Alex asked reaching around Kelley to unclasp her bra, Kelley nodding eagerly because how could she possibly say no to a request like that. 

"Like what you see?" Kelley asked playfully when Alex managed to take the bra off and stared at her cheeks turning red at Kelley‘s question. 

This time Kelley didn‘t see Alex‘s attempt of flipping them coming, she landed on her back hard and didn‘t manage to say anything before Alex‘s lips were on her own, while Alex‘s hands covered both of her breasts Kelley moaning into the kiss. 

Alex was clearly more impatient than Kelley which didn‘t seem to put a damper onto her efficiency though. 

She quickly moved on from kissing Kelley to trailing kisses down her body until she stopped just above the waistband of Kelley‘s underwear. 

"Can I?" Alex asked and it took every bit of self control that Kelley possessed to shake her head.   
Alex‘s smile faltered and Kelley quickly sat up, taking Alex‘s face into her hands to make the forward look at her. 

"I promised you that this is about you, maybe later okay? You‘re my priority right now." Alex sighed but slowly nodded her head, Kelley cupping her cheek with one hand while she used the thumb of her free hand to trace over Alex‘s lips, Alex leaning into her touch. 

"I need you to lie down." Kelley said and Alex complied, Kelley climbing on top of her once again so that she was straddling Alex‘s hips. 

"Please don‘t go too slow, I want this, I need you." Alex said and Kelley nodded, there had been enough teasing between them already, she would still make sure that Alex felt truly appreciated but she could adjust her tempo a bit for the sake of their sanity. 

Kelley started at Alex‘s chest, first she just kissed her, earning soft moans from Alex but that wasn‘t enough reaction for her anymore so she let her tongue flick over Alex’s nipples occasionally, getting moans that were significantly louder in return. 

At the same time her hand wandered lower, her fingertips lightly scratching over Alex‘s abs, making the forward inhale sharply at Kelley‘s touch a whimper escaping her lips that made Kelley smirk in satisfaction. 

Kelley slowly moved her body lower, peppering kisses all over Alex‘s stomach her hands still stroking over Alex‘s abs who was sighing contently. 

When she reached the waistband of Alex‘s panties Kelley hesitated and looked up at the forward whose blue eyes were staring right back at her like she was asking her what she was waiting for. 

Kelley bit her lip, because this was it, their last chance to put a stop to this, if she continued now there would be no going back and they both knew it. 

Alex gave her a slight nod, giving Kelley the confirmation that she needed. 

She slowly pulled Alex‘s underwear down before she moved in between her legs, starting to place kisses over Alex‘s thighs, slowly making her way up, Alex‘s left hand impatiently finding its way into Kelley‘s hair trying to guide her to where Alex wanted, or rather needed her. 

She didn’t mind the hair tugging, but Alex was a little bit too impatient for her liking so Kelley slowed down again, Alex groaning impatiently. 

"Kelley please…" She whined Kelley smirking a she gently bit down on Alex’s thigh hearing Alex curse silently.

"You really want this?" Kelley asked looking up at Alex who frantically nodded her head, gripping the bedsheet with her free hand when Kelley finally moved to where she wanted her to be. 

Kelley took her time figuring out what Alex liked even though she seemed pretty appreciative of everything that Kelley did at least judging by the moans that fell from her lips. Every time Alex got significantly louder Kelley slowed down and she knew that it was driving Alex crazy, the forward desperately tried to get some friction whenever Kelley pulled back before she slowly started at her original pace again before she sped up her pace. 

"Kel… More please…" Alex sounded out of breath, her voice raspier than Kelley had ever heard it, it sounded like she was barely holding on and Kelley decided in that moment that she was done teasing.  
When Kelley added her finger into the mix it only took a split second before Alex tumbled over the edge, tugging at Kelley’s hair roughly.

Kelley waited until Alex’s breaths got more even again before she moved up, gently kissing Alex before she wrapped her arms around her, snuggling against the forward who kissed her forehead.   
"Was that alright?" Kelley whispered and she felt Alex’s smile when she replied "More than alright. Do you want me to…?" She trailed off and Kelley smiled at her before she placed a kiss on Alex’s cheek shaking her head slowly.

"It’s okay, I think we both should get some sleep."

Alex looked almost disappointed but nodded, somehow managing to move even further into Kelley’s arms which was how they both drifted into sleep.


	27. sometimes when I look into your eyes I pretend your mine all the damn time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm super sorry for the long wait, had some troubles with my laptop but now I should be able to update more often again.

Kelley woke up the next morning, the sun was shining, the light hitting her face and tickling.   
She felt Alex’s arm wrapped around her and closed her eyes again for a few seconds, taking in the feeling because she knew that she would probably never get the chance to repeat this. 

She knew that it had been wrong, she should’ve stopped Alex after the kiss the last thing that they needed was for this to get complicated but it just had been too much for her and she had been tired of denying herself what she wanted most in the world.

It had felt nice to pretend that Alex was hers even if it was only for one night and she didn’t regret what had happened, she wasn’t so sure if Alex would feel the same though. 

Kelley stayed still for a couple more minutes, she didn’t want this to end if it were up to her she would’ve stayed in that bed forever but she knew that Alex would eventually wake up and that they would have to deal with the aftermath of the previous night.  
Alex stirred next to her and Kelley held her breath for a second or two, waiting for Alex to open her eyes. 

"Hey there." Alex’s voice was still laced with sleep, making it sound even raspier than it usually was, her eyes slowly opening the blue almost sparkling in the sunlight she smiled softly at Kelley whose heart skipped a few beats at the sight in front of her.

She wanted to say something but was rendered speechless, just staring back at Alex who looked back at her uncertainty written all over her face. 

"I’m not ready to think about what this means for us." Alex said still looking at Kelley searching for her hand under the covers before intertwining their fingers, Kelley closing her eyes at the touch before she tried to refocus.   
This was an important conversation and they needed to have it. 

"It’s alright I understand that, I didn’t expect it to be more than a one time thing." Kelley knew that it was coming, it wasn’t like she had expected to gain something from this it had all been an effort to make Alex feel better and so far it looked like it had worked so that was much more than she could ask for.   
It still stung to know that this was a one time thing and Kelley knew that she probably sounded disappointed, how couldn’t she be? 

"I don’t regret it, I just need you to know that." Alex said genuinely and Kelley nodded slowly that was at least something, it didn’t necessarily made her feel better but it was better than nothing.

"Neither do I." She said and it was the truth, she didn‘t regret it, it might‘ve made her heart ache that this was all that she would ever get, but she would never regret it. 

"I don’t want to forget that this happened, but I am not ready for this to be a thing, I think I need some time to figure out what I want. Believe me the last thing I want is to hurt you and it wouldn’t be the right time…" Alex started to say and Kelley interrupted her quickly. 

"Relax, I understand. Take all the time you need to decide what you want and what you need."  
Alex looked visibly relieved at her comment, nodding slowly like she was still overthinking her next words. 

"So can we just go back to being best friends?" She looked uncertain and was biting her lower lip, Kelley thought that she might’ve seen some tears in Alex’s eyes.

"Of course, I missed you so much during the last few weeks." Kelley said pushing some hair that had fallen into Alex‘s face behind her ear with a smile. 

"I’m sorry for avoiding you, I just got so overwhelmed with what you said and then I thought about the things you said about Dean and I realized that maybe you were right and I knew that I had to make a decision. It was just too much and I know that you didn’t deserve to be treated the way I treated you…" Alex was rambling and as adorable as it was, Kelley needed her to stop because otherwise she probably would‘ve kissed her. 

"Al it’s alright. Yes what you did hurt me but I know that you didn’t mean to. I just wish I could’ve been there for you during the whole Dean thing." Kelley looked down at their hands that were still intertwined. 

She hated that Alex had gone through all of this alone, she was her best friend and supposed to be there for her during decisions as hard as this one must’ve been and Kelley knew that it wasn’t her fault because Alex had been the one who avoided her, but she still felt like maybe she should’ve tried harder.

"It wouldn’t have changed things." Alex replied giving Kelley’s hand a gentle squeeze before she let go of her hand. 

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Kelley asked gently letting her finger glide over the bruises on Alex’s arm who tensed up a little bit but then started to relax, closing her eyes at Kelley’s touch.

"He got angry when I told him that I wanted a divorce. He thought I was cheating on him. I’ve never seen him like this before Kelley, he was furious." Alex was looking back at Kelley teary eyed and Kelley’s heart broke for her, because she knew how much Alex loved Dean and she couldn’t even begin to imagine how Alex was feeling right now, having been hurt by one of the most important people in her life.

"Are you going to file a police report?" Kelley asked softly, hoping that the question wouldn’t upset Alex.

"I… I don’t know. I mean I probably should but he is… he was my husband and I loved him. It’s not like he ever hit me or something, that was…“ Alex hesitated for a moment before she continued, "it was the first time something like this happened." Alex said silently, gaze fixated on Kelley’s fingers that were still resting on her arm, thoughtfully wandering over the bruises.

"That doesn’t make it okay though…" Kelley said gaze meeting Alex’s who nodded slowly.

"I know, but if I file a report this is going public, you know that that’s going to happen and I really don’t think that I want to imagine a scenario where that’s the case."   
Kelley didn’t like that Dean was likely going to get away with this, she hated the idea that he had hurt Alex and that there wouldn’t be any consequences for it, but she understood that Alex didn’t want to drag this into the public eye, she was already hurting enough and the spotlight on her would only make things worse. 

"Alright, you don’t have to do anything about it if you don’t want to. What about the divorce, do you want to keep that quiet as well?" As much as Kelley disliked the thought of having to leave her bed right now, she knew that eventually they had to get up, so she slightly pushed herself up, Alex throwing her a questioning glance before she replied. 

"At the moment, yes. Camp starts in a bit over a month and then we have the Olympics coming up and I’d rather just wait until this is officially over before making any sort of statement about it. Do you think it’s wrong to keep something this big secret?" Blue eyes looked back at Kelley who slowly shook her head.

"It’s not wrong, this is your life and your marriage we’re talking about here. It’s your private life, it has nothing to do with what you do professionally and it won’t influence how you play, so I don’t see how it would be anyone’s business."   
Kelley got out of the bed and walked over to her closet, pulling out two oversized t-shirts and threw one towards Alex, who caught it with a smile. 

"What, need me to get dressed? Am I distracting you?" There was a smirk on Alex’s face and Kelley rolled her eyes at the comment despite the fact that she might’ve been right about her reasoning. 

"I won’t confirm that, I just thought that it would be nice to have breakfast eventually. Do you want to walk around the kitchen naked from now on?" Kelley asked challengingly raising her eyebrow.

She didn’t expect Alex’s reaction though so when the forward replied with a dry "Actually, I think I might like that." Kelley thought that her face must’ve turned bright red.

Alex laughed before she put on the t-shirt and climbed out of Kelley’s bed walking over towards her. 

"I was just teasing, I don’t intend to run around naked anytime soon." She then said before she walked to the door, disappearing faster than Kelley thought was possible, leaving the defender alone in her room. 

She couldn’t help but think that things would be a lot more complicated from now on, she sure as hell wouldn’t be able to get the memories of their night out of her head anytime soon and Kelley knew that she had to try for both of them, or at least attempt to pretend like this was okay for her.

Not that Kelley wanted to forget about any of what had happened between them, the look on Alex’s face and the noises that she had made would forever be stuck in her mind, Kelley was pretty sure that she still felt her lips against her own and it sucked big time that it wouldn’t happen again, but she had to live with that. 

What was important right now was Alex, Kelley would provide her with any sort of stability and comfort that she needed.  
Her own feelings didn’t seem as important for the moment, at least not for Kelley, her only thought was that Alex needed her to be there for her so that was what she was going to do. 

Maybe now that Dean was seemingly out of the picture Kelley could act like there was a silver lining for them, that maybe someday Alex really would be by her side and that she could kiss her whenever she wanted to, not having to be afraid that it might be the last time. 

"Kel? I thought you wanted to have breakfast?" Alex called out from the hallway and Kelley quickly slipped her shirt over her head before she left her room.

"Coming." She shouted, not realizing that Alex was standing right in front of her, almost colliding with the forward who protectively wrapped her arms around Kelley. 

"Easy there. I wanted to ask if you maybe wanted to take a shower first?" Alex bit onto her lower lip while Kelley stared back at her, mouth wide open trying to process the question and wether Alex was suggesting what she thought she was suggesting or if she misread the situation. 

"Like… together?" Kelley asked still completely stunned, noticing that Alex still had her arms wrapped around her waist, slowly letting go of her when she realized that Kelley had noticed. 

"It’s a dumb idea, isn’t it?" Alex asked and Kelley quickly nodded her head because it definitely was a bad idea.

"It is, is that going to stop us though?" Alex’s gaze shot up and the intensity in her gaze made Kelley shiver slightly. 

"I really want to kiss you right now." Kelley whispered and Alex smiled. 

"Then do it." 

"We really shouldn’t be doing this." Kelley replied and Alex nodded her head before she closed the distance between them.  
Kelley quickly lifted Alex up during their kiss, Alex instinctively wrapping her legs around Kelley’s waist, moaning when Kelley bit down onto her lower lip teasingly. 

"We really shouldn’t…" Kelley said between two kisses staring into Alex’s eyes. 

"Just one more time?" Alex asked biting down onto her own lip and Kelley knew that she was incredibly fucked because how could she possibly say no to this? 

"One more time." Kelley replied staring into blue eyes, tightening her grip around Alex.

Kelley carried Alex towards their bathroom, almost dropping her when Alex started to kiss her neck.

"Slow down a bit, I have to focus on walking." Kelley said a bit breathless as Alex chuckled. 

"I thought you’re good with multitasking?" Alex asked and Kelley rolled her eyes before she kicked the bathroom door open with her foot.

"What can I say you’re proving to be quite distracting." Kelley mumbled before she gently set Alex down on the ground.

"What are you doing?" Alex asked, not liking the sudden loss of body contact. 

"Changing out of my clothes? I don’t necessarily want to shower with my clothes on." Kelley said wiggling her eyebrow suggestively, making Alex giggle. 

"This might be a controversial opinion but can I tell you a secret?" Kelley asked and Alex looked at her irritated but shrugged her shoulders.

"The faster you take off your clothes, the sooner you can join me in the shower." Kelley said with a smirk while Alex stared back at her before a smirk crossed over her face that could only mean trouble for Kelley. 

Two could play a game and Alex did always excel at playing games, this wasn’t going to be any different.   
Well, maybe a little bit different, Alex thought as she saw Kelley shedding her clothes. 

"You’re coming?" Kelley asked stepping towards the shower. 

"Actually I think I’m good with just watching." Alex said trying to sound as serious as possible in order not to give herself away too easily.   
It seemed to work, judging from the shocked look on Kelley’s face and her open mouth. 

"I uh…" Kelley said obviously struggling to find words while Alex challengingly raised her eyebrow. 

"What now you’re being shy? Seems a bit uncharacteristic for you." Alex saw the mischievous twinkle in Kelley’s eyes flare up and thought that maybe she had taken the teasing a little bit too far.

"Yeah I think you’re right, maybe you should just watch." Kelley said before she stepped into the shower, winking at Alex before she turned the water on.

"I think I changed my mind." Alex said quickly trying to take off her shirt but Kelley shook her head with a smirk. 

"Who said that you’re in a position where you get to decide?" Alex’s mouth went completely dry as she desperately tried to come up with a comeback in her mind. 

"Yeah that’s what I thought. Now be a good girl and hand me the shampoo, will you? Oh and you might want to take that shirt off, wouldn’t want it to get wet." Alex almost groaned in frustration, she probably shouldn’t have challenged Kelley like that. 

Teasing was all fun and games until she was on the receiving side and Kelley could see right through her, knowing that this little game was getting to her, not that Alex was able to hide it. 

"Kel, come on. I’m sorry for teasing just let me join you." Alex said pouting slightly while Kelley just chuckled. 

"Alright, I think you’ve suffered enough, get in here." Alex quickly took off her shirt, almost ripping it when she pulled it over her head.

"Someone’s looking a little eager." Kelley joked but was quickly interrupted by Alex’s lips against her own before she was gently pushed against the tile wall of the shower.

"Shut up." Alex whispered against her lips before she leaned in for another kiss, Kelley humming contently.


	28. I squeeze out the lime on the ice of my drink and the juice hits the cuts on my fingers (it still doesn‘t burn as much as the thought of you)

Kelley’s had enough of this. Things between her and Alex were good but at the same time they weren’t and she didn’t know how to handle it anymore. 

It was Saturday night and they were at a club with some of their teammates, Alex was on the dance floor dancing a little bit too closely with a visibly drunk Christen while Kelley downed her fourth bottle of beer, ignoring the concerned look on Becky’s face. 

"You know for someone who usually doesn’t get jealous…" Becky started to say but stopped when she saw the glare that Kelley was throwing her way. 

"Save it." She said knowing that none of this was Becky’s fault.  
Becky frowned at the sharp tone of her voice and then shook her head with a sigh. 

"It’s just Christen, they’re just having some fun as friends. Not that you have any right to be jealous because in case you forgot, she’s married to someone who isn’t you."   
There were so many little things that weren’t true in Becky’s statement, of course she didn’t know about that so Kelley couldn’t really say anything about it, but it still stung because the one thing that remained true was the part that Alex wasn’t hers and that she had no right to be jealous.

In theory she knew that Christen was happy with Tobin and that she would never risk that for Alex but there was still that little part of her that knew that they had history together.

"Kelley I seriously need you to stop with all the beer." Becky said before she grabbed the bottle from Kelley’s grasp.

"Give it back. I can handle it." Kelley said stubbornly and Becky shook her head slowly before she handed the bottle back with a sigh. 

"You’re going to regret this in the morning but you’re old enough to make your own decisions so I won’t stop you." Becky patted Kelley’s shoulder who suddenly felt like she was going to burst into tears.  
She had been trying to make everything seem alright to make things feel like they were less screwed up but at the end of the day she was still desperately in love with Alex.

Alex who wasn’t in love with her, Alex who still needed time to think about everything that had been happening.  
Kelley was gladly giving her the time but she was slowly getting tired of it, not because her feelings had changed it was more that she was losing hope.

She knew that she was crazy for actually thinking that there might’ve been a chance for them, that Alex would eventually come around and realize that she felt the same way. 

At the same time as much as Kelley tried to tell herself that nothing would ever happen between them again, she couldn’t help but hope that someday it would change.

"Anyone wanna do shots?" Someone shouted and Kelley was up on her feet before she could even think about it.   
Becky threw her a disapproving look but Kelley ignored it, instead looking towards the dance floor where Alex and Christen were still dancing together.

She knew that she was being unreasonable and that there was no way that anything would happen between them, Christen loved Tobin way too much for that to happen.

It didn’t stop Kelley from wanting to drown out the sight which was why she ended up doing a few more shots than she probably should’ve done. 

The combination of alcohol and lime burned but Kelley couldn’t care less about that because it was still no match to the burn that she felt in her heart whenever her gaze accidentally landed on Alex again.   
Alex who was apparently having the time of her life while Kelley was still aching for her touch and a possible repetition of their shared night.

Alex who apparently found everything Christen said especially funny that night.  
Alex who was dancing a bit too closely with Christen for Kelley’s liking.

"Let me take another one." Kelley said, words already a bit slurred, but she wasn’t drunk, at least that was what she told herself.

Becky was watching from a safe distance, shaking her head repeatedly at her friend.  
She was worried about Kelley, sure she could handle a lot of alcohol but paired with her obviously strained mood she feared that it would end badly.  
She also knew how damn stubborn Kelley was and that there was no way of talking her out of this.  
After Kelley had downed what appeared to be her fourth shot, Becky’s had enough, she had to do something about it.

She made her way onto the dance floor, searching for Alex because if anyone would be able to convince Kelley to stop for the night it was the forward.

She found Alex dancing with Christen, clearly a bit intoxicated but Becky hoped that she wasn’t as drunk as it appeared. 

"Alex, I think Kelley is getting a bit too drunk, you should take her home." Becky shouted over the loud music as soon as she had gained Alex’s attention. 

"Kelley is always getting a bit too drunk." Alex replied swaying slightly which resulted in Christen having to steady her. 

"She’s overdoing it, Alex." Becky said hoping that she would get through to Alex, immediately noticing how Alex’s gaze changed just the slightest bit.

"Guess the night is over for us then." She said prying Christen’s fingers from her hands who almost lost her footing. 

"I’ll make sure that Christen gets home safely, you call a cab for the two of you." Becky said and Alex nodded.

Becky thought that maybe she wasn’t as drunk as she had previously thought since she seemed pretty well put together in the moment. 

"Where is Kelley?" Alex asked as Becky motioned over to the bar where Kelley took yet another shot.   
"Can’t really miss her." Becky added with a slight eye roll.   
Truth was that she was worried about her friend, living with Alex was clearly getting to her and at times it felt like she was spiraling a bit and Becky could only hope that it would get better instead of worse for her. 

"Thanks for telling me." Alex said with a small smile and Becky nodded before she hugged Alex goodbye and then grabbed Christen’s wrist.

Alex made her way over the bar, silently sliding into the spot next to Kelley who didn’t even notice her at first.

"I think you’ve had enough for one night, Worms." Alex said patiently, gaining Kelley’s attention. 

"Says who?" Kelley shot back coldly, Alex flinching at the sound. 

"We should go home." She said while Kelley just shrugged her shoulders. 

"Why, you seemed to have fun over there." Alex might’ve been a bit drunk herself but she immediately understood what Kelley was referring to and sighed. 

"Come on Kel, that was nothing." She said softly while Kelley just scoffed. 

"Didn’t seem like nothing to me." Kelley reached for a bottle of beer but Alex was faster, snatching it away from her. 

"You’re coming home with me right now, wether you like it or not." She said firmly and Kelley rolled her eyes clearly annoyed. 

"Wouldn’t you rather go home with Christen?" She said raising her eyebrow. 

"I’m choosing to ignore that question until we’re at home." Alex replied before she gently tugged at Kelley’s wrist.

Kelley wasn’t really in a place where she was able to argue, so she followed after Alex who shoved quite a few people aside to get to the exit. 

The cold December air was hitting Kelley’s face as soon as they stepped outside and she shivered slightly, Alex immediately noticed and offered her coat but Kelley just shook her head, the last thing she needed right now was a coat that smelled like Alex.

The ride home to their place was awfully quiet even though their cab driver awkwardly attempted to have a conversation with them and Alex was glad when the cab finally stopped in front of their apartment.   
She paid and then dragged Kelley out of the cab and towards the apartment building. 

"Goodnight Kelley." Alex said as soon as the door of their apartment closed behind them, heading straight for her room. 

"Are you going to call Christen?" Kelley asked and Alex spun around, looking at Kelley in disbelief. 

"No, why would I?" She said calmly and Kelley rolled her eyes. 

"Don’t know, maybe cause you were all over her all night? You know for old times sake." The little part of Kelley that was slowly beginning to sober up again knew that she probably should’ve kept her mouth shut, however the drunk side of her thought otherwise.

"That’s not fair and you know it. Chris and I are friends and honestly, even if we weren’t it wouldn’t really be any of your business." Alex threw her a pointed look and Kelley tried to ignore the ache that she felt in her chest, because Alex was right she was in no place to judge any of it. 

Alex was single, even though no one except for her knew about that, she could do whatever she wanted to with whoever she wanted to do it and there was nothing that Kelley could do to stop her.   
She felt tears stinging in her eyes and sniffled, hearing a sigh from Alex. 

"Come on Kel, don’t start crying now." She said voice so soft and gentle that it only made things worse for Kelley and before she knew it she was sobbing.

She felt Alex wrapping her arms around her and at first Kelley wanted to push her away but she just couldn’t instead sinking into the embrace. 

"It’s okay…" Alex whispered as Kelley sobbed. 

"I hate how much this hurts." Kelley whispered between sobs and felt how Alex tensed up at her words.

"I promise that there’s nothing happening between Christen and I. She has Tobin and I’m not in a place where I’m ready for something new." Alex said after a few moments of silence while she combed through Kelley’s hair with her hand. 

"I know and I’m sorry for acting like this. I know that I have no right to be jealous." Kelley managed to say as she was slowly calming down.

"What happened to your hand?" Alex asked suddenly and Kelley looked down at her hand in confusion, only now realizing that it was bleeding.

"Uhhh don’t remember, I think I might’ve dropped one of the shot glasses and cut my hand?" Now that she noticed the blood she also felt the pain and she kind of wished that Alex hadn’t asked about it. 

"We have to clean that up, show me your hand." Alex said before she expectedly held up Kelley’s hand, looking at it in the dim light of their hallway. 

"It’s fine, I can totally do that on my own." Kelley said and Alex shook her head.

"You’re drunk. If you try to put a bandage around your hand you’re probably going to end up cutting off the blood circulation and we don’t want that to happen." Kelley pouted at the comment, she wasn’t that drunk or at least she didn’t feel like she was but she still let Alex guide her towards the bathroom.

"Sit." Alex said motioning towards the bathtub, Kelley sitting down on the edge of it while Alex searched for disinfection spray and a bandage. 

"I hate to see you hurting." Alex said after a few moments of silence passed between them, turning around to look at Kelley.

"Yeah well, there’s nothing you can do about that, is there?" Kelley replied silently not daring to look at Alex since she wasn’t sure what she would see in her gaze.

"Kel I’m s…" Alex started but Kelley quickly interrupted her.

"No, please don’t. Don’t say that you’re sorry, it’s alright you can’t change the way you feel and I can’t change the way I do. It really isn’t anyone’s fault." Kelley heard Alex sigh before she came over to her and kneeled down in front of Kelley taking her hand into her own. 

"This is going to sting a bit." She said blue eyes meeting hazel ones and Kelley bit down on her lip hard as the spray hit her skin. 

"It’s ok, the cut look pretty deep but I don’t think that you need stitches." Alex said while she cleaned the wound, careful not to put too much pressure onto it since she didn’t want it to hurt anymore than it already did, something that Kelley was really thankful for. 

When Alex had finally wrapped a bandage around her hand she looked up into Kelley’s eyes, clearly wanting to say something but Kelley could see the hesitation in her gaze. 

"What is it?" She asked, noticing how nervous Alex suddenly looked. 

"I uhm… kind of miss having our late night cuddling sessions…" Alex said voice going quieter and quieter towards the end of the sentence so that the last words were almost whispered. 

"Oh." Kelley said not sure what else to say.

"Just… forget about it, we probably should both just go to sleep." Alex said quickly turning away but Kelley quickly reached out for her with her still intact hand, wrapping her hand around Alex’s wrist gently tugging her back. 

"You know, we could always cuddle a bit on the couch?" Kelley knew that it was a stupid idea, but she could justify that with her still being in a drunken state and the small smile on Alex’s face made it worth it anyways. 

"If that’s alright with you." She said and Kelley slowly nodded her head.  
A part of her thought that she would regret it in the morning, but the thought of waking up with Alex in her arm kind of cancelled that out.


	29. a thousand miles away but you still got your hands on me

The weeks passed by and Kelley grew more and more frustrated with her situation.   
The night that they had spent on the couch was the beginning of a long series of other nights spend there, cuddled closely together and as much as she loved the feeling of Alex’s steady heartbeat against her chest when the forward fell asleep before Kelley did, it still reminded her of all the things that she was missing. 

It also brought back the memories of their night together and sometimes Kelley could’ve sworn that she still felt Alex’s hands on her bare skin, something that not even the coldest shower could fix. 

Alex on the other hand seemed completely fine and sometimes Kelley wondered if she had forgotten about her feelings, not that she really believed that but at times Alex was getting a bit too close for comfort during their cuddling sessions and Kelley sometimes struggled not to push her away in an attempt to gain some distance. 

Kelley wanted to move on desperately but she didn’t really know how, she couldn’t imagine a time where she wouldn’t be in love with Alex.

She also very vividly remembered the little piece of paper with a phone number on it that a woman that she met at a club a few weeks back had given her so in a moment of weakness she decided to schedule a date.

When the time finally came around and Kelley wanted to head out in the evening she of course had to bump into Alex who was conveniently walking into their apartment right when Kelley wanted to leave.

"Where are you going?" 

She asked quickly looking Kelley up and down, raising her eyebrow at the admittedly pretty short dress that Kelley was wearing. 

"I have a date. Don’t expect me to be back tonight." Kelley said with way more confidence than she thought was possible. 

The fact that Alex’s eyebrow shot up even more and the little frown on her face didn’t go unnoticed by Kelley, but she quickly pushed that thought into the back of her mind, she was already in a hurry and if she didn’t leave anytime soon, she would be late.

A part of her wanted to be late, wanted to screw this up before it even started because she knew that the chances of this going anywhere were pretty slim considering that she wasn’t really available, at least not emotionally. 

"What, what do you mean you have a date?" Alex asked sounding just the slightest bit pissed and now Kelley was the one who was frowning.

"I am going out with someone, you know a date…" She explained, not sure what exactly Alex’s problem was, who was staring back at her like her going on a date was the surprise of the century.

"But you said…" Alex started but then stopped mid sentence helplessly looking around the hallway, avoiding to meet Kelley’s gaze.

"I said what?" Kelley asked getting more and more confused by Alex’s behavior. She nervously glanced down onto her watch and realized that she was already late, what a great start for a date to which she wasn’t even looking forward to.

"You said you’re in love with me." Alex blurted out, finally looking at Kelley.

"That’s because I am." Kelley replied and bit down onto her lip, it wasn’t like Alex didn’t know but it still felt strange to say it out loud, especially when she knew that she wouldn’t hear the answer that she wished for.

"Then why are you going on a date?" Alex asked crossing her arms in front of her chest. 

Kelley didn’t like the tone of her voice, it sounded a bit accusing and honestly Alex didn’t have the right to decide when and where she went on a date. She had made her decision a few weeks ago and Kelley had accepted that, it was only fair that Alex accepted her trying to move on from her feelings.

"God Alex, believe it or not occasionally I do have some needs. So unless you want to do something about that would you please just let me leave?" Kelley immediately regretted the question when she saw something flare up in Alex’s eyes and when Alex stepped forward she took two steps back, her back bumping against the wall. 

"Al.. What are you doing?" Kelley asked when Alex didn’t stop coming closer. 

"What do you think I’m doing?" Alex asked voice calm and collected and a bit quieter than usual. Kelley felt a shiver running down her spine. 

"Uh… I should really go now." She quickly said, trying to sidestep but Alex’s hand on her shoulder stopped her. 

"You don’t have to leave." Kelley tried to ignore the weird feeling in her stomach and took a deep breath, before she tried to push past Alex once again, but the forward matched her movement like she had already been anticipating it.

"Alex, stop messing around. I really need to go now." Kelley said gritting her teeth, why was Alex making things this hard for her?

"Tell me that you’d rather have some random woman’s hands on your body than mine and I’ll let you go." Kelley stared back at Alex completely at a loss for words. 

"I…" Kelley started but stopped, not knowing how to reply to that without having to straight up lie. 

"You…?" Alex replied with a smirk and Kelley wasn’t sure wether she wanted to slap or kiss her in that moment. 

"God Alex, what do you want me to say? You know pretty damn well that I’d prefer you over anyone el…" Kelley never got to finish her sentence, Alex very efficiently shut her up by kissing her as she stepped even closer, their bodies were pressed together closely.

"Alex, what are you doing?" Kelley asked breathlessly when Alex pulled back from the kiss. 

"Making you stay. That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?" To be fair, it was exactly what Kelley had wanted, she just never expected that she would actually be put into a position where she would get it. 

"I’m going to take a shower now, wait for me in my room?" Alex asked while Kelley just nodded her head numbly, she still couldn’t believe that this was happening maybe she was in some weird kind of dream because this certainly couldn’t have been reality. 

"By the way you’re looking absolutely fantastic in that dress." Alex said smiling before she headed for the bathroom while Kelley was still leaning against the wall wondering how she got there. 

She still wasn’t entirely convinced that this wasn’t a dream, she sure as hell didn’t know what had gotten into Alex to suddenly act like that.   
Kelley surely wasn’t complaining but she was still feeling a bit skeptic about this, it didn’t feel like anything had changed when it came to Alex’s feelings or maybe she was just overthinking this.

She could hear the water from the shower running when she made her way over to Alex’s room.  
Once she was inside the room Kelley didn’t really know what to do next, Alex hadn’t really told her anything apart from the waiting in her room part.

Maybe Alex had just been teasing her, but then again kissing was where the teasing stopped and Alex had definitely kissed her. 

"Kel?" Kelley whirled around at the sudden sound of Alex’s voice, staring at the forward who was just wrapped into a towel smiling at her almost innocently.

"Are you okay?" Alex asked when Kelley didn’t manage to answer, too distracted by the sight in front of her and her racing thoughts. 

"Your hair… it’s uh dripping." Kelley said before she looked down to the floor hoping that it would somehow magically save her from the situation. 

"Would you please look at me?" Alex asked softly and Kelley didn’t have to look up to know that she was coming closer. 

"Look we don’t have to do anything if that’s not what you want. I just thought that…" Alex stopped mid sentence just when Kelley finally looked up meeting the forward’s gaze. 

Alex was chewing on her lower lip looking almost nervous which was strange considering how confident she had seemed ten minutes ago.

"You thought that I wouldn’t agree to do this." Kelley realized and Alex’s eyes widened a bit, telling Kelley that she was indeed right with her assumption. 

"You just didn’t want me to go on this date so you did the first thing that came to your mind without giving it a second thought, didn’t you?"   
Silence on Alex’s end, which meant that Kelley was probably right.

"Great." Kelley huffed, but really what did she expect? It clearly had been wishful thinking to believe that Alex might’ve changed her mind about them. 

Clearly her chances of still going to meet up with her date were ruined now as well, not only was she way too late she also didn’t want to go anymore. 

She probably wouldn’t be able to get Alex out of her mind anyways and if Kelley was being completely honest with herself she knew that it wouldn’t be fair to drag anyone else into this mess. 

"Well now that we’ve talked about this, excuse me. I’m gonna head to my room and watch tv with a huge bowl of nachos and nothing can stop me." Kelley said hoping that Alex would mistake her disappointment for anger.   
She left the room quickly before Alex could say anything else, trying not to slam the door behind her with too much force.

Kelley quickly went into the kitchen and searched for a bowl before she got a bag of Nachos from their kitchen cabinet. 

Realizing that she wouldn’t need them anymore, Kelley kicked off her high heels, carelessly leaving them in the kitchen as she made her way towards her room with the bowl of nachos. 

She knew that Alex would hate that she left her shoes in the kitchen, not that Kelley cared about what Alex would think, not when she had screwed up her whole evening. 

She could’ve had a fun night out, but of course she dropped it the second that she thought that there might be a slim chance that Alex had changed her mind and where had it gotten her? 

Alone in her bedroom with a new dress that she had bought specifically for the date, a bowl of nachos that she would definitely regret in the morning and a truly awful Netflix movie.

Kelley groaned in annoyance, turning the volume of the tv down a bit before she reached into the bowl again. 

Some time passed and Kelley was seriously contemplating just going to sleep when the door to her room was opened slowly. 

"You left your heels in the kitchen." Alex said silently stepping into the room, dropping Kelley’s heels onto the floor.

"I’m aware." Kelley replied turning over so that she could look at Alex who was now awkwardly standing in the middle of the room. 

"I… I made you something to eat for dinner since you missed out on your date." Alex said voice quiet and Kelley raised her eyebrow at the remark. 

"Alex you can’t cook." Kelley replied while Alex shrugged her shoulders. 

"I tried… I think the spaghetti did look kinda decent, so if you want to give it a try?" Alex threw her a look that was almost pleading and Kelley sighed, knowing that Alex was just trying to apologize for her behavior from earlier.

"Fine, but just because I’m hungry." Kelley mumbled before she pushed herself up, following after a smiling Alex. 

When she stepped into their living room Kelley completely froze before her gaze shot to her left side where Alex was standing.

"You don’t like it, do you?" Alex asked nervously while Kelley just stared at her.

"Are you kidding, that’s… you didn’t have to do this." Kelley said gesturing towards their living room table that was set up with two plates of Spaghetti, two wine glasses, flowers and candles, well LED candles, they had agreed that it would be better to have some of those over actual ones after Kelley had almost set their apartment on fire accidentally.

"I acted like an asshole earlier and I’m sorry for that. You do deserve to have your date." Alex said walking over towards the couch, Kelley following after her still a bit hesitant.

Alex looked at her expectingly, prompting Kelley to take a bite from the spaghetti before she looked at Alex surprised. 

"Those are actually good, maybe there’s some hope left for your cooking skills." Kelley mumbled right before Alex punched her shoulder lightly.

"Don’t be mean, I really tried." Alex said laughing and Kelley’s gaze softened a bit. 

"I wasn’t trying to be mean, I meant it. They really do taste good." Alex was smiling widely at that and Kelley felt her heart beating a bit faster than normal, quickly looking away from Alex and back to the plate in front of her. 

"Do you want to watch a movie?" Alex asked.

"As long as it isn’t the one I was watching before." Kelley replied while Alex chuckled. 

"Maybe you just thought it was bad because you weren’t paying attention to it." Kelley scoffed and contemplated throwing a pillow towards Alex.

"I stopped paying attention to it because it was horrible." She said and Alex raised her eyebrow.

"Then why didn’t you just turn the tv off?" 

"Because eating nachos in bed while looking fancy is way more dramatic when the tv is playing with a horrible movie on." She finally said and Alex laughed, earning a glare from Kelley. 

"You’re such a dork. Netflix, yes or no?" Alex asked waving the remote in front of Kelley’s face, who playfully swatted Alex’s hand away almost knocking the remote from her hands. 

"I guess that’s a no on Netflix then." Alex said shaking her head with a laugh while Kelley rolled her eyes, unable to hide her smile. 

They ate their spaghetti in silence both of them occasionally sneaking glances at each other but none of them actually bothered to start a conversation. 

"So did you have any plans for dessert?" Kelley asked once her plate was empty and looked at Alex who was blushing.

"I uhhh…" Alex mumbled looking away and then back at Kelley who stared back at Alex wide eyed.

"Oh god no, I didn‘t mean it like that. I meant actual dessert." She said quickly noticing that Alex was still looking at her which would’ve been alright but the look was the same that Alex had earlier in the hallway and that couldn’t have been a good thing. 

"Alex." Kelley said in a warning tone, Alex’s gaze shooting up from her legs to her face immediately and Kelley could clearly see that she was blushing. 

"Sorry, you just look really good in that dress." Alex said.

"Oh I know, I specifically bought it for that reason." She heard Alex breath hitch at the remark and could’ve sworn that Alex’s eyes darkened a bit.

The fact that Alex was moving closer didn’t go unnoticed and right before her hand landed on Kelley’s thigh, Kelley gently pushed her back, Alex looking at her a bit startled.

"Don’t start something that you can’t finish." Kelley said gently, silently praying that she seemed calmer than she actually was.

"What if I intend to finish?" Alex asked a determination in her gaze that made Kelley shiver. She had never been good when it came to resisting Alex and she was really testing her right now.

"Didn’t seem that way earlier." Kelley said quickly, hating how disappointed she probably sounded.

Alex bit her lip and Kelley silently cursed her for doing it when she was already on the verge of giving in.

"I had some doubts. Thought this might be a bad idea." Alex finally said before she rested her hand on Kelley’s knee.

Kelley looked down at Alex’s hand and then back up into her eyes before she quietly said  
"Probably because it is." 

"I know, but if you’re up to it… I’m in." Alex said holding Kelley’s gaze.

Kelley knew it was a bad idea and so did Alex, they had both established that they knew just how horrible the idea was, but of course that wasn’t stopping them.

Kelley was the first to make a step, just leaning the slightest bit forward and Alex quickly caught on to it, closing the rest of the space left between them.  
The kiss was surprisingly rough and Kelley had to hold back a moan when Alex gently bit down on her lower lip right before she pushed Kelley back onto her back. 

"Not on the couch." Kelley mumbled between two kisses, Alex immediately stopping and pushing herself off of the couch before she held her hand out for Kelley. 

"My room?" Alex asked and Kelley just nodded before she was dragged after Alex who seemed very determined to get to her room as quickly as possible.

It was in the early morning hours when they finally fell asleep, awakening around noon the next day which was a bit uncharacteristic for both of them but then again they usually went to bed earlier.

"That was incredible." Alex said a smile on her face while she was playing with Kelley’s hair.

Kelley thought that she was right, it had been incredible but she also knew that she had to say something because it surely couldn’t happen again.

"We really have to stop doing this. The second time was alright because we said it would be the last time but now this was number three and it’s starting to be a pattern and we should stop." Alex looked back at her for a very long time and Kelley almost gave up the hope that she would ever get an answer when Alex took a deep breath before she replied.

"What if I don’t want to stop?"

"What do you mean?" Kelley asked heart beating rapidly, Alex couldn’t possibly be suggesting what she was thinking right now, could she?

"I like the way you make me feel. I know that I said I wasn’t ready yet and that’s still true…but uhm…" Alex hesitated looking into Kelley’s eyes and Kelley immediately knew that she wasn’t going to like what she was about to say next.

"Maybe we could occasionally keep doing this?" Alex asked and Kelley could’ve sworn that she was blushing at the request.

Kelley felt the world spinning around her, she still wasn’t entirely convinced wether Alex meant what she had just said or not. 

"This is totally your decision, I know it’s a lot to ask and I don’t want to talk you into something you’re not comfortable with." Alex said chewing on her lip nervously. 

Kelley thought about her options, this was better than nothing but then again sleeping with Alex would probably screw her over completely at some point because Alex would eventually start going out again and then she would find someone else, start dating them and then Kelley would be left on her own, heartbroken all over again. 

"If you need some time to think about it I can leave." Alex said voice soft but Kelley quickly shook her head, reaching for Alex’s hand.

"Don’t go. I want this." 

"You do?" Alex asked looking completely taken by surprise, something Kelley couldn’t blame her for since she was quite surprised by her answer herself.   
She hadn’t meant to say yes, but it seemed like her heart had decided before her head could and now here they were.  
This couldn’t possibly end well, Kelley knew that but the smile on Alex’s face that made her heart flutter was worth it.


End file.
